Chapter 2: MUSIC

I got up... left the building and tried to explore the outside world. I decided I needed some time to contemplate.

Contemplate for what? To ascend? To think? I don't know! What I only know is to think of something which is so good that nothing of it could be better. Perfectionism! Can't I think of something else? I was so hurt that I don't want to think about reality anymore for I believe it is all about failure. It keeps on taunting me. I felt like the shadows of the past and all the bizarre images of the future were following me, telling me to stop what I'm doing. Stop the ideals... stop thinking about something that doesn't exist... stop everything that I know someday will eventually hurt me again.

But I still keep on thinking... about life... about my life... No one really knows the meaning of it. Many theorists and philosophers have argued what it really is, but they can't still figure it out.

Perhaps everybody has his or her concept of life, but all those standpoints are so positive and unrealistic. Damn! Do I have to believe in the unbelievable? It's so ridiculous. Yeah, I know it is one journey I have in life. I know it's a road, a highway, or whatever it is. But duh? Life really sucks! It made me all stupid... from my academics, my extras, my family, my friends, and my love life!!! These just suck!!! It's everything I've never dreamed of. And now? I imagine what my life would be, which made me crazier than I already am. I admit I am not perfect, not a genius, not sporty enough, and not a good lover. I am nothing. I exist with a thousand identities, and I am not who I really am.

I woke up! Am I sleeping, after all? No, I am daydreaming. I realized I'm standing in the middle of an open space but more likely like a meadow or a park. Where am I? From there, I heard something. It is so pleasing to my ears. Music... I followed where it was coming from, and I didn't know why. I am already used to hearing music everywhere, but this one's different. It feels that it has something to do with me.

Stop! I thought my system was dictating to follow its command again. However, this time, that word came from me, not really realizing that it was me. I am already in a wakeful state of focused attention, unaware of my surroundings.

"Uh... Hi... are you okay?"

Did that voice come from my subconscious?

"Hi."

Who are you? Stop meddling with my thoughts!

"Excuse me, but I think you're stepping on my stuff."

I was shocked. There really is a person talking to me at this moment.

"Oh!" I finally came back to reality. "I'm sorry, I was just listening or sort of following something, but I think I just lost it." I looked at him and felt something different as he smiled at me. There is something in his smile that I have felt before, and I don't like what is happening. I didn't want to feel this ever again.

"That's alright. I'll just take your name as a payment." I blushed.

"RM."

"Hi, RM. My name is Michael." He smiled again. "So, what in the world are you doing here?"

"I was just wandering around, following some sort of unknown voices." I sounded baffling.

"Weird, huh?" He said.

"Yeah, I know. How about you?"

"This place is my comfort zone." He uttered, still giving me that killer smile. "I go here every day, enjoying nature, and playing my guitar. It may sound crazy, but this is one of my relaxation processes."

"So, that's the music I heard."

"I think so. Uh... are you going somewhere else? You can stay here if you want."

"Sure." What am I doing? I don't know, but it feels good being with this stranger in a place I am not even familiar with. Why am I enjoying this kind of conversation with him?

I spent all my afternoon with Michael. Talking to him felt like I have known him for so long. It's like I am not talking to a complete stranger. This is like metaphysics. We are connected. Both of us talked about ourselves just like a normal getting-to-each-other stage would do. We talked about music, and I think it's what brought us together here. It's been so long since I have heard anything like that.

Is this a sign? Is it time to let go of the past? Am I going to listen to myself this time?