Mad Little Slice of Heaven

1: Three Wizards and A Cat

It was very bright and very loud. Much brighter and louder than I would've expected my room to be. Urgh…did I fall asleep with the lights and TV on?

Then I sat bolt upright, I don't have a TV! Where the hell am I?! I looked around frantically, taking in the water, the cobblestones, the people and bright sunlight. I blinked, looked around some more, tried to analyze the situation and decided that somehow I had been dragged into an alternate world where shenanigans were bound to ensue. I wasn't a heavy enough sleeper for someone to move me without me waking up barring the use of knockout gas, and there was no reason for anyone in the world to go to that much trouble for little old me. Besides, if they had, then I'd probably be waking up in a small dark room, not a sunny street side in a port town.

I immediately started rummaging in my pockets, Am I prepared? Did anything come with me? Let's see, deck of cards, ooh, knife. Hope I don't need that… I tucked the black switchblade back into my jacket pocket. How my favorite tan sport jacket and fedora had followed me along with my comfiest clothes I did not know, but I also really didn't care either as I started patting around for my wallet. Thankfully it was there.

I pulled it out, unzipped it and frowned, Well that looks different… I pulled out the little card that was where my drivers license had been and frowned as I studied the itsy bitsy print on it.

Congratulations, you've been pulled into the world of Fairy Tail. Yes that show you started watching last night. Hope you remember the first episode pretty well, because now you're stuck in it! The cards in that little deck in your pocket will respond to your wishes. You have an inherent caster magic that's different from that, but you'll need to learn how to use it. For now, good luck with the cards! (see the other side for tips) (aren't I helpful?)

I frowned and flipped it over.

= The cards can grow or shrink and become as hard as steel. They will also float and move around at your command.

= That smokin' hot blonde over there is Lucy, you should go say hi.

= Find Natsu and Happy.

= Whatever you do, don't piss off Erza.

= Go join Fairy Tail.

= Remember, it's never too late to forgive someone and make a friend.

I blinked as I read the last tip and then my head snapped up and I started looking for a "smokin' hot blonde" named Lucy. It took me about thirty seconds to spot the extremely curvy blonde in the white top and blue skirt storming along in a huff. I immediately stuffed my wallet in my pocket, "HEY LUCY! WAIT UP!"

Lucy, for of course it was her (only smokin' hot blonde on the street), stopped in surprise and turned to look at me as I ran up to her. I caught up to her a moment later and smiled my friendliest smile as she looked at me with puzzled chocolatey brown eyes, "Hi! Sorry, I have no idea who you are, I just know I'm supposed to come over and say hello to Lucy."

Lucy looked at me like I was out of my mind and I gave her a flat look, "Magic. Do ya really want to know?" Lucy nodded, "Ah. Okay, sooo why were you supposed to come say hi to me?"

I shrugged, "Dunno, apparently you're important to say hi to. I was gonna ask where we are."

Lucy frowned at me, "You…don't know where we are?"

I blinked at her flatly, hell with elaborate lies, "I just got yanked here from an entirely different dimension in my sleep. I now have the clothes on my back, the stuff in my pockets and a little card telling me to say hi to you, find someone named Natsu and his friend Happy, and go join Fairy Tail. That is the very fullest extent of what I have to go on right now." I thought back to the episode of Fairy Tail I had watched the previous night right before I went to sleep, "And a fuzzy idea of what all that means."

Then a pair of girls ran past us shrieking about a salamander. I pointed after them as details started to come back to me, "And my fuzzy idea says follow those two to Natsu. Let's go!"

Lucy caught my shoulder as I turned to follow the two girls to the "salamander". I paused and looked at her. "Level with me," Lucy said firmly, "Are you serious?"

I took out my wallet and showed her the card, "I'm good. I ain't that good." Lucy quickly started reading and blushed as she got to the tip that referred to her as "that smokin' hot blonde". Lucy looked up at me and gave me the most fearsomely searching gaze she could muster. Then she sighed, "Say I believe you. What do you want from me?"

I blanked. I really did. I tilted my head to the side and then, "Well…if we wind up being friends a date might not be out of line, because I have to agree with the card, you are beautiful." Lucy blushed and I continued, "For now though, I think I'd better do what the card says and go find Natsu. You read the card, so you know now what I mean by a fuzzy idea." I paused and then a small sly smile slid across my face, "Would it help if I told ya Natsu's a Fairy Tail wizard?"

Lucy's heart visibly skipped a beat, "how did you…" Then she looked at the card in her hand again and her eyes went very wide, "HOLY…YOU'RE ACTUALLY FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION?"

I nodded and did away with the pretense of being totally clueless, "Yes, and if I remember correctly then that Salamander those two are running to see is actually a kidnapping slave trader who plans to kidnap a whole boat load of girls tonight using illegal charm magic. Even if we don't find Natsu, I'm not letting him get away with that. I don't know if I can beat him, but I know Natsu can." I extended a hand with a grin, "You in?"

