106. Friendzy

Friendzy

[There are brawls breaking out all over the house.]

Laney: [offscreen] Stop! Please! Oh! I knew something like this would happen, but I didn't think it would be this bad!

[The loud noise catches the attention of a policeman, whose car pulls up to the house. In the dining from, the siblings are fighting, when suddenly...]

Policeman: Police! Open up!

[Hearing a policeman at their door, the siblings immediately stop fighting.]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] You're probably wondering, 'What did you guys do now?' Well, to explain, I have to go back a few days.

A FEW DAYS EARLIER

[Flashback. Vanzilla is seen pulling out of the driveway.]

Lincoln: [narrating] You know us Louds. We're notorious for fighting over everything, which usually leaves us with nothing.

Lynn Sr.: Okay, we need some tunes for the ride. What should it be?

Luna: Rock!

Lori: Love songs!

Laney: Smooth Jazz!

Lynn: The sports station!

Lisa: West Coast rap!

[Realizing they all have differing opinions, the siblings begin arguing with each other, where they begin fighting. Without warning, Rita takes out an air horn, and blares it, making the kids stop fighting, covering their ears, and causing the back window to shatter.]

Rita: If you kids can't decide, your father and I will decide for you.

[Rita turns the radio on, and some country music begins playing.]

Rita and Lynn Sr.: YEE-HAW!

[The kids groan in defeat.]

[Flashback]

Lynn Sr.: Kids! I'm off to the grocery store! Any requests for dinner?

[Suddenly, the house begins shaking. The siblings begin rushing downstairs, shouting their requests.]

Lisa: Sardines!

Lincoln: Chicken nuggets!

Lori: Bean chips!

Laney: French fries!

Luan: Banana cream pie!

[Lynn Sr. hollers at the impending chaos.]

Lana: [from upstairs] Worms! The butcher usually sets some aside for me.

[The siblings begin arguing with each other, and, without warning, Lynn Sr. blares the air horn, which makes the kids stop fighting.]

Lynn Sr.: If you guys can't decide, I'll decide for ya. Goulash it is!

[Lynn Sr. twirls around for a second, and exits the house, making the kids groan in defeat.]

[Flashback. Laney was in the living room reading a book when the rest of the siblings rush to the TV. Lincoln hops on top of Lola, Lynn, Luan, and Luna's heads and gets to the couch first. Lincoln grabs the remote.]

Laney: Hey, watch it!

Lincoln: Sorry! Time for ARGGH!.

[From behind, Lucy snags the remote, and her sudden appearance makes Lincoln fall over out of panic.]

Lucy: You mean Vampires of Melancholia.

[From behind, Lana bumps Lucy with her butt, where the remote falls out of her hands, and Lola catches it.]

Lola: You mean Prison Pageants.

Lynn: Basketball!

[Suddenly, the kids begin fighting over possession of the remote.]

Luan: You guys can't be remote-ly serious! [laughs] But really, I wanna watch the Circus Channel!

Laney: Guys! Please! I'm sure if we can just find a compromise we can- [The siblings are now arguing with each other with Laney pulled into the fray, and, without warning, Rita arrives, and blares the air horn, making the kids stop arguing.]

Rita: Well, if you kids are going to fight, I'll take the remote. Thank you.

[Rita forcefully takes the remote from Lola, sits down, and changes the channel to an elderly woman watering a plant.]

Gardening Grandma: Now we just wait... and watch it grow.

[After that sentence, the woman just stares at the plant while doing nothing. After five seconds of complete silence, the kids groan in defeat. Cuts back to the present scene.]

Lincoln: But then, I discovered that to get what you want in this family, you don't necessarily have to fight.

[Cuts to a flashback of Lynn and Margo watch TV together, when Lincoln comes up.]

Lincoln: Uh, Lynn, I usually watch ARGGH! after school.

Lynn: Aw, no problem, Lincoln. Only 6 ½ innings left in this game.

[Lynn and Margo cheer as Lincoln storms into the dining room, where Rita is working on her novel.]

Lincoln: Mom, I usually watch ARGGH! after school!

Rita: I know, Lincoln, but let Lynn watch her game, okay? She has a friend over.

Lincoln: [thinking] A friend, do you say?

[The next day, Laney was laying on the tree with her pet pig]

Laney: [sighs] I don't know about you, Squeals. But I'm tired of having to fight for everything in this house. I mean just this morning we fought about what we have for breakfast and we ended up having dad's breakfast sausages. And trust me, they are not a perfect way to start the day. [Squeals snorts in agreement] I just wish there was a way to make things work for me. [Just then, Lincoln is seen talking to someone on his walkie talkie] Huh? Lincoln what are you doing?

