Chapter 5 - Cancer is a bitch.

Hospitals always gave me this eerie feeling whenever I saw one or entered one.

This was one of those moments.

I always thought of the day my family would rush me here to take my last breath.

"I should really stop thinking like that" I mutter to myself walking down the familiar all white hallways.

They probably paint the whole place white to calm nervous people.

It does little to calm me.

I stop at one of the many white doors on this floor. On a silver nameplate attached to the door is my therapist's name Doctor Moore Wilson.

I knock on the door after confirming from my watch that I am right on time.

"Come in" I hear her soothing voice say from the other side of the door.

I clamp down on the knob and pull the door open. The moment I enter the room Doctor Moore raises her head from the tablet that is on her table. She smiles and stands up for a brief embrace.

When we pull away she gestures for me to sit in the seat I'm well accompanied with.

"How are you dear?"

"I'm fine Doc"

"Oh it's so obvious. I guess you're back to work"

"Yes actually just resumed yesterday".

"Interesting. Tell me how that went"

"I woke up feeling kind of down but I brushed it off and decided to just get on with it. Remember Diego the hot Italian cook"

"Of course"

"Well while I was having my breakfast Diego appears and then we have a little chat then Mike walks into the kitchen the exact moment I feed Diego a piece of bagel."

"Did they fight this time?"

"No I was quick to drag Mike out of there before they started throwing punches at themselves"

I go on to ask her the question that has been plaguing my mind.

"Do you think Mike is in love with me?"

She smiles and adjusts her glasses so that it now rest at the tip of her nose.

"I would say he does but I can't tell. It might be the love of a brother or sister that he has for you. Or maybe it's something more"

I lessen in my seat. That wasn't the answer I was hoping to hear.

"Why don't you ask Mike himself?"

"Not now. I'm mad at him at the moment"

"Did something else happen?"

"Yeah" I tell her the argument that transpired between Mike and I yesterday morning.

"So what did you do during the weekend"

A smile comes up on my face as I remember my day at the carnival.

"By the smile on your face I take it you did something other than reading about men with six abs"

I chuckle and tell her all about the only day I had gone out of my house in the past month.

"You should do more of those with your family" Doc suggested intertwining her fingers together and resting them on the table.

"What?"

"I mean go out to new places. Make memories Lin. I wish you could see yourself as you talked about that day. You had this smile that made your face a whole lot brighter."

"Oh"

"Yes. Now let me ask you this. Did you remember you were sick the whole time during the carnival?"

I think back to that Saturday and the immense happiness that filled my heart the entire time. I was like a bird finally let out of its cage.

Happy and excited.

"No I didn't" I say looking at my dainty wrist.

"There you have it."

Silence follows as I think about what she had just said.

"What will you do if Mike is really in love with you?"

I frown on hearing the question and I say the first thing that comes to my mind.

"I won't believe him and if it's true I'll ignore him"

"Why Linda Lin?"

"Love is something I'm not ready to venture into especially when I'll soon die"

Damn shouldn't have said that.

"Not even one with your best friend?" she asks ignoring the other part of my answer.

"Yes not even one with Mike"

Doctor Moore dismisses me after giving more tips on how to keep the negative thoughts away. She encourages me to do things that I used to love, things that I enjoy that can take me away from the reality of life.

I leave the room with a thankful smile and walk further down the hallway to my next appointment.

My oncologist is on the other side of this door. I stare at it for a while dreading to open it because who knows what diagnosis he is going to give.

I hear footsteps around the corner and not to look like a creep I pretend to search for something in my bag. The nurses passing by don't acknowledge me instead they continue gossiping gesturing wildly with their glove covered hands.

"You can do this Lin. He's just going to examine and tell you some more stuff about the cancer in your body. You can do this girl". I say quietly to myself wiggling my now sweaty fingers.

"Come in Linda-Lin" a male voice says.

I furrow my eyebrows and open the door. He always seem to know when I'm lingering outside.

There he sits at the back of his table on his chair that has a white lab coat hung over it.

"Hi John"

The middle aged man seated before me smiles. "How are you doing Miss Linda?"

"I'm fine. Thank you".

"I was starting to think you were going to spend the whole of our time staring at my door"

I chuckle nervously and take the seat opposite him.

I stare up at his green eyes, there are crinkles by the sides of his eyes giving you the illusion that he must have had good laughs in his lifetime.

From what I see he must have been a dashingly handsome man back when he was younger.