Lucy looked at me in shock and then accepted the hand before giving me a very stern look, "If you're lying to me, you'll wish we had never met."

I grinned, "Oh I think you and me are gonna get along just fine."

…

==…~…==

…

Half an hour and a horde of angry bewitched fangirls later, I sat in a restaurant with Lucy in the booth next to me, and a pink haired fire wizard named Natsu with his talking blue cat named Happy across the table. "Thanks for buyin' us lunch!" Natsu said as he dug in with the gusto and manners of a starved animal.

Lucy looked at me skeptically and I sighed, "So Natsu, you're a Fairy Tail wizard right?"

Natsu looked up and said around a mouthful of noodles, "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"You're kinda famous Mr. Salamander," I replied cheerfully and pretending not to notice how Lucy froze next to me, "So anyway, here's the deal. That guy back there claiming to be a Salamander?"

Natsu nodded, "Uh-huh, what about him?"

"He was impersonating you," I said bluntly. Natsu froze and then, "WHAT?! BUT HE LOOKED NOTHING LIKE ME!"

I nodded, "Yeah, but a lot of people don't know what you look like. He's using your reputation to draw people in and then he's sucker punching the girls with charm magic to make them act all crazy over him."

Natsu's expression was suddenly a very ugly thing indeed as he growled, "Really?"

I nodded as I cheerfully set fire to the fuse leading to the powder keg labeled Natsu, "Yep, and he's planning to kidnap them all this evening at the party he's throwing on his yacht. He can't do that if his yacht were to say 'mysteriously catch fire and sink' now can he?"

Natsu stood up immediately with a grin on his face, "I like the way you think buddy! Then when he comes to put it out we can beat him up!"

I grinned, "Exactly. If you'll handle him since he's the only wizard in their group, I think me and Lucy can handle his gang. Two wizards vs a couple of thugs sounds pretty skewed in our favor to me."

Natsu's grin widened, "You're wizards too? What do you do?"

Lucy held up a ring of keys proudly, "I'm a Celestial Spirit wizard, I summon Celestial Spirits with these keys."

I pulled my deck of cards from my pocket and willed the top five to float in a star formation and then spin like a skill saw blade, "I've got magic cards that I can use as weapons."

Natsu grinned, "That's awesome! You're just like Cana!"

I smiled thinly, "Probably not as experienced, but sure, why not. Wanna go sink a slimy bastard's ship?"

"Hell yeah!" "AYE SIR!"

…

==Twenty Minutes Later==

…

It wasn't hard to find the phony Salamander's ship, it was easily the biggest one there. All I had to do was point it out and Natsu unleashed a massive fire attack with a howl that lit the ship ablaze in an instant. I lowered my finger and stared at the massive conflagration, "Holy shit dude…"

Natsu grinned and roared, "HEY PHONY SALAMANDER! COME OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME!"

An immense fireball suddenly rocketed down from above the burning ship. Lucy and I dove aside. Natsu caught the blazing thing in one hand and ate it like an apple. As he munched, he was eyeballing the phony Salamander who had taken to the air on a twisting tower of flames. As soon as he finished, "Let's get him Happy!"

"AYE SIR!" Happy the cat cheered as he leapt to Natsu's back, sprouted big white feathery wings and flew up into the air, taking Natsu with him for what I'm sure was one hell of an aerial battle. At the time though, I had bigger problems as Lucy warned me, "Heads up, looks like Natsu missed a few."

I snapped my gaze to the burning ship and saw about a dozen burly sailors eyeballing us angrily and reaching for whatever makeshift weapons they could lay hands on. I allowed a card to slip from my sleeve and then I threw it, "GROW!" The card suddenly grew to the size of a serving tray mid flight and slammed into one of the sailors before plowing him right back into the burning ship.

Then I extended my hand and it flew back to me and shrank back to its regular size as I caught it with a grin, "A word of advice gentlemen? Surrender and retreat. Your buddy with the fire magic's out of his league and you won't beat two wizards without his help! You should grab one of the life boats and make a run for it before the army shows up to settle down that howlin' flamin' brawl up there."

I flicked a fan of cards into my hand and spread them, "I've got a sleeve full of aces, and you don't even want to know what my friend here can do."

They swapped glances, decided I was bluffing, and charged us. I set the card I had shot a moment earlier on my knuckles and then punched with it. The card went flying with the force of my punch and spread wide as I barked, "GROW!" In the space of a few feet, the card was as wide as the pier. I'm not sure what their reaction was, I couldn't see through my card, but I could sort of feel it as my card slammed into them and started to push them back. Then they started pushing it back towards me. I grinned as I felt them put their weight into pushing it, "Shrink."