Lincoln: I'm calling Clyde over to watch TV.

Laney: But, Lori and Leni are watching TV today.

Lincoln: Not for long.

Laney: I have a feeling I might regret this later, but what are you up to?

Lincoln: [Cuts back to the present time] I called my discovery 'Playing the Friend Card' it means Mom and Dad give you special privileges if you have a friend over. I'm pretty sure my sisters weren't aware of it, but now I was. And of course, Laney. But I trust her enough to keep this little secret between us.

[Cuts back to the flashback with Laney and Lincoln]

Laney: So let me get this stright, we can have priviledeges from mom and dad when we have friends over?

Lincoln: That's right.

Laney: And the others don't know about this?

Lincoln: Nope, just you.

Laney: Yeah, this is gonna end badly.

Lincoln: Come on, Laney! This is a perfect plan! We never again have our parents decide everything for us!

Laney: But everytime I get involved with these ideas it always end in disaster!

Lincoln: But if you play the friend card you never have to worry about getting involved in our fights again! And you get to spend more time with your friends. [Laney begins to think about it] I mean, when was the last time you invited Karla over? Or Quentin? Or Joey?...

Laney: J-J-J-Joey? [Lincoln smirks at Laney; thoughts] I can't believe I'm saying this but Lincoln might be right about that friend card. [Looks and sees Lincoln meeting up with Clyde as they high five each other and went inside] I could use someone on myside to help keep the chaos down and read books with me, and be a second actor in my pretend plays. And it might give me a chance to spend time with Joey. [giggles then shakes her head] No, Laney. Don't be silly. You've been living in this house long enough to know that things like this never turn out well in this family. But still, I wouldn't hurt to have just one friend over, just for fun of course. I don't want to use anyone...

[Cuts to Lincoln and Clyde watching ARGGH, when Lori, Leni, and Lucy approach them.]

Lori: [Unhappy] Move it, Lincoln, we're watching the Dream Boat.

Rita: [Just coming out of her room] Uh, girls, let Lincoln watch ARGGH!, he has a friend over.

[The girls groan in frustration, as Lincoln slyly smiles. Later in the backyard, Laney and Karla were playing soccer where Rita was gardening when Lynn approach them.]

Lynn: Move it, Lanes. Lans and I got the backyard reserved for badmonton.

Rita: Girls, let Laney play. She has a friend over.

[Lynn and Lana glare as Laney and Karla continue to play. Cuts to Lynn Sr. baking cookies.]

Lynn Sr.: [calling out] Kids, I'm baking cookies! Who wants to lick the beaters?!

[A commotion starts to take place and a glass of milk on the counter starts to shake, Lynn Sr. looks worried as Lincoln, Clyde, Lana, Lola and Lisa all rush in wanting to lick said beaters.]

Lola: [pushing Lana aside] Get out of my way, or I'll find you in your cell after lights out!

Lana: Lola, you really gotta stop watching those prison shows.

Lynn Sr.: Girls. Lincoln has a friend over, let them have the beaters.

[Lincoln and Clyde enjoy the beaters, while Lola, Lana and Lisa look on with suspicion.]

Lynn Sr.: [Holding a covered tray] Dinner is served. [Uncovers the tray revealing chicken nuggets.]

Luna: Chicken nuggets? Bogus dude, I asked for bangers and mash.

Lisa: And I clearly recall requesting sardines. I'm low on my Omega-3s.

Lynn Sr.: Well, Lincoln has a friend over so Clyde got to pick tonight's dinner.

[The girls shoot him questioning looks, and then their brother dirty glares.]

Lincoln: [Nonchalantly] And I suggested chicken nuggets.

Clyde: [Also nonchalantly] And I said that was a great idea.

[Lincoln smirks at his sisters, who glare at him even dirtier.]

[Cuts to the siblings, except for Lincoln and Lily in Lisa and Lily's room.]

Lisa: I call this emergency sibling meeting to order. Something stinks in this household, and I'm not referring to our collective chicken nugget breath. [goes into her closet and grabs a white board.] According to my calculations, there is a direct correlation between the amount of time Clyde and Karla have been over, and the number of privileges approved by Lincoln and Laney. Someone who fancies themselves a wit might call this "Playing the Friend Card".

[The sisters gasp and start complaining.]

Lola: I got this! During guard change, I'll sneak up on Lincoln in the shower!

Lisa: Um, sister, that won't be necessary. I have another plan.

