Vanity

Hope. What am amazing thing. In love, you hope your spouse is safe. In fear, you hope everything will be ok. In death, you hope the departed finds peace. There's no line to draw with hope and there's no boundaries in which you can hope for and about. You make it your own like you do love.

Almost a year ago my husband left me because I was sick. So is his mom, and he was having kidney troubles. I couldn't have anymore kids, my two weren't his and he wanted a baby. Out of the blue he texted me that. I was already devastated by the cheating, by the tumor inside my spinal cord, the inflammation around my brain and how loveless he ended up being. That text was a low blow and coward move from a Marine.

Pussy couldn't even tell me to my face even though we hardly ever fought and he had no reason not to. Coward. I'm from Montana you see and Charlie drug me and my two kids down to Southern California where there's a big base. Then he left us there! He packed up and went on leave to North Dakota where his family lives and just left us there. When the base is as big as your state's biggest city, you don't do that to anybody. I was terrified.

So much more happened that I'll get to I'm sure. At first I hoped bad things for Charlie, things like not being able to have kids, to him having a daughter and her bringing home a man just like him. There was guilt about my thoughts even in all the devastation, and it didn't feel right since I too, believe that those things come back around to you.

In the end I decided that Charlie shouldn't get away with breaking almost every single marriage vow. His grandmother who married us in God's country (Montana), bound by God's name passed away shortly after we married and for some reason I think that counts for something. In the end I hope Charlie has a long, rich life. When Charlie dies though, I asked God that I hope he goes to heaven- but, only after feeling my pain, my two kiddos pain just as we felt/ feel it and for as long as we each did. Each person's pain is to be felt separately, every moment of hurt, every painful thought we might have over the years about what he did to us.

That's fair right? Do I forgive?

Ok so, previously the man sharing my pics, we'll call him Cowboy. I mentioned that so you know there's Charlie and Cowboy. I was pretty hurt by the sharing if you couldn't tell. He lost respect and I thought I didn't want to see him again. It would be pretty shitty of me to not forgive him for something men do, and something I kind of expected. The thing that I'm torn on is the fact that you get what you allow.

After Charlie left, I'm thinking about things he said that I'm building a wall for. Things I can't forget. Things that might only bother me, and another dude like Cowboy, don't care about because Charlie was a petty fucker. Charlie was vanity.

Everybody says things are black and white, but that's not true. I'm a circumstantial person. Shit happens, that's life and you can't draw a line when there's so many reasons why we do what we do.

As for today, I hope for answers to the things I've been thinking about. And maybe a more solid train of thought lmao.