Suddenly the card was the size of an ordinary playing card again. The goons fell face first to the pier as the resistance suddenly gave way beneath them. I grinned as a devilish idea occurred to me. I dropped the card flat onto the pier before them and made it grow out under them before they could regain their feet, "Grow!" I snapped my fingers and the card flew into the air. I could feel the strain of lifting them in my brain as I sent them flying into the sky. It had only been a moment and I was already feeling my skull throb, but in that moment, I had launched them almost twenty feet in the air. Then I grinned and shrank my card back to normal size. They fell screaming back to the pier and I could hear it from across the pier as bones and boards audibly shattered amid screams of pain.

I panted and put my hands on my knees as I caught my card, "Miss Lucy, you wouldn't happen to have a spirit that could finish pulverizing them would you?"

Lucy was silent for a moment and then, "Um, yeah, I know just the guy!" She stepped forward, "Open! Gate of the Golden Bull! TAURUS!" There was a golden glow, a sound like a clock chiming and the distinctive clanging of a cowbell, and then a massive minotaur landed on the pier next to me, "MOOOOOOOOOOO! How ya dooooooin Miss Luuucy?"

"Good to see you Taurus!" Lucy chirped, "You see those guys over there? Can you beat them up for me? Pretty please?" she added with a flirty smile.

I shot the minotaur a thumbs up, "Already softened 'em up for ya big guy! They were gonna kidnap Lucy and a bunch of other pretty girls and do horrible things to them. Go smack the ugly off 'em!"

"YOOOOOOOOOOOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL!" Taurus roared as he drew his axe and charged, "HOW DARE YOOOOOOOOOOOOU EVEN THINK OF HURTIN' MISS LUUUUUUUUUUCY?!"

As the massive minotaur proceeded to brutally pulverize the slavers, Lucy looked down at me, "They weren't really planning to come after me were they?"

I took a breath and let it out before nodding grimly, "If I hadn't been here, then that phony Salamander would have nailed you with the Charm magic the first time you saw him, Natsu would've stumbled onto him and snapped you out of it, and then after you left Natsu in the restaurant because you didn't know he was a Fairy Tail wizard, that faker would've tracked you down and fed you some lies about being in Fairy Tail himself to get you aboard his ship. Natsu would've saved you right in the nick of time and wrecked the entire town in the process, but it wouldn't have gone nearly this smoothly."

Lucy shuddered slightly as she looked at the scum of the earth currently being beaten to pulp by her pet minotaur spirit, "Thank you."

I smiled and straightened up, "No problem! It's what any real man would do." Then I turned and looked at the sight of Natsu and his impersonator laying waste to the town with the spillover from their battle. I felt a bead of sweat run down my temple, "Aaand I guess that's what happens when wizards duke it out."

Lucy turned and looked like she almost soiled herself at the sight of the town going up in flames, "HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS WITH THAT GUY?!"

"Offhand," I deadpanned, "I'd say he's a moron for not taking it out over the water to minimize the damage, but he's our ticket to Fairy Tail and apparently he's one hell of an ace in the hole, so I'll let him slide."

Lucy nodded, "Right."

Then we both winced as the imposter Salamander unleashed an immense laser like attack that lit half the town on fire. I slumped slightly, "On second thought, maybe we oughta go help him?"

Then Natsu jumped over a hundred feet and punched the guy so hard he went flying across town into the nearest church bell with enough force to ring it. I smiled wanly, "Then again, I know virtually nothing about this guy, so who am I to decide when he needs backup?"

Happy flew up, "Hey guys! We need to go! The army's headed this way! Natsu said to leave it to him and come find you to tell you we really need to run now!"

Lucy and I gawked at him for a second and then I turned and barked at the fishermen hiding behind the cabins of their boats, "OI! FISHING FOLK! THESE SCUMBAGS WERE SLAVERS PLANNING TO KIDNAP ALL THE GIRLS IN TOWN! MAKE SURE THE ARMY KNOWS AND FLINGS 'EM IN JAIL!" Then I looked over my shoulder and glanced at Lucy, "Eh Lucy, maybe you should call off the cow? There's not gonna be anything left for the army."

Lucy blinked at me and then turned and her jaw dropped in horror, "WHAT THE HELL TAURUS?! YOU WENT TOTALLY OVERBOARD!"

As I contemplated the blood staining that entire end of the dock and the broken and twisted forms that Lucy's minotaur spirit had been busily mangling for the last five minutes or so, I rather thought that was an understatement. However, as the minotaur disagreed and declared that anyone who would dare to hurt Lucy deserved nothing less, I was inclined to agree with him too. Lucy blushed, thanked him and dismissed him back to wherever he came from.

I grew one of my cards to the size of a carpet and stepped on, "Okay, let's see if this'll work. Happy? Would you carry Lucy until I know if this'll work? Your wings are a little more tried and true than my card."

Lucy had just enough time to register what I'd said and then Happy had her and she was zooming into the air. I flew up after her and was relieved to find that lifting myself on a card was as easy as walking. I grinned as Lucy got over her initial panic at the fact that she was flying and realized that she was flying.

I won't lie, seeing her face light up in that wonderful smile as she experienced flight for the first time, I decided right then and there that I really didn't care at all about ever going back to my own magicless world.