108. What Wood Lincoln Do?

What Wood Lincoln Do?

[The episode begins at school where Mrs. Johnson is teaching.]

Mrs. Johnson: Good morning, class. I have some exciting news, this week's unit will be woodworking, [pulls down a shade with the title of their new unit over the old one, which was yarn.] It's an important life skill, and I know you won't be board. [Holds up a wooden board and laughs, but the class doesn't seem amused, much to Mrs. Johnson's displeasure.] Really? Nobody?

Lincoln: [To Clyde, uneasy] Woodworking? Clyde, I'm hosed.

Clyde: Hang on, I need to pity laugh Mrs. Johnson. [Pretend laughs] Good one, Mrs. J. I saw what you did there. [Continues laughing, and Mrs. Johnson smiles. Returns to Lincoln.] Okay, now, why are you hosed?

Lincoln: Woodworking's just not my thing. Every time I try to build something, I get jelly legs, my vision goes blurry, my hands get sweaty, my ears start ringing.

Clyde: Ah, like me blowing up balloons.

[Flashback to Clyde's birthday, a very weak Clyde being wheeled into an ambulance, while his dads and Lincoln watch.]

Clyde: Tell my story.

[Flashback ends]

Lincoln: Exactly.

[The Loud House. In the garage, Lincoln is looking at the blueprints for his project.]

Lincoln: [takes a breather] Okay, step one. [his vision starts to get blurry] Oh, boy. Here comes the blurry vision. [passes out]

[Laney walks in and sees Lincoln unconcious]

Laney: [gasps] Oh my gosh! Lincoln! Are you okay? [Laney grabs two balloons and rubs them together, making static, and then she puts it on Lincoln's chest acting as a defibulator.]

Lincoln: [gets up] Ah!

Laney: Oh! Thank goodness you are alright. Now what happned?

Lincoln: I have to build a step stool for class.

Laney: So, that's not so bad.

Lincoln: Yeah? Not when It comes to me. I can't even look at wood without passing out!

Laney: Oh come on, Lincoln. What's so bad about wood? [picks up a piece of wood] I mean, It's not anything to be afriad of. And you can make some pretty neat stuff with it. [takes the blueprint Lincoln was holding] Ooh. This is an interesting project! I can see this stool getting made with the right glue, some sandalwood to give it a more forest vibe, and.. [Before she could finish, Lincoln passes out again] Um. I'll go get mom...

[Later, Laney shocks Lincoln until he comes to]

Lincoln: Ah!

Rita: Lincoln, Laney told me about what's going on. But don't worry, we can help.

Laney: Mom is quite the wood expert. She took a shop class when she was your age. Not to mention I've done a little woodworking myself.

Lincoln: You?

Laney: Yeah, I mostly make wood carvings of the neighbors. [Cut to the wood carvings of everyone in Laney's neighborhood]

Lincoln: Wow. Thanks, guys. So, here are my materials. [Gesturing to the pile of wood]

Rita: Lincoln, we are not building with pine. Let's go get some hardwood.

Lincoln: There's different kinds of wood?

[Later, Lincoln and Rita pull up in front of the hardware store, and Lincoln reads the name.]

Lincoln: 'Shoulda Coulda Wooda?' I don't get it. [Thinks about it and realizes...] Oh, now I get it. [Later, he, Laney and Rita are roaming the aisles.] I thought we were just getting wood.

Rita: Well, I found a few things I needed for other projects.

Laney: Mom takes me here some time to get parts for art projects. There's a lot of good paints here.

[They continue, and Lincoln sees something.]

Lincoln: Oh, look, they have step stools, why don't we just buy one? They're only $12.99.

Laney: Lincoln, I am ashamed that you are choosing to take the easy way out. You know you have to face your problem with wood sometime.

Rita: She's right, Lincoln. We're doing this the right way, it's gonna be fun. [Looks next to her] Oh, stain. [Jerks the cart forward, accidentally sending Lincoln flying head first into one of the toilets.]

Laney: Oh! Sorry Lincoln!

[Back at the garage.]

Rita: Okay, let's see if we can crack this together. [Reading the instructions] 'Attach the bottom step to the side rail using a flat head screwdriver.

[Lincoln looks around, and picks up a screwdriver.]

Lincoln: Here we go.

Rita: That's a Phillips head screwdriver. [holds up a flat head] This is a flat head.

Lincoln: There's more than one type of screwdriver?

