Disappear

I want to disappear. I don't think I want to die as such, I just don't want to exist, either.

That's it really, I just don't want to exist anymore. If I could disappear just by closing my eyes, I would. I would do it straight away, no questions asked.

That's the thing though, I'm unsure whether it's suicide I want. I don't want to be here but I don't want to be dead.

So am I suicidal? Is it suicidal to just want to disappear?

Suicide. People makes it sound bad. They make it sound evil, like it's a sin. I don't think wanting to die is a sin. People commit crimes and sins. To me, death isn't a sin or a crime, it's a release and nothing else.

Maybe what I really want is a release. A release from my life as it is right now.

Compared to so many people, I do have it all. But at the same time, I have nothing. I might have friends, I tried to open up once but no one understands me. Then again no one really understands how fucked up you really are.

Ever since then. I push people away. Not on purpose, but that must be the reason I have yet to trust anyone in my life enough to know who and how I really am at times. I subconsciously ruin things for myself, and I don't know why. The moment things start to go right, I do something and everything seems to fall apart again.

And my friends? Yeah, there are loads. But none of them know me, because I can't bring myself to tell them again. I don't want to tell them how screwed up I am, and just be brushed off just because they don't understand me, probably never will.

I don't want help. Really. That's another strange thing. I really, really don't want help. I don't even know why. Perhaps it's because I'm incredibly stubborn, I have trouble letting anybody help me do things. So anyway, I don't like help. If I want to change, it's going to be on my terms. If I want to die, it will be on my terms. But like I said, I'm not sure now if it's death I want, because all I really want is to disappear.

At the moment, it's like I'm trapped inside myself with lots of contradictions. I'm Happy yet sad at the same time. I love everything life has but at the same time don't.

I want to disappear. It's not a case of wanting to die. It's not that I wish I'd never been born. I literally just want to fade away and disappear. I can't even explain it properly. No matter how I say it, it just sounds suicidal. And I don't think I want to die, and like I said, I want to cease existing. I don't really believe in a God, in a Heaven, but I do feel there's an afterlife of some kind. I don't want my life anymore. Are these the thoughts of someone who actually does want to die? I don't know and Ibdon't want to know. That's what scares me, really.

It's not even like I feel this way all the time. I mean it's always there, in the back of my mind, but I also have moments of true happiness. I do laugh at times, I do feel part of things a lot of the time. It's just that more often than not I don't even feel like I'm there at all. I feel distant and alone a lot of the time. I feel disconnected.

Am I depressed? Should I do more? What's the point?

I hate asking myself that, because in truth, there really is no point at all. We're all going to die anyway, so who cares right? I know that there are a lot of things in life that matter.

I'm kind of useless. I don't really do anything. I lie in bed at 2 AM and feel so alone, then I come up with all these big plans to help people, to be a better person. But truly, that changes nothing in the end. Because I wake up exhausted, struggle to get up, then off to another day of mess, confusion and never moving forward or putting any of my plans in action.

Basically, I'm screwed up and alone. I feel hopeless a lot of the time. Sometimes I tell myself that it will all be okay someday, and a lot of me is sure that it will be, even now as I type this. But another part of me tells me that unless I can somehow change, and stop being sad, things will work. And I really do try.

I don't even hurt myself anymore. It didn't work. It didn't make me feel better. I didn't feel the sense of relief or calmness that other self harmers get. Does that make me fake? Another example of how fucked up I can be, I suppose.

So yeah, I tell myself things will work out in the end, that I won't be sad forever. And yeah, I do believe it sometimes. But there are also times when I feel so hopeless. Because the only way I can sort myself out is by beating this sadness. And I guess a small part of me clings to my sadness. Because in a way, the sadness is keeping me safe.

By feeling miserable and alone on a near constant basis, it makes it easier for me to deal with people. I'm almost untouchable to anything people say to me or behind my back, as I simply don't care. Because no amount of dislike from others can be equal to my dislike for myself. In that way, my sadness keeps me safe.

If I let myself truly care about things, I'm likely to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want my heart broken. I'm scared and I want to protect myself. But why?

Why am I so scared? What am I so afraid of? No one's really hurt me properly in the past, so it's not like I'm scarred by memories or anything. Why do I feel this way? None of it even makes sense.

Like I've said many times already, I don't want to kill myself, as such. I don't want anyone to have to find me dead. I don't want to be remembered as the one who let no one in, then ruined the life of his family by killing himself. I don't want to die at all really. What I want is for everything to end. There's a difference. I want things to be over, I don't want to be dead.

It's just that if I suddenly got it by a car and lost my life, I wouldn't be too upset. Maybe I do actually want to die, I just don't want to be the one to do it. I can't be the one to do it. I don't want to screw things up for my family or anyone else. Because if I killed myself, they'd blame themselves. And I don't want them to.

All I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to dream. I want to close my eyes at night for good, and for them to stay shut. I don't want to go to a heaven or any kind of afterlife. I want to be deeply asleep for all eternity, and I don't want to put myself to sleep, because that would destroy things entirely.