[The next day, Laney was walking intothe house with Joey]

Joey: It sure was rather nice of you to invite me over to your house Laney. I've never been to your place before.

Laney: You're gonna love it, Joey. I've just got two copies of the latest John Ruby book and I can't wait to read it with you.

Joey: Oh, I do love me a good mystery. [The two enter inside with Clyde and Lincoln only to find that Lola and a friend has taken up the TV]

Lola: [Nonchalantly] You guys wanna join me and Roxanne for Prison Pageants?

Lincoln: [Gently puts down his net and runs to his parents room.] Moooooom! Lola's watching TV, but Clyde and I are supposed to be watching ARGGH!

Rita: Sorry, honey. Let Lola watch her show, she has a friend over.

Lincoln: But I have a friend over, too!

Rita: True, but Lola got to the TV first.

[Lincoln looks annoyed. Meanwhile in the living room]

Joey: Is there something going on here?

Laney: Nah, just some typical Loud House stuff. Come, we'll just read upstairs.

[Later, Laney and Joey were walking into the kitchen]

Laney: Here. I'll treat you to some cookies, Joey.

Joey: That would be nice. [Laney and Joey were surprised find that all the cookies are gone]

Laney: What the!? [Sees Luna with her friend Sam] What happened to the cookies?

Luna: [pulls out an empty plate] All out, brah. Dad said Sam and I had first dibs.

[She smirks and Laney glares Joey looked on nervously. Cuts to Lincoln and Clyde walking into the kitchen.]

Lincoln: We may not have the TV, but at least we can choose lunch. [to Lynn Sr.] Hey Dad, Clyde said he would lover franks and beans today.

Clyde: Well, Lincoln suggested it, but I agreed.

Lynn Sr.: Sorry, guys. [holds up two sporks each with two sausages on them.] Lunch is already made.

Lucy: [Appears behind Lincoln who screams in terror.] Yeah, my friend Haiku is staying for lunch and requested blood sausage.

Clyde: Friend? I don't see a-[notices Haiku behind him and also screams in terror.]

[Lucy smiles at Lincoln, who looks suspicious. Cuts to the two boys walking out to the backyard.]

Laney: Come on, Joey! I can't wait to show you my soccer skills!

Joey: That's sounds smashing, Laney. I did a few rounds of soccer back home in London. Did you know that we call it 'football'?

[But Lori and Whitney already take the backyard]

Lori: [Stopping Laney and Joey] Sorry Laney, Whitney and I have this field for badmition.

[Lincoln and Clyde approach Laney and Joey]

Lincoln: Laney. What's going on? I couldn't get my own choices for lunch or what to watch TV! Did you tell everyone about the friend card?

Laney: No, Lincoln! I didn't! Honest! I think they just know about it!

Lori: Darn right we know. And in case you two thought you were getting any other privileges today everyone else is on to you, too.

[Lincoln looks confused, but he, Clyde, Laney, and Joey turn around and gasp when they see Lincoln's sisters (minus Lily) and their best friends giving them sinister looks, Lynn Sr. (who is holding Lily) and Rita gasp at this, too.]

Lynn Sr.: Yikes, that's a lot of kids, you wanna hide at the mall for a few hours?

Rita: Do I? It'll be quieter and less crowded. [They and Lily race off.]

Laney: [Agitated] Okay, girls. If that's how you want to play it. Fine!

Joey: Uh, Laney? Are you feeling okay?

Laney: I will be once I master the friend card! [Dashes off holding Joey]

Joey: Is it always this unusual around here?

Clyde: Trust me, you get used to it.

[Cuts back to the present, where Lincoln is observing his frozen sisters. He pokes Luan's face, but she doesn't do anything.]

Lincoln: [shrugs; to the viewers] My sisters had discovered the Friend Card, but they forgot that Lincoln Loud is the man with the plan. So, I just came up with a way to outsmart them.

[Cuts to another flashback of Lynn and Margo getting ready to watch TV.]

Lynn: [Grabbing the remote] Woo-Woo! Double header time!

Lincoln: [Appearing with Clyde] We'll be watching ARRGH!, thanks.

Lynn: [laughs] In your dreams. I have a friend over so, uh-

Lincoln: Yes. You have one friend over. [It's revealed that Liam is there with them.] But I have two. [Whispers in Lynn's ear] And two is greater than one.

[Lynn angrily gives Lincoln the remote as he, Clyde and Liam jump on the couch. Lynn and Margo scream and fall off. Meanwhile, Lana was playing in the front yard with her friend when Laney and Joey showed up]

Laney: Hey, Lana. Mind if you move along I need this front yard to play soccer.

