Of Vikings and Poems

A bead of sweat rolled down Touly's face. It crossed her neck, passing along the curvature on her chest, and finally dropped off her salmon-colored nipple. It was the first of many, a product of her hard work.

Forward, backward, forward, backward. She was still in the Longship, thankfully sitting this time, and holding a big oar in hand.

The "merchants" decided to put her to work to earn her keep, and Touly had been rowing nonstop ever since. Min was paddling next to her too. She was also sweating up a storm and blushing. Unlike the stoic knight, however, she hadn't shut her mouth at all.

"…and then we ran out of there before the Abbess turned us into the jesters of the whole congregation!"

"Ahahaha, classic!" The beautiful "totally-not-a-Viking" blonde merchant slapped her knee, enjoying Min's tale of mortifying misfortune. How her companion managed to tell it without dying of shame was a mystery to Touly. She cringed many times just hearing her recount the events.

"The Saga of Touly the Knave and Min the Naked... I think I'll tell it to everyone I know when I go back home to the Cold South."

"Err, don't you mean north?"

"No."

"Weird."

"Gotta work on the ending, though. There is nothing interesting about getting away safe and sound. How'd you like it if I say that the Abbess captured you and forced you to keep practicing for the Festival of Humility?"

Min´s lips twisted uneasily into something resembling a smile. "That sounds awful! Please don't make the story more embarrassing than it is! Speaking of, what the hell is that festival about? Do those jerks pick people at random to bully?"

"It´s not that *huff* simple, but kind of," Touly explained, catching her breath in-between paddling. "The festival pays tribute to how Risias pranked the other spirits to cheer up the Sisters after the Disaster of the Burning Skies."

"Well, that´s not an excuse for what they did! It´s not like this Risias spirit stripped her peers and threw pies to their faces!"

"Actually, she did. Don´t you remember the Poem of Risias?"

"Touly, you should know me enough by now to know that I have never even heard of that poem before."

Touly grumbled. "Fine, then I´ll tell you of the poem…"

------

It was the darkest of days. The sun still refused to rise as nature itself paid tribute to the Sisters' sorrow.

In most gloomy of mountains did the Sisters reside, seeking comfort in the warm Earth. Tears flowed never-ending, shaping the land as they flowed towards the ever-rising ocean.

The remaining men cried out in fear and hunger, their crops withering and their livestock dying. The Spiritual Court did take pity on the world, and endeavored to soothe the Sisters´ sorrow.

They found the Eldest Sister at the foot of the biggest mountain in the world. Thenia the Wise tried to reason the sorrow away, explaining that it was not the sister´s fault that calamity happened, yet her words failed to stop the tears.

Viria the Wild reminded the Sister of the lush plains that once stretched towards the horizon, urging her to look at the world and return it´s beauty. But the Sister didn´t care, why should the world be in harmony when her heart was in shambles?

Pachi the Compassionate showed the Sister the sorrow of men to try and elicit pity. The tears flew stronger than ever before.

Risia the Wily tried a different approach. When it was her turn to talk to the Sister, she shed her clothes like a snake sheds her skin. Her chest was bountiful like the spring´s harvest, her behind firm and juicy like the bottom of a freshly picked apple…

---

"Was that a description of a spirit´s ass in the poem? Really?"

"It´s vital for the plot. Now shup and keep listening."

---

Yet, even this beautiful sight was not enough to stem the tide of tears. Asking Tambo the Melodious for one of his famous songs, Risia danced in front of the Eldest Sister at the rhythm of his drums.

Wily Risia swung her hips, throwing her feet wildly, her bountiful chest shaking like the tail of a rattlesnake. It was a wilder sight than even Wild Viria had ever gazed upon. She could scarcely stop herself from hollering like a wolf, and even Unflinching Thenia cracked a smile.

All the spirits in the court began to clap along, bringing such cheer than even the Sister felt like joining in, her eyes dry as the sun. Crafty Risia had managed to calm her down.

With the first sister calmed, the group ventured deep into the mountain to find the rest. Walking into a forgotten cavern, they met the Middle Sister, and when she asked how they managed to make her elder stop crying, Wily Risia replied:

"A dog walks into a tavern and says: I can´t see a thing, I´ll open this one."

---

Touly snorted, barely containing her laughter. She wiped a tear from her eyes. "Heh, sorry. I knew it was coming but it still gets me every time."

"That was a joke?" A perplexed Min replied. "I… I don´t get it."

"What? How could you not? That´s the cleverest world play in recorded history."

"Right… I guess something got lost in translation."

---

The Middle Sister laughed for nine minutes and nine seconds, her tears now falling out of joy. She joined the group and ventured forward to try to convince the youngest sister.

The Youngest floated in a sea of her own tears in the center of the world. Neither Risia´s cleverest jokes nor her wildest dance could shake her out of her shock. Her Sister´s words likewise fell on deaf ears.

