Love and grief are two sides of the same coin

"You've been clean for three weeks. How do you feel?" Dr. Renata asked me as I sat on the couch across from hers. I shrugged at first. It was my usual go-to response to scary questions. It was followed by a whole minute of silence which I spent picking at the cuff of my bronze cardigan. "It's great and scary. Mostly scary," I voiced my fears. "What are you scared of?" She asked me even though she already knew the answer. 

 "Relapsing," I said. "Have you thought about using drugs recently? "She asked. "Not really," I said and it came out as a whisper, as if I didn't even believe what I was saying. "Hey, Eva. You are not alone. The fear of relapse is common among recovering addicts," she said it so subtly and I knew she meant no harm but that statement from a doctor I barely knew cut so deep. I'm talking clear unsounded sea-deep. That meant one I still hadn't come to terms with my addiction. I was still in denial. Silly me, I had thought that throwing around a few jokes about my drug problem in front of Xavi and Carlos was all it took but I was wrong. I was not okay with someone referring to me as an addict, even though it was exactly who I was. "It's okay, I get it." She said and stood to get a notepad from her desk. Urgh! That woman saw right through me! She scribbled something and handed it to me. It was an address. Uh oh! I knew where that conversation was headed and I didn't like it. 

"I chair A.A meetings every 8:00 pm on Thursdays and Fridays at the community center in Bosque de las Lomas. I think it would be great if you came. It will help you come to terms with your situation." She stated but I had already considered her offer before she finished talking and decided that I was not cut out for such group activities. "Alcoholics Anonymous? I'm not an alcoholic." I gave an excuse. I was more into the hard stuff. "Addiction is addiction, Eva," she said. "I don't think I want to sit in a group and listen to people's sob stories or let them listen to mine," I stood my ground but the truth was that I was embarrassed. My dad was Xavi Gonzalez, everyone knew who he was. Hell, he had just made billionaire. I wasn't going to those meetings for people to gawk at me and wonder why I was disappointing my father. I didn't want to be judged. But that's between you and me. Dr Renata didn't need to know that. "It's only Monday. Why don't you sleep on it and maybe I'll see you on Thursday," she said. Too much optimism for one person I'd say. "Well, don't keep your hopes up. I disappoint. A lot," I smiled at her. "I know, it's why you ended up here, right?" She teased and I jokingly frowned before bursting into laughter. I loved a lady with humor. "Too soon?" She asked as she joined me in laughter. "Yeah," I replied casually. "It gets better, I promise," she said her parting words and I wanted to believe her but it was hard. 

I left the therapy session and checked my phone just to find lots of missed calls from Xavi and Carlos. Really? They forgot I had therapy that morning? People forget so easily. I returned Xavi's and it turned out that he wanted me to accompany him for his routine check-up. As for Carlos, I was kind of avoiding him. "Bolivar, we are heading to the hospital," I said to my bodyguard cum driver who had been patiently waiting for me outside the doctor's office. See, the whole bodyguard thing was working out well for me. We pulled up at the private cancer hospital and Bolivar escorted me to Xavi's room. I found him lying on the bed ready for his phlebotomy. "Hey," I greeted him with less enthusiasm than usual. Weird because I was always so mad at him or too excited to see him. There was no in-between. That morning, I saw him lying on that hospital bed and it hit me. He had cancer, he was divorcing my mum, he was moving out and he was stepping down from the company to focus on his health. Also, he was the newest billionaire in town. In that instant, I pitied him. I was scared to lose him but then again the risk of love is loss and the price of loss is grief. Grief and love are two sides of the same coin. Bless Colin Parkes's little cotton socks! I planted a kiss on his forehead and sat on the chair next to his bed.                             "Don't do that," he said.                                                "Do what?" I asked.                                                   "Pity me. I'm not dying I promise," he joked and I joined him in laughter.           "I can't help it,' I said and the doctor proceeded to insert an I.V line for the phlebotomy.                                                        "The treatment is working, right doc?" He turned to the doctor for an urgently needed lifeline.                                                             "You have nothing to be afraid of Eva, your dad is doing alright," the doctor said to me.                                                              "Straight from the horse's mouth," Xavi turned to me and the doctor immediately left the room.                                                          "Okay, you win," I said. He had me convinced but I should've known. Does someone with a mild disease just give up his position in his own company so easily? More so, to focus on their health?                                                    "I have something to tell you," he said and I panicked. I was wishing it wasn't another family secret that he wanted to let out. I was sick of those.                  Another secret baby somewhere? No, thanks.                             Some hidden family heirloom or treasure? Yes, count me in!                  "Your biological father. I know his name," he said and it wasn't what I was expecting to hear.                                                               "Oh! Mum told you?" I was quite taken aback.                             "Yeah. She owed me at least that," he said and I couldn't agree more.           "Was it important to you that you knew?" I asked.                           "To some extent yes. I wanted to understand why she lied to me," he explained.    "Did you?" I probed further. That was nice, we were talking.                    "To be honest, no. Your mum is a hard nut to crack," he said. He was right.       "Did you ever love her?" I found myself asking. A part of me was hoping that he didn't resent my mother for lying to him, for tricking him into marrying her.              "I loved her, maybe not how she wanted or how she deserved, but yes, I once loved her. I tried to make it work but I failed," he explained.                        "We were good friends when we were younger. We fooled around sometimes. One day she comes to me and tells me she's pregnant. I married her, no questions asked. I trusted her," he went on to say and it just felt like he had never said that to anyone else.                                                                "I'm sorry," I whispered to him.                                         "Don't be. None of it was your fault," he said.                            "About my biological father, is he someone I know? Someone from the company, maybe?" I asked, disguising my fear as anxiety.                             "No," he replied and I sighed with relief.                                  "Okay, that's good," I chuckled nervously. My words seemed to surprise him.        "I don't want to know who he is. It doesn't matter. You are my father and I want to keep it that way for as long as I can," I said.                                 "Are you sure? He asked and I nodded.                               "Someday you'll want to know," he expressed his concern or rather, fear.      "Maybe, but I'm not interested in messing up my life any further, "I joked and he smiled.                                                           "Thank you," he said and held my hand in his, giving it a little squeeze.