Lana: I don't think you've noticed, Laney. But I've got one friend playing in the mud with me.

Laney: I don't think YOU'VE noticed but I have two friends over. [It's revealed that Karla is there with them] And two is greater than one so... [Lana glares at her and she leaves with her friend]

[Later, Laney and her friends were playing soccer when Lana appeared]

Lana: You, Laney. Would you mind if you and your friends clear the way so that we can use the yard? And before you answer I brought three friends over. [It is revealed that Lana has brought one more friend over] And three is greater than two... [Laney growls at Lana.]

Karla: Yo, Laney. Chill out. We can just play somewhere else.

Laney: Oh, we're gonna be playing alright... [Joey and Karla look at each other knowing that things will not go well]

[Meanwhile in the living room, the boys are watching ARGGH, when Lynn returns with Margo, and two more of her friends.]

Lynn: Guess what, Lincoln, I can do math, too, and three is greater than two.

[Takes the remote back, and flips the couch backwards, with Lincoln, Clyde, and Liam still on it, something she and her friends laugh at. Later, Lynn and her friends are watching the game, and eating popcorn, Luna and Sam approach them, and Luna is not happy.]

Luna: [To Lynn] Hey! Sam and I had dibs on that popcorn.

Lynn: Gee, sorry Luna. [Continues eating] But I got three friends over, [swallows, and whispers to Luna.] and three beats one

Luna: [Even more surprised at Lynn.] Dude! I thought we were on the same side!

Lynn: Yeah, well Lincoln brought in two friends so I did what I had to do.

Luna: Well, fine, I can call my friends too. [Storms off to the phone] Operator, can you help me place this call?

[Cuts to Leni and Becky playing badminton, when Luna comes up.]

Luna: Dude, mind if we cut in?

Leni: But Becky and I are playing-

Luna: Nah, totally dude. I get that. It's just that, you have one friend over, [camera zooms out to reveal three more friends behind her and Sam.] and I have four.

[Leni glares at Luna and gives her badminton racquet to her.]

[Back inside, Lynn and her friends are still watching TV when Leni comes up to them.]

Leni: Can you please pass the remote, Lynn? It's time for my 'fashion show' show.

Lynn: [imitates a buzzer] I have three friends over, so I get the TV. Thank you.

Leni: Three? Oh, that's so cute. I have five. [camera zooms out to show her friends behind her.] Wait... [counts] Yeah, five. [she and her friends grin smugly at Lynn and her friends.]

[Later, Leni and her friends are watching TV when Lori comes up to them.]

Lori: Excuse me, Leni, my friends and I have to watch our dating advice show.

Leni: Sorry, Lori. I have five friends over and-

Lori: Oh, only five? [The camera cuts to show she and Whitney are now joined by five additional friends. Leni starts to count them when Lori suddenly pushes her face up to hers.] I'll save you the trouble- there are six of them. Remote, please!

[Leni glares at her. One scene wipe later, Lori and her friends are watching TV when Lisa comes up to her.]

Lisa: Pardon the intrusion, eldest sibling. But it's time for the congressional hearings.

Lori: But Lisa-

[But before Lori can say anything more, the camera zooms out to reveal Lisa is joined by six of her classmates.]

Lisa: Lucky seven, baby. Count' em!

[Later, Laney walked over to Lisa and her friends]

Laney: Hey, Lis. Do you mind if you and your friends clear the room. We're reading the latest John Ruby book.

Lisa: I'm afraid it can't be possible, elder sister. For I have seven friends and you have-

Laney: Eight. [The camera zooms out to see Laney is joined by eight of her classmates]

[From here on, there is a rapid-fire montage of the sisters each bringing in more friends to outnumber each other's.]

Lola: [accompanied by eight friends, addressing Lisa's group.] Move it, Lisa! My eight friends and I want to watch Prison Pageants.

Lucy: [accompanied by nine friends, addressing Lola's group.] Sorry, Lola, but my nine friends and I would like to watch Vampires of Melancholia.

Luna: [accompanied by ten friends, addressing Lucy's group.] Hit the road, Jack. My ten friends and I have a concert to watch!

Luan: [accompanied by eleven friends, addressing Luna's group.] Everyone nose... [points to her red clown nose] ...that 11 is more than 10! And we have a comedy special to watch!

Laney: [accompanied by twelve friends, adressing Luan's group] Sorry, Luan. I got a dozen of friends and we're gonna read the final chapter of "John Ruby and The Curse Of The Golden Monkey".