[Rita and Laney nod their heads.]

Lincoln: [takes the screwdriver] Okay, cool. I got this.

[Lincoln starts banging the screw with the top of the Screwdriver.]

Rita: [Stopping him] Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey! That's a screw, not a nail.

Lincoln: [groans] Well, how was I supposed to know that?

Laney: Okay, no problem. Let's move on to the wood glue instead. [Grabs some wood glue and opens it] Now, repeat after me. [puts some glue on some wood] What you need to do is put a nice fine bead of glue along the seam. [Hands Lincoln the glue] Can you do that?

Lincoln: Uh, sure I can. [Lincoln opens the cap, and Rita and Laney turn to look at the instructions again. But when she turns back to Lincoln, she hears the sound of glue splattering, and sees that he managed to cover himself in glue. Having officially had it, throws the glue off his head.] Gah! See? I told you I'm no good at this.

Laney: Lincoln! Calm down! We can get through this!

Lincoln: How!? I told you I can't work with wood without my sight gettning blurry, my legs getting wobbly, or-

Rita: Lincoln! [Sighs, and gives Lincoln a cloth.] Okay. I'll tell you what. Why don't I build it, and you can just, watch how I do it?

Lincoln: [gets the last of the glue off him.] Oh, that sounds great. Let's do that.

Laney: Perfect. Now when it comes down to you doing the project yourself, you'll know how to do it.

Lincoln: Oh, totally.

[Rita gets to work on the stool.]

[The next day at school, Mrs. Johnson is looking over the students' step stools.]

Mrs. Johnson: Mm, good effort." [looks at Rusty's] Nice work. [looks at a student's stool, which doesn't look complete.]"Uh...at least you didn't hurt yourself. [pats the boy's head]

[When she gets to Lincoln's step stool, made by Rita, she is surprised and impressed.]

Mrs. Johnson: [gasps] Lincoln, this is amazing! Way to step it up.

Clyde: [pretend laughs once again] Too funny, Mrs. J. [Lincoln takes his seat next to him.] Hey! Way to overcome your fear, Lincoln. Makes me wanna go blow up a balloon.

Lincoln: [Whispering] Well... [looks around, and holds his hand to his mouth] ...actually, my mom built that for me.

Mrs. Johnson: [erases the board] Okay, class, we're going to move on to our next woodworking project.

Lincoln: [busy wiggling a pencil to Clyde then realizes.] We're doing another one?

Mrs. Johnson: [pulls down a shade of the next project.] Birdhouses! Now, they're a little more challenging, but since you've all completed the step stool, I think you can do it.

[The bell rings and Lincoln gets up from his desk. When he looks at the shade, he starts to get jelly legs.]

Lincoln: Oh, boy. Here come the jelly legs. [passes out once again]

[Back at the Loud House, Rita is staining the dining table in the dining room with wood stain. Enter Lincoln.]

Lincoln: Hey, Mom. I stopped by Flip's and got you a blue raspberry Flippee.

Rita: Aww, that's so sweet, honey. What for?

Lincoln: Just a little thank you for helping me out with the step stool.

Rita: It was my pleasure.

Lincoln: I'm glad to hear you say that." [tosses the Flippee away and pulls out his materials.] Because I've got this other little project I thought we could tackle together: building a birdhouse. Huh? Huh? huh?

Rita: Well, sweetie, you don't need my help, remember? I already showed you how to do these projects yourself.

Lincoln: Oh, totally. [puts down his materials] But for me, it's not just about doing the project, it's about the mother-son bonding. It's about...this. [grins pleadingly]

Rita: [stern] Lincoln, I know what you're up to. What kind of parent would I be if I did all your projects for you.

Lincoln: A really nice one? [realizes she's not gonna buy it] Dang it.

Rita: You have your wood, you have your plans. I know you can do this. [Leaves]

[Lincoln sighs, puts the wood on the table, and looks at the instructions, but his ears starts ringing.]

Lincoln: Here comes the ear ringing. [Tries to fight it, only to stagger onto a board that hits him in the face, he falls backwards and knocks the rest of the wood off the table.] I just can't do this. [Gets an idea] But I know who can! [Cut to Laney looking cross at Lincoln]

Laney: No way!

Lincoln: Aw come on, Laney! I really think I got the whole thing down. I just need one more demonstration.

Laney: I know what you're trying to do, Lincoln. You're trying to trick me into making your school work for you.