The group decided to make council and discuss how to handle the situation. Wild Wilia tried to take seat in one of the many stalagmites poking out of the Sea of Tears. She failed to notice the jagged edges of the rock, and did howl when they poked at her behind.

Wily Risia noticed something interesting. For the briefest of moments, the youngest Sister stopped pouting while Angry Wilia screamed obscenities. That was the key to locking her away her sorrow.

Wily Risia peeled a lizard from the cavern´s wall and let it slip underneath Compassionate Pachi´s gown. The spirit did dance and squirm as the animal traveled the length of her skin. The little Sister lifted her head, staring at the ridiculous sight.

Next, Crafty Risia offered Wild Wilia a cake she had brought in hopes of enticing Sisters. As Wild Wilia approached for a bite, Crafty Risia pressed the cake onto her face, smearing her in most delicious of creams. The little´s Sister´s lips puckered, smirking at the spirit´s misfortune.

Wise Thenia realized Crafty Risia´s mischief, and went to scold her. But Crafty Risia did grab the straps of Wise Thenia golden dress and doth pulled it down, yanking it away from her feet. Unflinching Thenia did flinch. Her cheeks turning the color of the sunrise.

Naked Thenia tried to get back her skirt, but Willy Risia threw it back at Wild Wilia, who threw it back whenever Naked Thenia got closer. The erstwhile dignified spirit screamed like a wild goat, pouting like a misbehaved child.

And so she earned the laughter of no one else but the Little Sister. The tears stopped flowing and the lake shone in the presence of the Sister´s radiant smile. Even angry Thenia couldn´t stay mad in the presence of such beauty.

And so, thanks to Clever Risia´s quick thinking and wily schemes, the Sister´s left the bowels of the Earth to tend to the world once more. The sun rose over the horizon as it had done for millennia.

---

"So, as you can probably guess, most of the pranks came from the poem itself," Touly continued. "In the festival, three members of the congregation are randomly selected to represent the Sisters and the rest of the flock spends the following days pranking each other to make them laugh like Wily Risia did the Sisters."

"Maybe my sense of humor is a tad too refined, but none of that sounds funny."

"Well, everyone´s drunk out of their minds, so that goes a long way to make it funny. Most also participate half-naked as to not ruin their clothes."

"I think a better way to pay homage to the spirit of laughter would be to have a stand-up comedy night…"

"What is stand-up comedy? Is it like a jester routine?"

"Well, I think that sounds like a grand old time!" the "merchant" leader chimed in, taking a swig of ale. "Maybe I ought to spread the gospel of this Risias spirit when I get home."

"It´s really not that funny. I can´t stress this enough," Min replied.

"Maybe I ough to have followed you girls to the Cathedral to judge that for myself. I would give away my boat to see our valorous knight here squirm her little ass in front of the Abbess." The merchant playfully slapped Touly´s back, who opted to just glare at her in return.

"You know, between that comment, the forced labor, and the figurehead thing ...it kind of sounds like you don´t like her Order very much," Min deduced as she kept rowing the boat.

"Of course not! She is a Viking! Our sworn enemy!" Touly yelled.

"She isn´t a Viking!" Min replied. "She is just a... very peculiar merchant, right?"

The "merchant" shrugged. "By definition, a Viking is a raider, and I haven´t raided squat since you met me, so I´m technically not a Viking... for the moment."

Min gasped, letting the oar go from her hand. "But, that means you were a Viking! What´s with the horned helmet then? I thought those were a myth because they are too impractical to use in battle!"

"They use horned helmets because we use horned helmets!" Touly said. "The Order of the Withering Rose has kept their kind from ransacking the East Coast for centuries! We strike such fear into their hearts that they copied our uniform to try and intimidate their other foes as well."

"Ehh," the Viking merchant shrugged. "That´s only a half-truth. The Order does indeed put up a good fight, so their helmets are valued highly as trophies. But, as their supply is lower than their demand, bootleg horned helmets started to appear in the market, and, well, the trend exploded from there."

"Ok, but why does your Order use horned helmets then? Aren´t they super impractical? Don´t they mess with your balance and let your opponent grab you mid-fight?"

"Yes, that´s the point. Same reason we use short capes. Centuries ago, our founder, the Withering Rose herself, tried to join one of the other Knight Orders but was told she could not become a knight because women were too weak to fight. So, she set out to prove everyone wrong in the King´s Tourney, where anyone, from commoners to nobles, could enter.

"As a handicap, she put on a ceremonial horned helmet and wore a short cape to prove that she could win even with all the odds stacked against her. She made such a strong impression on the gallery that the King financed the foundation of her own Knight Order. The rest is history."

"Huh. Didn´t know that," the Viking said. "Sadly, it´s time to cut the history lesson short. We reached your stop. Have fun girls!"