Chapter 13: Thank you for loving me

Song recommendation: "You will always be no angel to me" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FzbYVSOsY8&list=PLcHRQsBCTIkc58QSni0_BTOMUaRfZs-az&index=13

Ace pushed back furiously and broke from Clover's grip. He heard a thump but didn't look back, it wasn't enough to hurt them. However, as he tried to walk about he still felt something tugging at the end of his shirt. He pivoted back and stared down bemused.

Clover was on their knees, their hair over their eyes and their face downcast. Their hand was still holding the edge of Ace's shirt. Clover was painfully quiet until their eyes came up to meet Ace. Their rose coloured eyes were filled with tears.

Ace's brow furrowed as he continued to look down bewildered. He was frozen in place. He had no words. As tears ran down Clover's face, they breathed in sharply. Their hand dropped.

"I don't want you to die," they said faintly. "That's the truth,"

"You're too unfair, Clover," Ace exhaled uneasily, "Why are you doing this to me? Is this another game?"

"No," Clover's jaw clenched.

"Then why are you crying?!" Ace exclaimed. "I'm trying to understand you, but you won't even give me this much?"

"Can't we go back?" Clover pleaded. "I told you the reason,"

"I'm sorry but that's not enough,"

Clover fidgeted for a moment. They quickly dashed the tears from their eyes. A strained expression came over their face but they managed to speak, their voice barely above a whisper.

"What do you want to know?"

Ace exhaled "Why are you really here? Is it because of the Empress?"

"Why are you bringing that up again?"Clover's eyes twitched, "It's not because of her! I told you already. I'm just... tired,"

"Tired of what?"

"Of this!" Clover gestured emphatically. "I'm tired of this world. I'm tired of waiting here when I don't even know what for! I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of smiling when I don't mean it. I'm tired of being used and always being the bad guy. I'm tired of everything!"

They inhaled sharply and turned abruptly. Clover crossed their hands across their chest as if to regain some composure before continuing, but their voice was subdued.

"I've had enough of it all. That's it," Clover shrugged listlessly.

"Are you saying you came here knowing that you would die?"

"The longer you live, the more you realise that there are things much worse than death," Clover glanced up then quickly back to the ground.

"Like what, Clover?" Ace interrogated. "Does it have to do with what happened when I arrived?"

"You just caught me off guard," Clover answered flatly.

"You practically choked me. I've never seen you like that," Ace frowned.

"That was an accident," Clover replied more timidly.

"Did you really kidnap the Empress or was that an accident too?" Ace retorted.

"Mmm," Clover sniffed, "That was a mistake, not an accident. It only made her hate me more. I thought once she had rejected me it would be over. It usually is, but for some reason, I couldn't let it go. There were so many things I wanted to say...I...I was angry but I wasn't ready for her to disappear. That doesn't mean that I'm still in love with her now,"

"Then why did you make the paintings?" Ace said slowly.

Clover fidgeted angrily, "What does that have to do with this?"

"You kept them because you love her," Ace countered. "And that's why you're here, isn't it?! I just don't understand why you told me you wanted me in the first place,"

"You're misunderstanding something. I said I wanted you because I wanted you! I'm not denying that I care about you," Clover tapped their foot restlessly, "I think that's obvious, but that doesn't mean we should be together,"

"Why not? "Ace shook his head in confusion.

"You know my father was a demon, don't you?"

"The last lord of the west?" Ace replied confused.

"Right," Clover said coldly. It was as if the mention of the name was enough to evoke some emotion.

"He took me from my mother and brought me to the demon world when I was younger than you."

Ace's watched Clover soberly as he continued to listen. Their expression was particularly tense. He knew something of the sort must have occurred. The last lord of the west was notoriously savage.

"All I wanted was to return to my mother. I just...I got it into my head that if we could just be reunited everything could be like before.

That's why I learned magic. I begged the lord of the north to teach me. All I could think about was seeing my mother again, how we would be a family again. I wondered if she would recognise me."

"Did you find her again?" Ace asked.

"Yes," Clover's eyes narrowed, "the moment she laid eyes on me, this look...this look of terror or disgust, I don't know, it came on her face. She started screaming. I tried to explain who I was but all she could see was the demon I had become. She took a knife and...

I don't know when it happened. I just closed my eyes for a minute and...when I opened them, my mother was dead..."

"I'm sorry..." Ace started.

"You're sorry?" Clover's eyebrow raised, "haven't you been listening?"

"What do you..."

