Chapter 05: Friends?

mere mann ye bata de tu

kis ore chala hai tu

kya paya nahi tune

kya dhoond raha hai tu

__ __ __

Sara's POV

I lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling, waiting for it to start. It always begins the same way—a soft, barely audible whimper from Abeer's room. I've heard it so many times now that I can tell the exact moment it's about to begin, even in the dead of night. My heart clenches in my chest, and I force myself to breathe evenly, even though I know what's coming. I've gotten used to this, but it doesn't make it any easier.

When the whimpers turn into muffled cries, I'm already up, padding quietly across the hallway to her room. I push the door open gently, not wanting to startle her, but knowing she's too deep in her nightmare to notice. She's thrashing around, tangled in her sheets, her face streaked with tears. It breaks my heart every time I see her like this—so scared, so lost in whatever horrible place her mind has taken her.

"Maan… Maan…" The word slips from her lips, over and over again. I freeze every time I hear it, even though I've heard it a thousand times. "Maan"—Rehman. It used to be her nickname for him back in school, when they were inseparable. I always thought it was just a silly name between friends. But now, hearing it in the middle of the night, with Abeer trapped in some nightmare, it feels like so much more. I just don't know what it means to her or why she's suffering like this.

I sit on the edge of her bed, brushing the hair off her forehead, trying to soothe her. "I'm here, Abeer. It's okay, I'm here." But she doesn't hear me. She's trapped, locked away in a place I can't reach, no matter how hard I try. And I've tried everything—God knows I've tried.

I've thought about telling our parents so many times. I know they'd want to help, but then I remember the way Abeer begged me not to say anything. "Please, Sara, promise me you won't tell anyone." How could I break that promise? How could I betray her like that? I hate keeping this secret, but I can't bring myself to go against her wishes.

I've gone behind her back, though. I couldn't just sit by and do nothing, so I've talked to psychiatrists, trying to find a solution. I've tried every suggestion they've given me—medications, breathing exercises, anything that might help her sleep peacefully. But nothing works. Every night, it's the same thing. The nightmares come, like clockwork, tearing her apart from the inside out.

It's starting to take its toll on her, too. She's more conscious of it now, trying to stay awake as long as she can, avoiding sleep like it's the enemy. The insomnia is wearing her down, stealing away the Abeer I know. She doesn't laugh as much anymore, and when she does, it doesn't reach her eyes. It's like she's slipping away from life, little by little, and I don't know how to stop it.

I sit with her until the nightmare fades, and she settles back into a restless sleep. I stay until I'm sure she's okay, then I head back to my room, feeling more helpless than ever. I just want to protect her, to take away whatever's haunting her, but I don't know how. I don't know if I ever will. All I can do is be there for her, every night, waiting, hoping that someday this will all end.

But deep down, I'm scared it never will. And that terrifies me.

And then there's the name—Maan. Why does she keep calling out for Rehman in her nightmares? What could he possibly have to do with all this? They were close, yes, but that was years ago. I just don't understand. I've asked her about him, tried to get her to talk, but she always changes the subject or brushes it off like it's nothing.

But it's not nothing. It can't be. Not when she's suffering like this. What am I missing? What's the connection between Abeer's nightmares and Rehman? I can't shake the feeling that there's something she's not telling me, something deeper that I can't quite put my finger on.

One day, I'll find out. I have to. For her sake.

Abeer's POV

The exhaustion I feel every morning... It's like I've been running miles. What is it that Sara says? "Fighting demons." She keeps asking me about Maan, but what is there to say? God knows what I say in my sleep, what happens to me that she looks at me with such worry and concern. She doesn't exactly tell me, but all I know is that I cry at night and call out his name.

She thinks it's something he did to me, something horrible. I wonder how wild her imagination is running, but little does she know that it's me who did this to myself and no one else. There's nothing I can tell her, and nothing that she could help me with. I'm a hopeless case. I've come too far on this road that this love has crossed all limits. From happiness and desires, from hope and waiting, I've even crossed the paths of pain and agony. Now, it's just void. I'm floating in nothingness, and I can't seem to find my ground.