Lincoln: [nervously; acting] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? [scoffs] No. What kind of brother would do such an awful thing as take advantage of his own sister?

Laney: I'll give you one hint: he has buck teeth, white hair, and faints at the sight of wood!

Lincoln: But-

Laney: No buts, Lincoln. You have to face this problem all by yourself. You think I'd just help with all the problems in this house?

Lincoln: Yes? [Laney scowls at Lincoln]

Laney: This is a personal problem, Lincoln. And personal problems must be handled on their own. I'm sorry, Lincoln. But I can't help you this time. [closes her door]

Lincoln: [sighs] It's hopeless, I'll never complete this project! [Quietly feels sorry for himself, but then he gets another idea.] Hmm, maybe I don't have to.

[Later, in the backyard, Lincoln takes a ladder up to the tree where Walt's birdhouse is, he props the ladder next to the house and Walt comes out wondering what all the commotion was about. Lincoln rubs his head.]

Lincoln: Hey, Walt, I just need to borrow your house for a little while. [Tries to take it, but yelps as Walt squawks in protest.] Don't get your feathers in a bunch. [takes the house] I'll bring it back. [Descends down the ladder, until Walt starts pecking at his head, causing him to fall.] I promise!

[Walt shoots him a dirty look.]

[The next day, Mrs. Johnson is looking at everyone's birdhouse, starting with a kid who had moved into his, she is then astonished by what she thought Lincoln built.]

Mrs. Johnson: [Gasps] Wonderful, Lincoln! This is incredible! [Notices something] Is that, actual bird poop?

Lincoln: [Sees the poop and starts scraping it off, whilst trying to think of an explanation.] Oh, uh, I wanted to give it that lived in look. [Awkwardly smiles]

[Mrs. Johnson smiles and nods, believing Lincoln's excuse. The bell rings and everyone starts to leave, but Mrs. Johnson calls Lincoln.]

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, Lincoln, how'd you like to earn some extra credit?

Lincoln: Sure, never say no to that.

Mrs. Johnson: Great, I need a dresser built ASAP, my mother's coming to visit this weekend and she always complains there's no place to put her gurdles. Since you're such an expert woodworker, you could build one in no time.

Lincoln: [Nervous] Oh, uh, I'd love to, but I have so much homework.

Mrs. Johnson: [Confident] You're excused from homework.

Lincoln: Well, I have to eat right after school, or my blood sugar gets low.

Mrs. Johnson: I'll feed you.

Lincoln: I have to walk our dog?

Mrs. Johnson: I'll send my dog walker over. [Lincoln is just stuttering at this point; victoriously.] So we have a deal. Thanks so much!

[Lincoln is really nervous now.]

Lincoln: [looks at the blueprints] Yeah, no. [tosses them away and contacts Clyde on his walkie-talkie.] Clyde! Come in. Clyde!

Clyde: [picks up] Hey, Lincoln. What's up?

Lincoln: I have a Code Forest Green. I'm at Mrs. Johnson's house, and I have to build a dresser ASAP.

Clyde: You know, Lincoln, I hate to be that guy, but maybe you should've built the step stool in the first place. Then Mrs. Johnson could've seen that you're no expert, and she would've never asked you to build a dresser.

Lincoln: [gets an idea] Oh my gosh, Clyde, you're right! Shoulda Coulda Wooda!

Clyde: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Lincoln: No, Clyde, the store. We can just go there right now and buy a dresser!

Clyde: Ah.

[Later, Lincoln and Clyde are in Lincoln's room, Lincoln is holding his piggy bank.]

Lincoln: This is gonna cost me my last few months of allowance, but it's gotta be done. [Smashes his piggy bank and takes the money. They exit the room where they bump into Laney]

Laney: Hello, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Uh, Laney! What are you doing here?

Laney: I just came from the bathroom until I bump into you guys.

Lincoln: Uh, I was just... [gets an idea] Getting parts for my new project.

Clyde: I thought we were going to buy a new- [Lincoln covers Clyde's mouth before he could finish]

Lincoln: -set of sandalwood for the dresser!

Laney: [gasps] Sandalwood! Oh, that would really brighten the dresser! Oh you've got to let me come with you!

Lincoln: No no, Laney you can't.

Laney: Why not?

Lincoln: [nervous] Uhhh... [thinks of an excuse] I'm really making a breakthrough wiht my wood problem and I need to do this on my own.

