Chapter 6: SCARED

Silence.

What am I going to say?

Another silence.

Fairy tales come to life. Imagination comes to reality. Dreams come true, yet not most of the time. Not all the time because it just happens for a fleeting moment, something that will last for a short period and if you get used to it, it will end up after you. I've been waiting for this for months. I like him. I surely do, but what am I doing now? What about this moment of silence? Why can't I say anything? Wake up, RM! I think you're dreaming again.

"RM?"

I ran away. Teardrops fell and I don't know why. I should be happy that Michael loves me, but I'm still scared. I thought I was ready, but I'm not. I'm still afraid to take the risk and I don't want to get hurt again. I like him so much, but it would be better if we're just friends.

I stopped. Why?

I can't do this. Why am I running away from him? He's all I got now, and I don't want to give him up. He's the best person I ever had at this moment. I want to turn around and go back. What will I say? What am I going to do? He just told me he loves me and I did not know how to react. What is he expecting me to say? I decided to close my eyes, turned around, and ran away in the direction where my body will lead me. As I opened my eyes, somebody held my hand and pulled me.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Michael!" I want to ask him why he followed. I want to ask him everything I need to know.

"I'm sorry." He told me.

"Sorry for what?" I asked.

"I don't know. I saw how you reacted, and it's hurting me."

Oh, my! How did I react? What did I do? All I remember is saying nothing and running away from him.

"You look like you're at a loss of orientation. Then I remember something about your confusion. I apologize that it's too early for this. I did not intend to rush. I know we just met months ago, but I can't help it. I knew I felt something when I met you, and I was so sure about it. Please forgive me. I didn't want to tell you ahead of time because I don't want to pressure you. Please don't run away. If you hate it, forget everything I said. Just stay. Please."

I looked at him. Say something, RM! My system's shouting at me. Are they in favor of what was happening now?

"I'm sorry, Michael. I think I need to go home. See you tomorrow, same place. Maybe I'll be in my normal state by then. I promise we'll talk about this tomorrow." I stepped out, not turning back to see his reaction. I gave him the expectation that I'll see him again.

I want to kill myself! I'm doing it again. Why do I keep running from reality? How come I said nothing to him? I like him so much. I am uncertain if I'm in loved, but I felt so bad when I ran away. Why am I so bothered?

I stayed up all night thinking about Michael. I wonder if he was thinking about me, too. There's something beyond my control that made me feel this way. How can I show myself to him tomorrow? What will I do? Why is my system not interfering me when I wanted them to? I thought about what my past is reminding me, but also about what the future might bring. But today is different.

"Do you think it is really happening?" I asked myself.

The whole night is full of pessimism and what ifs. Should I give myself another chance? I am not yet ready. I need a friend and he's the only one I got.

Think, RM. Think.