CHAPTER 2

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

The hours pass. People pass. The days pass. I know this because I can now see the differences in light around me more clearly. I am extremely attentive to everything around me. I can even now recognize the scent of people approaching me. Sounds are clearer too. I understand words, then sentences and honestly, I would have preferred to stay in the dark. The first time I heard the doctor utter the words "vital constants", "vital prognosis" and "paralysis", I didn't want to believe it. I didn't feel concerned and I even felt sorry for the poor kid who was the subject of their discussion. Until I realize the poor kid in question is me. Every day, the medical team comes to see me and tirelessly asks me to give them a sign of life. I scream, I throw my arms, I fidget in all directions and I even widen my eyes. But that only happens in my reality. In their reality, I imagine they can only make out a young girl with brown hair, a pale complexion and closed eyes.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

The morning I heard the doctor talk about "irreversible damage," I decided I had no right to be condemned. Let them imagine getting rid of me so easily, it will allow me to show them who they are dealing with when I wake up! Every day, between two comatose naps, I concentrate with all my strength and take stock of what I see. I notice the differences in light, distant noises, voices, scents that I recognize... then one day, I realize that I feel the cotton of my sheets teasing my fingers. I can't tell if it's morning or afternoon, Monday or Thursday, but still, I feel what tickles the tip of my right index finger. I want to scream with joy, to dance in all directions, to jump in the air but this little improvised party only takes place in my head. Then again this abyss that engulfs me in just a few seconds. Except that today, it is no longer black. I don't know where it comes from, or if it really exists, but I'm convinced that the light seeps discreetly into my mind. And I rejoice ever louder.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

I've never taken my foot so much as at this very moment, feeling the glove of fresh water that the nurse puts on my arm to wash myself. I don't need to concentrate or force myself, I can feel my wet skin and the fresh air passing over me without asking my opinion. Damn, how good does it feel to finally feel such simple stuff! But let's not get carried away, despite all my efforts, my body remains an inert ball. And this observation terrifies me deeply. So I continue to do my unconscious gymnastics. I don't let go. My brain wanders enough already, if I leave my body behind, what will be left of me?

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

Alright guys, this is getting long. I don't mean to sound rude but... I'm clearly pissed off. Guessing which nurse is visiting me takes five minutes, but the days are long. And above all, I don't understand why no one visits me. Damn but where did my parents, my brother and Milan go? I hope nothing happened to them... No, impossible. Anyway, I'm only swimming in the middle of a nightmare. I just need to wake up. I just need to see my brother's jaded little head and Milan's pure eyes. Since I was little, this boy has been my double. He always knows what I'm thinking and I feel everything he feels. He is an integral part of my life and we cannot go a single day without seeing each other. We tried younger. We were five years old when he went on vacation for two weeks with his parents. I cried for 336 hours. I felt like my arm had been ripped off. When he came back, his parents came to meet mine to complain. Apparently, Milan had been unbearable, he was doing everything to spoil this family stay and return as soon as possible. That day, we promised each other that we would never go a single day without each other again. Then we went to play in our tree house. And we kept our promise.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

This morning, I'm in pain. And I'm happy to be in pain, because it means my body is mine again. This paralysis and black hole bullshit will soon be a distant memory, I'm sure. On the other hand, the migraine that beats my brain for very long hours is not a cakewalk either. The rays of light that seep under my eyelids attack me, the burns attacking my skin are driving me crazy, but the worst thing is these damn pains in my arms and the top of my hips. Damn it hurts! In the distance, I hear voices but I suffer too much to be able to understand anything. Fortunately, the medical staff seem determined to take great care of me because I catch the word "analgesic" and a few minutes later, I find my cotton field. However, I can now very clearly see a strong commotion around me. I feel hands on my chest, breaths near my face, noises of paper at the foot of my bed and a light so strong, so intense that it almost makes me regret my black hole.

-She returns !

My eyes flutter, my fingers stretch, and every puff of air I give myself tears at my lungs. I hurt in absolutely every part of my body. I want to scream in pain but a horrible tube in my trachea stops me. Quickly, I panic, I look everywhere around me, I do not distinguish any known face and I choke.

-Don't move Miss, let us do it, everything is fine.

The middle-aged doctor standing to my right seems sure of himself when he says everything is fine. It's obvious that it's not him who is lying on a horrible hospital mattress, in a filthy dress that reveals half of my buttocks with a body that does not obey me and a brain still shot by my little forced sleep session! I look around for the only boy capable of calming me down, but no matter how much I look around me, I don't see him. My heart sinks painfully when I realize that I am totally alone and that I don't even know why.