"I'm telling you I killed her," Clover said sharply, "I'm telling you I killed my own mother."

"But it sounds like you didn't mean to do it?" Ace questioned.

Clover let out an audible groan, "That doesn't matter! I did do it! If I say it was an accident will that bring her back? She's not even the only one. My master. My friends...Lu," Clover stopped abruptly than corrected themself, "Everyone I ever loved died because of me. What they told you about me was all true and you stubbornly won't believe it!"

"I'm not under any illusions about who you are!" Ace countered, " If you're saying these things to scare me away ..."

"You should be scared. I don't know whether I'm in control or the power is but I know one thing for sure...terrible things happen around me. It's only gotten worse with time. You might think that I don't feel the things you do. You're wrong. I feel it more intensely than humans, but when I do, it always ends badly for everyone involved,"

"When we were in the tower things were good, weren't they?"Ace's voice faltered.

Clover blinked monetarily derailed. "That was only because of the necklace,"

"What do you mean?" Ace interrogated. "I thought you hated it?"

"I did, but I realised something. Without my powers, I could pretend to be normal. Even if it was only temporary,"

"It didn't have to be temporary. Why did you leave? " Ace persisted, "Couldn't we have worked it out? Anything but this?"

"The ring was already weakening," Clover said quietly, "I could feel it. I thought I would have more time, but...it doesn't matter."

"It matters to me," Ace said earnestly, "How can you say it doesn't matter?!"

"Why don't you get it?! I deserve to be here! Accidents or not, I am not the light that you think I am. That's what I've been trying to tell you all along. You don't need me. You can have a real-life without me.. Do you understand, Ace?"

"I don't..." Ace began reluctantly.

"I know that you think you think what happened to you before has made you a bad person, but that's not true. You call me your light because you think you are dark. You're wrong. You're the purest thing here. If someone can go through what you went through and come out of all that still able to love, that's something incredible. I should have told you that from the beginning. If you could just let go of your shame and guilt, you would see that you can do better than me. You will find love again,"

"I don't want to find love again! I'm in love with you. Right here, right now! And if you were honest, you would say that you love me,"

"How can I say that to you?" Clover expelled the words frantically. "If you were anyone else I would say what you wanted to hear and send you away without remorse, but now if I say those words I will have ruined your life for good,"

"Don't you think I have any control over my own life?" Ace shoved Clover back angrily.

"If that were true, you wouldn't be here," Clover grabbed him tightly by the waist. They buried their face in his chest and continued clutching him even more fervently.

"I was short-sighted. I thought this would pass with time. I'm sorry that I was weak. I never should have kissed you. I never should have said I wanted you. I never should've even looked at you! If only you knew the darkness of my life, you might forgive me for wanting you so badly. I know I made a mistake and I wish you would just hate me. That would be easier!" Clover's voice trembled.

"Clover..." Ace stammered.

He was taken aback by their fragility. He would have reached down to comfort them but they pulled back suddenly. It was as if an internal war had been fought and lost because any hint of softness quickly left Clover's demeanour.

"There. I said it." Clover's expression became cold, "I can't offer you anything. I never could, but I'm not as strong as you think I am. Right now, I barely have the strength to control myself and push you away like I should. So please, be a friend to me one last time. Let me take you somewhere safe,"

"You're telling me to leave you to die?" Ace shook his head in disbelief.

"No, I'm telling you to live. Run as far away from me as you can. I know you act as if the death and savagery of this world doesn't bother you but I know it does and I hope it stays that way," Clover breathed uneasily. "I don't want you to become like me,"

"Listen!" Ace grabbed them by their shoulders hopelessly, "Just come back with me. Help us take back the necklace. We can make this work!"

Clover's jaw clenched, "the deal was you go free and I...I don't come back. It's better this way,"

"Why would you make that deal?!" Ace's eyes widened," No Clover! No! Then we'll go somewhere far away! If we let them destroy the demon world, we can go somewhere where they can never find us. We can start again! "

"You don't mean that Ace," Clover exhaled.

Ace choked back a sob."Then something else..."He shook his head overcome by emotion.

"Ace, the things I've done can't be erased. I need you to understand me this time. I don't want a way out. Don't risk your life anymore, " Clover said seriously. "All I want is some peace. I'm not afraid of death."

He pulled Clover into a heartfelt embrace and closed his eyes tightly to hold back the tears. It couldn't end this way. Why couldn't he think of a solution? Clover's hand came up cautiously and patted him on the back.

"Thank you for loving me. Goodbye."