Chapter:Stillness

"Being still does not mean don't

move. It means move in peace."

-----E'yen A. Gardner.

_________________

E.H.

Cowardice had clogged my thumping heart barbarously and hence I had thought of fleeing. I didn't want to bump into Blue ...that too with a discouraging look,a void of nothing but leftover shards of unsaid promises and happiness.If anything but atleast having each other's back was our silent pledge.It wasn't meant to happen like this,that is our fallout. Yet here were we,revolving separately so alone in two different axes.....unaware of the gaping hole where our emotions used to reside.

I wasn't sure whether I was competent enough to explain her of my inefficiencies.She might try to understand my situation but it would be mean asking a lot from her.She's still young nonetheless with a vast array of opportunities ahead of her.I won't let my execrable choices to hinder Blue's life anymore. She already had her plate full of troubles.....only if I wasn't so cloddish I might have lessened some.

Blue unknowingly dispensed me with a hope to live and be better.She taught me to care and now was I stuck with guilt searing me to the core.I couldn't vouch out of the marriage so easily.In a wicked way,I was au courant with the fact that this marriage would be the cause of my own insanity and eventually leading to my demise.I have the kids to look out for and moreover the kids clung to me like I was their damn savior.Gosh.

To add in Elena was way too unstable and I feared that in the end the kids would end up in a vile slum akin to me.And then again comes the barreling thoughts of my future baby ...my own creation.How was I to abandon a helpless kid.I didn''t want to be the splitting images of my horrible parents. I couldn't and I won't. Only if Blue knew,she would reciprocate my concern in a similar way even without me muttering a syllable.Nonetheless I would have been blessed if she now stood by me and held my arm,calming my nerves.

Earnestly I yearned for Blue like a blind man thirsting to watch the vibrant colors of the skies at sunrises and sunsets but at the same time I knew I would be able to survive without her because she stays in my memories...her laughter,her voice. Its enough...way more than I deserve.She was my plethora of stars that guided me home,to her...my bliss.

Hence chugging down all longing further in me,I strode out of my cabin to my private elevator.

After my amnesic phase I had hired spies to lookout for Blue just in case and therefore from their reports I had learnt quite a lot that I had missed out earlier. Like the fact that Blue had made an amity with a handsome boy,probably they were dating....again them renting an apartment together for the summer....them spending every imaginable moment together....laughing...hugging.... Honestly, I was envious then.

"Lord,I am gonna go batshitt crazy like this",I said as tugged my hair painfully. Trying to gulp down some more air into my lungs,I stepped out of my elevator in haste on the finance floor, when someone crashed on me.Probably a girl I inferred,on a quick appraisal.I stilled for a moment as a certain deja vu set in.Confused and flustered as in who would dare to dart into me,I clutched the arm of the woman and kinda threw her offside despite my betraying feelings.

"Those blood sucking women,"I muttered as I started strolling towards the vast expanse of floor with grids and cubicles on one side,the lounge and activity area spread out on the other half.Frankly I always liked this concept of work plus leisure.Welcoming and refreshing.Here each week the employees would host different competitions and debates regarding better productivity and employee relation.What an evolving world is it.....

If you enquired me earlier,whether I wanted Blue to join my company....I would have said a definite yes.Yet right at that moment everything was different.Still gazing out over the vast expanse of glistening marble floor and abstractly painted walls,an air of pride and honour filled in my lungs. This is what I created and that which I had once desired to share with Blue.

Just then a very dear snicker sounded somewhere close.

Hell....a cold sweat broke out.The sense of deja vu,the familiarity and homeliness that I felt when I grabbed the woman now prodded my mind with a name.I froze and chided myself, "Did I then threw Blue off me?"

"Holy shit",I swore as I contemplated on turning back.I had wanted to avoid her but why was she in this floor when the orientation was five floors down or was I in the orientation hall by mistake. Gosh.

"Ahhh.....Hell",groaning I spun around. And there stood Blue, by then composed enough after the little incident and as deserved,she was glaring daggers at my back.Yet at this moment facing me full-on,she faltered a bit with both our breaths caught in between.We both took each other in hungrily.I breathed in her with a sigh of longing.She was simply breathtaking and I don't know....somehow she seemed more mature and a grown woman.She wore off-white parallel wide pants and sapphire blue high collar halter top paired with a pair black pumps.Pure damnation for any man with healthy eyes.And Lord,her eyes seemed more steely and sharp than usual.Ruffled by her presence,I tried to clear my throat forcibly and started to croak when,Blue smiled warmly.

She came forward, waving her arm in her wonted greeting and said,"Hi Ed....I mean Mr.Hart .Congratulations on your wedding....and I am extremely sorry about throwing myself on you,which I didn't meant to but it was an accident caused by my shoes..."

Blue continued to prattle on like sloppy blabbermouth,which in itself was a screaming declaration of her being lost and nervous but my mind was far away, lost in the relevation.She knew about my marriage...

I was bewildered beyond my wits to see how casually Blue managed and approached the situation. Wasn't she least bothered that I married someone else?Did I ever mattered to her?Or had her feelings for me changed while I was amnesic?

Shit,for sure these doubts would be the nadir of my life.How could I question Blue loyalty when I failed to vow myself to her.

Disheartened over my own thoughts,I simply gawked at her,trying to discern her riddled self while a lethal pain clasped my measly heart.I lost her forever.