Laney: Oh, I understand.

Lincoln: Just meet me at Mrs. Johnson's house in 15 minutes.

Laney: Okay! So proud of you Lincoln! [Runs downstairs]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Yeah, yeah, I know it's wrong for me to lie to my sister but I'm on a deadline here! [Walt, on the other side of the hall, shot Lincoln a look of pure anger and hostility.] Uh oh! [Walt aggressively chases after them, making the two run downstairs in panic.] Uh oh, go, go, go! [They exit the house, and quickly slam the door. Walt ends up flying so fast, his beak penetrates through the door.] I really got to remember to bring his birdhouse home from school.

[Later, they ride their tandem bike to the store and purchase a dresser, which they struggle with getting to the bike. They pull the dresser up a hill, and relax as soon as they start going down. Unfortunately for them, the dresser is faster than they are and they wind up spun backwards and being towed by the dresser, they are dragged by the dresser until a curb stops it propelling Lincoln and Clyde into some shrubs, they get up and Lincoln realizes that they are in the shrubs outside Mrs. Johnson's house.]

Laney: Oh! You guys made it. [looks at the dresser] Wow! This is the dresser you were making?

Lincoln: Yep! That was all me. I did that...

Laney: Impressive work. [Knocks on the dresser] Solid wood. Thought you were going with sandalwood but I'm not judging.

Lincoln: Yeah, yeah. Now help me get this inside.

Laney: Okay. [Laney goes for the door but Lincoln stops her]

Lincoln: Wait! We can't use the door!

Laney: Why not?

Lincoln: [Tries to think up an excuse] Uh... Because I really don't want to carry that heavy dresser all the way upstairs.

Laney: Clyde and I can help, right Clyde.

Clyde: [feeling nauseous] Uhhh...

Laney: Are you feeling okay?

Lincoln: [nervous] Uh. He's fine. He's just got a little motion sick on the way over here. [Clyde becomes more queasy and nods] See if you can find something that can get us up there.

Laney: Uh. Okay... [Leaves]

Lincoln: You gonna be alright, buddy?

Clyde: Sorry, Linc. You know how I get when it comes to lying. My stomach goes in knots!

Lincoln: Don't worry, Clyde. We just need to get this dresser into that room without Laney being the wiser and we'll be in the clear.

Clyde: [gulps] Guh... Okay. I can do this.

Laney: [offscreen] Hey guys! [The boys look to see Laney holding a clothes wire] Will this help?

Lincoln: [Sees and open window] Perfect.

[Cut to later once again as the three try to pull the dresser up to the open window using the clothesline rope, which turns out to be a struggle for all of them. Just then, Mrs. Johnson knocks.]

Mrs. Johnson: Lincoln, I made you a snack. Don't want that blood sugar to drop.

Lincoln: I'm good!

Clyde: Lincoln, you're being rude. She cooked for you.

Lincoln: Fine, hold this.

[Clyde and Laney take the rope, and nearly fall out the window, as Lincoln runs to the door, Mrs. Johnson almost walks in.]

Mrs. Johnson: Lincoln, I-

Lincoln: [Holding the door open just a crack.] Oh, hi, [takes the sandwich] thanks for the sandwich.

Mrs. Johnson: [trying to enter the room] How's the dresser coming?

Lincoln: [Shoves the sandwich in Mrs. Johnson's face.] Uh, it's bad luck to see it before it's finished.

Laney: Before it's finished? I thought it already was.

[Lincoln closes the door, and returns to Clyde and Laney, who are still on the verge of falling, eating the sandwich.]

Lincoln: That was a good call, Clyde, this sandwich is delicious, I think there's smoked turkey in here.

Laney: Can you just help us already? I literally have no upper body stregnth!

Lincoln: [Remembers, panicking] Oh! Right! Sorry! [Catches Clyde right before the dresser crashes, and they continue pulling.] We're almost there.

[Suddenly, Walt comes flying by and sees the trio. He gets angry, and makes a beeline for them, lands on the dresser and he starts pecking at the line. The two boys take notice of this.]

Laney: No! Stop! Bad Walt! Bad!

Lincoln: Hurry!

[The three try to pull the dresser up faster, but the rope snaps in half and the dresser falls to the ground with a large crash. Now the boys and Laney are the ones who are mad, but Walt just blows raspberries at them and flies away. Mrs. Johnson runs outside to see what's going on, and finds the pieces of the dresser all over the lawn.]

