Chapter 1

Today is the day my beloved is returning, I am preparing myself for his welcoming ceremony, today I must look the most beautiful. My love is back from war after more than a year, today is the day of his victory celebration but why is the pain in my heart not declining. I don't know if it is the disease or my broken heart or my fear.

Cough cough, I cough continuously clutching my chest the pain strengthens. I muffle my mouth with a cloth to stop it. I remove the cloth to see that my blood has reddened the white cloth.

"Crown princess, do you really need to attend the ceremony. You cannot even stand properly. I won't let you go" I hide the cloth and look at my maid Xiao Lan her worried eyes is filled with tears voice barely audible. I slowly pat her head "Let me please, this might be my last time to see him" I pause and look out at a lone tree standing outside all it's leaves has fallen only countable number is left, I remember vividly it was planted by me and him in the garden. Now the tree is dying just like my fading heart.

"I have to engrave him in my soul before everything ends. Before everything fades away" Xiao Lan's cries becomes louder in the empty room. I pat her head lovingly "It's okay, I am fine".

Xiao Lan supports my body and we walk out to the palanquin waiting outside. Suddenly my leg wobbles "Crown princess, be careful", my weight seems to be gravitating and it is becoming too much for weak Xiao Lan. Suddenly a strong arm encircles around my shoulder "So weak yet determined to meet that heartless man" I slowly stand up with his support "Brother Qianfan, you know what he means to me" I smile meekly at him. "You fool" he grumbles but still supports me to board the palanquin.

I sit and reminisce, it has been two years since I started calling it officially my home. But this place never made me feel home, the manor that was suppose to be our cozy heaven only became a place for my solitude.

Instead of calling me crown princess people have started calling me hermit because I am always alone in the large yet so small and empty space of my manor. I haven't appeared in front of people for a year but today I don't care about people or my haggard appearance which I tried my best to hide with the make up and fancy clothes.

I slowly move the curtain to see the passing view, I feel a rain drop on my hand but it is not raining. I touch my cheeks to feel its wet with my tears and it is still flowing. I cry silently which I have done every night in this past year.

I have loved a person for more than twelve years and it is getting deeper and deeper. If I could move on it would have been so easier but life is never easy, this love that every being in this world speaks about has brought me happiest moment yet also sharpest pain. Brother Qianfan told me to forget him and leave this dreadful place that has given me only heartbreak. But how can I forget him when he has already been painted in my mind and heart. How can I leave him when I only dream about spending every bit of time with him. I don't know anything else other than devotedly love him, my existence has meaning only when I am with him. I know it has always been unrequited but heart wants what it wants, I cannot force it.

Every moment spend with him was my boon, I felt alive and present. I still remember how I met him for the first time, how I fell in love and has always loved him since then. For me I loved him even before I even fully grasp the idea of love, he was my oasis in desert.