As for Maan, he's everywhere. In every face, in every voice. I feel like I've finally lost my mind. Sometimes I talk to him as if he's right in front of me, and I hear him talk back. I fear if he ever does come in front of me, I won't even react—thinking of him as just another one of my illusions.

Abeer's Diary

jis ki sans se sans le rhy hein

us sans ko bhool jaen

yeh mumkin nahi

jis ki muskan se dil ko rahat hai

us muskan ko bhool jaen

yeh mumkin nahi

jis ki ankon ki gehrai mai jeety hein

us ankh, us gehrai ko bhool jaen

yeh mumkin nahi

jis keh khwab se neendain zinda hein

us khwab ko bhool jaen

yeh mumkin nahi

jis ki yaadon mein jee rahe hein

un yaadon ko bhool jaen

yeh mumkin nahi

jiske hone se humara wajood hai

uske hone ko bhool jaen

yeh mumkin nahi

(TRANSLATION:

The breath that gives me life,

To forget that breath,

Is simply impossible.

The smile that soothes my heart,

To forget that smile,

Is simply impossible.

The depth of those eyes where I exist,

To forget those eyes, that depth,

Is simply impossible.

The dreams that kept my sleep alive,

To forget those dreams,

Is simply impossible.

The memories that kept me living,

To forget those memories,

Is simply impossible.

The very being that defines my existence,

To forget that being,

Is simply impossible.

)

I see people in love, breaking up, or getting divorced after years of being together. I see them moving on with their lives. I see them getting their happiness back. I see them enjoying life like nothing has been lost.

And I wonder... Is it so easy? Moving on from a person you once "loved," a person you married against your family's will because "you" couldn't live without them. So, where did it go? The undying love. Does it fade away with time? Or was it never love?

Maybe people don't understand the difference between love and attraction, or even infatuation, or maybe attachment. I don't know. I just—I can't understand their type of "love."

Because from what I know, love cannot be undone. It carves itself into your soul, intertwines with your heart, and makes you lose your mind. There's nothing else left to think about. They become the center of everything and nothing, all at once. Love consumes you, and you are no more yourself.

Or maybe this isn't love, and I've finally lost it...

Flashback

March 2007.

I was sitting with my mother in the principal's office, waiting for them to finish their conversation so I could finally go to my classroom. Today was my first day in Grade 02, and I was going to meet all my old friends and classmates.

I did my kindergarten at a private school because my mother was quite serious about education, and she didn't trust the government schools' education system. Can't really blame her—they got that reputation, after all.

My father, on the other hand, was under financial stress and was unable to pay for a private school. Therefore, I was transferred to a government school in Grade 01.

Changing schools took a great toll on my studies. I was falling behind, and that certainly didn't sit well with my mother. On top of that, I was getting bullied by some seniors too. Obviously, at some point, I told my parents about it, and they somehow managed to send me back to my previous school the next year. That's where I saw him for the first time.

My mother knew the principal from way before, and hence they were busy in their conversation about God knows what—I was just too excited to care. I was finally back! I had missed everything and everyone so much.

I came out of the office with my mother and the principal when I saw him through the glass door of a computer lab. The principal asked one of the helpers to call him out and take us both to our respective classes.

All the classes were empty as everyone was gathered in the ground for the assembly. He was walking on my right side while we both followed the helper. She asked us about our class and sections, and guess what? We were in the same one. He passed me a smile as we ascended the stairs to the first floor where our class was supposed to be.

Introductions were exchanged, and it turned out that I didn't like him very much. He was sort of clingy. He thought I was a newcomer like him! I WASN'T! HOW DARE HE! HMPH!

Alas! We came to the class and found the only empty seats right next to each other—just great! I patiently waited for the bell to ring and was ready to see the familiar faces. I was most excited to meet Farwa—my best friend.

That day was also my first time experiencing disappointment. Did everyone remember me? Of course. Were they as happy and excited to see me? Not so much.

Many new faces had come along as well. All my friends had made new friends, and I was not important anymore. They remembered me, sure, but they had left me behind. Farwa was as nice as always, but she was getting transferred to a different branch in a few days.

Amidst all the unexpected disappointments, someone extended a hand of friendship. He was right there, by my side. Rehman Malik became my friend when I thought I had lost them all. He would always save me a seat. We would share lunch, play together, and soon he became my habit.

End of flashback