This same green eyes were the first eyes I laid my eyes on after the accident that happened in college my last year to be exact. I remember that day like as if it was yesterday.

That day I had just finished submitting a particular tasking assignment that took me two weeks of no social interaction and three hours max of sleep. I worked my ass off and I was finally submitting the goddamn assignment.

My professor teased me a little about being too pale told me to sleep the whole week if I could I brushed it off and hurried out of class so I could drive to my dorm to get the sleep I deserved so much.

My body was as weak as a leaf yet I managed to make my Jell-O legs to push forward. I remember having swellings on my neck but I brushed them off as knots and kinks that grew due to the stress I was putting myself through.

Fatigue was a dear friend to me as well as loss of appetite. I didn't know those were the early symptoms.

My ignorance made me believe that it was all the assignment's fault. The frequent pounding headaches I would get the sudden excessive sweating, the itchiness.

I disregarded them all.

That fateful day my ignorance caught up to me and I stumbled down a five step stairway and lost consciousness.

The next time I regained consciousness I was in the hospital and this same set of green eyes were staring at me.

Later that day I was diagnosed of Stage 1 Lymphoma Cancer.

And let's just say things haven't been exactly the same anymore.

I felt like someone roughly pulled out a rug from beneath me leaving me to suffer the consequences of falling on a hard concrete floor.

I was distraught didn't want to talk to anyone.

Cried and screamed that the diagnosis was wrong.

I could be pregnant or anything else but not with cancer.

But it was.

Later on I learnt to move on even though my hold on life slackened.

"How are you feeling?" Doctor John Johnson asked.

I had once told him he had a funny name. He laughed and told me his mother was high most of her pregnancy the reason his funny name.

"She probably thought it'd be cool to call me John-John or something" he said.

"Well I'm fine Doc"

"No recent pains"

"Only a few hours of headache no more"

"That sounds good"

"Yeah" I absentmindedly nodded.

He stands up from his seat pulling on rubber gloves. I stand up too knowing what's next.

I walk to the examination bed he has in the corner of his office and jump on it because I'm short and the bed is unreasonably high off the floor.

"You look healthy for the most part. Shows that you've been indeed taking your meds and eating right"

I nod in reply to his observation.

"You still on that diet I placed you on?"

I shrink and send him a sheepish smile.

"I kinda got tired of it"

He laughs and throws his head back laughing.

"I'll fix you up a new one."

"Thanks Doc"

He nods and lift his rubber clad hands to my neck checking for swelling in my neck which is a lymph node region meaning cancerous cells are most likely to have a get-together there.

He hums his fingers moving to the base of my throat. I don't think about anything else try not to look at him even though I know his expression wouldn't give anything away.

That has to be like a course in med school it would probably be; Keep you expressions in check 101.

His goes on with his examination asking me to lift my arm so he can also check my armpits and my sides.

When he's done he writes down something in his clipboard.

He leads me to back to his table. He takes a seat and wordlessly starts typing on his computer.

I keep quiet and fiddle my thumbs.

"Honestly I'm amazed" is all he says and my head raises back up so fast to meet his kind smile.

"What?"

"I'm amazed Linda Lin for four years now you've remained in stage one."

I don't say anything because I'm still blinking like a fish out of water.

"Your body the killer T-cells to be precise are killing those cancerous cells at a rate that almost leaves me breathless."

"Are you serious Doc?"

"Of course I am Lin. The results from the earlier examination this morning just came in. If you religiously continuing taking those drugs and eat right you might be cancer free before the end of the year".

I don't believe it.

I might be cancer free before the end of the year.

We are just in March but hell who cares about the month right now.

Might...it's a possibility one I now chose to believe in.

What if that possibility doesn't happen and something else does?

I brush that thought off.

Mum and Dad would be so happy, also Drake and Mike and Amelia and everybody else.

Before I know what has happened a scream shoots out of my throat and I start jumping around the office like a little girl given a truck load of candy.

Doctor Johnson laughs and tells me to sit down before I run out of breath.

"I want you to know that it is a possibility. A possible one at that. The ball is in your court"

"Yes Doc".

"Also cancer cells have the ability to multiply faster when being threatened. The scan shows that the cancerous lymph nodes are localized meaning in only one region of your body."

"So any new swelling or new symptom you report to me immediately so that we can discuss another form of treatment."

"I will Doc"

"I'm dead serious Lin. Things can still happen I want you to have that at the back of your mind"

I nod understanding him.

"Good"