[Lincoln and Clyde hide from Mrs. Johnson's sight.]

Laney: Oh, Lincoln. I'm so sorry that your dresser was destroyed. I know you worked so hard on it.

Lincoln: Actually, Laney. There's something I want to tell you...

Clyde: No, Lincoln! We can still fix this! I know. We'll tell her you built the dresser, and I was so jealous how great it was, that I pushed it out the window!

Laney: Clyde, we can't lie to Mrs. Johnson.

Lincoln: She's right, Clyde. Besides, I did enough lying for one day.

Laney: What? Lincoln, what are you talking about?

Lincoln: Laney, both you Mrs Johnson both deserve the truth...

[Outside]

Laney: [outraged] YOU DID WHAT!?

Lincoln: Yeah, I didn't really make that dresser or that stool.

Mrs. Johnson: So your mom built the step stool, and the birdhouse belongs to your pet?

Lincoln: [Remorsefully] Yeah, I'm really sorry that I lied...

Laney: I cannot believe you lied to me like that! After all this time, I thought you really got through your problem. But no! You prefer the easy way out! Like a cheater!

Mrs. Johnson: Well, Lincoln, I'm pretty disappointed, this isn't like you. I-I think you need to clean this up and go home.

Lincoln: Okay. [Turns to start cleaning, but sees that Walt is still mad.] Hey, any chance I can get that birdhouse back from you?

[Later, Lincoln and Clyde are tossing the pieces of the dresser into a dumpster.]

Lincoln: I feel bad about lying, but I didn't have a choice, I'm just not good at woodworking.

Clyde: Oh, totally. It's just like me and the balloons. I tried so hard to blow them up, but I just couldn't. Passed out every time. Even in the ambulance I kept trying. When they took the balloons away, I grabbed some latex gloves and I tried to blow up those-!

Lincoln: [Cutting him off] Whoa, Clyde!

Clyde: I know, I'm spiraling.

Lincoln: No, I mean, you actually tried to conquer blowing up balloons. I didn't put in any effort. I just took the easy way out. [sighs] Like a cheater.

Clyde: Don't be so hard on yourself, buddy. Every uh-oh's a chance to grow. I saw that on a poster in Dr. Lopez's office. [continues to toss the wood into the dumpster.]

Lincoln: Huh, maybe that poster's right. Come on, Clyde! We have to get all that wood back!

Clyde: Well, most of it landed in ketchup, but okay.

[Later, Laney was in her room writing something in her journal when she heard a knock on the door she went to open it and sees Lincoln holding something]

Laney: Well, well, well, If it isn't Woody Wood-faker!

Lincoln: I know why you're upset with me, Laney. And I don't blame you. I've lied to you and tried to take the easy way out instead of facing my problem. And to show how sorry I am. I made something for you.

Laney: Did you? Or did you got it at a half-off sale at Shoulda Coulda Wooda?

Lincoln: No. I mean I actually made something. [Lincoln holds out a crudely made wooden heart] I tried to conquer woodworking and I made this as an apology.

Laney: [smiles] Wow. Lincoln you actually made this? [Confused on what Lincoln's gift was] Uh... rock?

Lincoln: It's supposed to be a heart.

Laney: [sighs] I don't care. It's the thought that counts. [Hugs Lincoln] Thanks Lincoln.

Lincoln: You're welcome, Laney. Now if you excuse me, I got a project to work on. And this time, on my own.

The next day at school, Lincoln enters the classroom and Mrs. Johnson is typing.]

Lincoln: Mrs. Johnson, I just wanted you to know that I made a step stool. [sets the step stool down] I don't expect you to change my grade, I only did it to prove to myself that I could.

Mrs. Johnson: Actually, I haven't done the grading yet. [picks up the step stool to examine it.] I'm proud of you for giving it a try. I can tell how hard you worked. There's blood all over this.

Lincoln: Actually, that's ketchup. Maybe barbecue sauce.

Mrs. Johnson: Well, I think I'm going to give you a pass.

[Lincoln grins and heads to his seat. Clyde is reading a paper. Lincoln sits and he and Clyde gave each other a thumbs up.]

Mrs. Johnson: Ok, class. Our next unit will be... [pulls down a shade with the title of their new unit over the woodworking unit.] ...the clowning arts. We'll start with balloons. [gets out a bag of balloons and blows up a balloon. Clyde is shocked at this.]