[At this point, the house is loaded, and the siblings are talking amongst themselves while getting angry.]

Lori: "You guys, this is literally out of control. Lana, did you really have to invite twelve of your muddy friends over?"

Lana: Don't bark at me, Lincoln invited thirteen randos over from the arcade. [To Lincoln] I bet you don't even know all their names.

Lincoln: I do too, there's Jeff, or is it Josh?

Laney: I know all of my friends. Karla, Quentin, Joey, Shawna, Louis, Casey, Alice, Jenny...

Lisa: By my calculations, [pulls out her threat level chart] with this many people in the house, we could be approaching a threat level of, Stampeding T-Rex.

[Suddenly things in the living room start heating up.]

Friend 1: Hey I was watching that!

Friend 2: Too bad!

Friend 3: No! Too bad for you!

Friend 4: Give me the remote, I wanna watch the sports channel!

Lisa: Uh-Oh, make that Erupting Volcano!

[The siblings look, and see their friends beating each other up.]

Lori: That's just great, Lincoln. Those complete strangers you invited into our home, just started a fight.

Lincoln: [Still having no clue who he invited into the house.] Jim would never do that, it was probably Lola's pageant group, they looked vicious.

Lola: [Scoffs] My money is on Lynn's meat head jock friends.

Lynn: [mimicks buzzer] Blame Laney! Her friends are so stuffy they have to take up the whole house.

Laney: Ohohohohoho! That's it! Bring it on! [Just as Laney was about to get into a fight with her siblings, Karla and Joey pulled her away]

Joey and Karla: Laney, stop!

Laney: What!?

Karla: Listen, Lanes. Joey and I have been talking and we think you've gone totally bananas over this friend card buisness!

Laney: I'm not going crazy! I'm just keeping my siblings in line and show them that I can master the friend card better than them! [Joey puts his hands over Laney's shoulders.]

Joey: Laney, listen to yourself. You're becoming obsessed over trying to one up you're siblings! You're no better than them! [Laney gasps and looks around and sees the mess Lincoln's friend card idea caused. Everyone including the Louds were all fighting]

Laney: [horrified] Oh no! What have I done! [Two fights are shown in one house, a police car pulls up, while everyone's still fighting; offscreen] Stop! Please! Oh! I knew something like this would happen, but I didn't think it would be this bad!

Policeman: [Banging on the door] Police! Open up!

[The siblings stop fighting the same way they did at the beginning of the episode.]

Lincoln: [To the viewers] And now you're caught up.

[Lincoln answers the door to see the policeman standing there.]

Policeman: Okay, kids, break it up! Party's over.

[The horde of friends leave the house.]

Lori: [calls out] Wait, Leni! [exasperated] You don't leave, you live here.

Leni: [heading back into the house] Oh, right!

[Rita and Lynn Sr. come back home, just as the last kids start to leave.]

Rita: What is going on here?! Why are there 65 kids walking out of our house?!

Policeman: Are you the parents?

[They nod]

Policeman: I'm afraid you've got a two-hundred dollar ticket for noise violation. [He gives Rita the ticket.] Try to keep your kids under control, this is a nice neighborhood.

[He leaves, and Lynn Sr. closes the door.]

Lynn Sr.: [Sternly] Anyone care to explain?

Lincoln: [Looks around] I will, I've got the story down pretty well by now. [Winks to the viewers] ...and now you're caught up.

Rita: Well, you guys are going to have to use your allowances to pay for this ticket. [The kids nod]

Lynn Sr.: And I hope you've learned your lesson.

Luan: Definitely, we're done playing the friend card, in fact, we fold. [Laughs]

Laney: We're serious. We've all let this go completely out of control. Especially me. Heck, I didn't mean to even be caught in the crossfire. The whole point was so I can help make decisions around this house easier.

Lana: Yeah. But we've learned our lession. From now on why don't we just take turns on choosing what show to watch, and who gets to lick the beaters, and junk?

Luna: Pretty sweet idea. We can start with dinner tonight.

Lincoln: Lori, you're the oldest, why don't you go first?

Lori: Ooh, okay. I think we should have-

Rita: Um, sorry honey, tonight's dinner has already been set. We're having goulash. [Awkwardly smiles]

Lucy: Goulash? Why?

[The doorbell rings]

Lynn Sr.: Well, [Awkwardly laughs, opens the door, and his and Rita's friends walk in.] we're having friends over.

[It's their turn to receive dirty looks.]

Laney: Seriously!?