Darkest Days Of My Life

She swallowed and clasped her hands together. His words further confusing her. "Thank you?" It was more a question than gratitude. The silence took over. With the Duke of Carlisle, Beth had learned to expect and enjoy the silence.

He took another drag and crushed his cigar underfoot. He never seemed to finish his cigars. "Unlike with Alexander and Brand, in your company I want to say it all, and do it all." What did he mean? The Duke was far more misconstruing than Lucy and Gwen. "I have for years been taught to walk the paths of gentlemen, never revealing my thoughts to another. Sometimes, I wish for more than polite company."

He was lonely and he admitted his loneliness to her.

Did he mean to? Or was he unaware of his confession? Beth couldn't speak. Here the Duke was, seeking someone he couldn't see as a friend, someone he could tell even his deepest secrets and she thought he wanted her for more than she was willing to give. She was flustered, and her eyes shimmered with remorse and regrets. His profile told his story, his mouth pressed in a fine bow, saying more even when sealed. His lips were full and proud. His jawline… Shocked, she mentally slapped herself. What had she been doing?

"After Eric died," She began, after clearing her throat. "I spent more hours alone with Gwen, first blaming myself over his death, then mourning him in secret so no one would worry much about me. I tried many times to step out of that dark place, only to fall back in again to self-blame." A sad sigh. "Those were the darkest days of my life." Her smile was sad.

"How did he die?" The Duke asked softly.

She blinked and saw a vivid picture. Eric's warm bloodied body on the cold ground, his quiet, still face, a wet patch on his shirt from her tears. Her breath caught. Would she ever forget? "He bled out on the top of the hill at Westside Manor." She almost cried. With a sniff, she added. "It was my birthday."

Beth waited for him to realize what she had said. The wind swept through the balcony, troubling her hair yet again. She should have used a ribbon. The Duke pushed back the strands behind her ear. Beth froze. She looked up, her heart fluttering. He held a serious gaze. Was he drunk? He was getting quite expressive. "I am sorry about your brother."

"Thank you." Beth stepped away. He slowly fisted his hand and pocketed it. Her pink cheeks deepened. "I have not been there since. The hilltop." She smiled at him. "But I had Gwen, and together we survived, becoming even closer."

The Duke blinked slowly. "Was he who you said was waiting for you that day? Up the hill?"

She nodded. "Yes. I could never return to the hill on Westside Manor but I have been to every other, wherever and whenever I can."

His stare did not waver. "Is that why you have sworn a life to spinsterhood? To remain unwed?"

She tried not to be offended. Biting her lip, she muttered, "There is no oath, just a simple resolution." Then, "Why do you hate marriage too? What have you against the institution?" He hesitated. "Surely you do not mean to hide the truth from me, I thought we were candid."

His lips twitched. He sighed, looking behind her. She turned to look behind too. Nothing but the lantern was there. "The marriage of my parents and that of Alexander's." She turned back to him. He paused, blinked and brought his eyes back to her. "They were not an exemplary paradigm."

With the little light the lantern could manage, Beth studied the Duke's face. It spoke the truth even more than his words, but she wanted more. She wished so much to touch him, to realize his expression, to maybe tell his thoughts from her fingers under the dark cloak of the sky.

Reprimanding, Beth shook her head vigorously in hopes to banished the thoughts. The Duke moved closer and instinctively she stepped back, overwhelmed. "Your thoughts are discernible, Beth." His voice was low, as though he was telling a secret. Her cheeks flamed immediately. Dear Lord! She startled, guilty as though being caught red-handed with her thoughts. Did he mean that he knew what she was thinking? "You think me a coward, don't you?"

Astounded, she cried out. "That is untrue, Your Grace." Her name was no longer a slip upon his tongue, he would have realized after the first. "I cannot even consider you in that light. You are a brave man."

"I will wed Lady Cossington before Christmas." The Duke declared.

Her heart slammed, surprised. Quickly she gave a polite smile. "Congratulations then, Your Grace." She bowed slowly and fully.

He scoffed and stepped away. Beth heaved down. He stared her length down. "You think me a coward now." It was no longer a question.

She was appalled. "I would never." Why would he think so? Why would he even care? She did not want to continue the line of conversation. "What I think does not matter."

"It does." He felt a lock of her hair between two fingers. "Your thoughts matter to me." She became motionless. He walked away.

Beth watched him. It was shocking, his revelation. Her thoughts mattered? Why should they matter? She struggled with herself. He was unusually garrulous under the dark sky, and each of his words and his deeds had been causing her internal conflicts. She had to retire if she was sure to survive the night.

"Why do you suppose that is?" He went further to ask, flatly.

How would she know? What was she to say? She was still reeling from been told that her words mattered to him, while telling herself she needed to return to her assigned chamber. First, he had said he missed her, and now, her thoughts mattered. The Duke was a confusing man. He was confusing her.

"Lady Beth?"

Beth focused her gaze. He was looking at her. She walked closer to him; her foot crushed a cigar butt as she did. "Aunt Marrily has requested we return early for the contract signing, and further preparations." Best be done with it. He did notice how she quickly changed the matter of discuss, for his hand tightened on the rail, but she was grateful he did not react. "We hope to return tomorrow. Lord D'Averette seems impatient and eager."

Silence.

Beth waited patiently. She would rather stand out in the cold all night, than discuss further on the topic he had successfully led them into.

The Duke's voice was almost inaudible. "I see." He walked past her, strolling by only to stop by the lantern again. "Is Lady Gallagher happy?"

"Lucy?" Beth smiled. "She is excited."

She saw him nod. Then, "Leave the day after. the King's stable would be opened to all tomorrow." He paused. "Ride with me."

Somehow, it felt more like a command than a request, yet Beth could not refuse. He had gone to great lengths to have them at the Castle. And she had enjoyed the stay, terribly so, as have the girls. She thought for a moment, remembering how she had promised to move with a freedom and ease in his presence, and she would do exactly so. Already intending to end the visit abruptly, Beth decided it would be just fine to let the girls one more day to peruse.

And she could stay one more day with the Duke of Carlisle.

That much she could do for a friend.

"Okay." She agreed.