I did it.
Repost, since previous review was censored. Didn’t include any swears, so I just censored everything pg13.
Thanks site. Very cool.
Apparently that wasn’t enough. Try two. (Tried two more times after this before I finally came up with a quick fix. If you ever have problems with reviews getting censored, save yourself some trouble by posting chunks of the review on other stories until you find the chunk that's censored. As far as I’m aware, swears and sentences that seem malicious are censored. The site also seems to censor the names of other sites and apps. An example is a certain app that starts with a p and ends with atreon. Honestly just avoid those words altogether, instead of uses accented words or spaces or something. Use an alternative account or log out to see if the review is censored or not by the way. Even if it gets censored, it’ll still be visible to you and the author. Now the only thing I have to be scared of is getting reported for spamming and deleting reviews)
It’s okay.
As of now I can’t say there’s anything special about it. There’s nothing bad about it either though. Only thing is that MC has trauma, but even that is poorly shown, if at all. The extent of it is MC just explaining why he won’t kill people. No flashbacks, no emotional moments, nada.
Ignore my star rating, I changed them in an attempt to get this site's censorship off my rear. In actuality I would rate it 3.9
It’s too early to make any real calls, so I’ll just go over what's available. This review is also limited by my lack of professional knowledge, attitude, and skill. Take this with a grain of salt, or multiple.
The grammar is okay. Nothing special, but not bad. A lot of times there are sentences that don’t fully make sense, but never google translate quality bad. Maybe just run it through a tool or something.
The story is also okay as of now. It’s not horrible, but it’s not great either. The flow is not wonderful at times, and struggles to keep tension. This is particularly obvious when the author, for whatever reason, decides to kill the atmosphere using peepee jokes. Author also adds a ton of references, and seems to struggle with show not tell. The MC also constantly goes on expositions about his actions. When he mentioned how he uses the spheres of his feet and whatnot to run silently, he doesn't just mention it in passing, but rather goes down a small rabbit hole because of it. It’s not bad, but in some cases it’s pretty odd. An example would be in a fight. In the first fight he’s constantly explaining, even though you really don’t have the time to think in a fight. At least I don’t think you do, but I’ve never been in one.
The characters are limited by how little chapters are out as of yet, but they seem okay. The villains are all your typical 2D ones so far, and all the other characters haven’t been explored yet.
The world background is also really limited by the lack of chapters. The biggest thing we know is that there’s a bunch of cash items, aka cheat items that exist in the game, one of which the MC is trying to get, because of course he is.
Something odd is that he also compares a knight in this magical world, to a US colonel in terms of physical capabilities. That doesn’t even make sense. Colonels aren’t colonels because of their strength. It’s like the authors pretending that you can get inhumane power in the real world. Obviously you can’t. He also mentions that US special forces are trained in blades, including katanas. I can guarantee no military in the world would give katanas to their soldiers. Not only is it a waste, but swords are not nearly as good as fiction and popular culture makes them out to be. Swords were rarely used in the past, since they couldn’t affect those in armour like axes or hammers, and they lacked reach like polearms. Don’t get me wrong, if this was about the magical world I wouldn’t think twice. However this dudes talking about real life. In real life, swords have always been more bark than bite. Next pet peeve, he talks about how he as a US special forces soldier is trained in morals to protect innocents. I’m pretty sure that’s not the case at all. Pretty sure they actually try to dehumanise soldiers, so that they are capable of murder. A soldier who cannot kill is not a soldier. At least not an effective one. Keep in mind this is when he’s talking about saving a g i rl. He won’t save that little girl who’s about to get killed because it’s a little girl who’s about to get killed. Only cuz of his super special training. What makes this even worse is that he mentions that he’s taken several innocent lives in w a r, in an earlier chapter. So what he’s saying isn’t even true it seems. Well, apparent;y he took several innocent lives “in the name of justice,” so I guess it’s all good. Sorry guys, false alarm. Americans can’t commit war crimes, cuz everything they do is for justice. Something else that rubs me the wrong way, he complains about getting reincarnated but then goes “welp, nothing I can do about it.” If you’re so upset about living, just off yourself. Gives me “woe is me” vibes.
This is the end of the overall review. Next part is me reviewing the story in detail, starting with chapter 2.
Anyway, let’s nitpick the first battle. Keep in mind, as of now the MC is a child and has several injuries. These knights have armour, crossbows, and swords. First he runs away. For some reason he has the time to think about when he got k wicked out of the army and how he was going to assassinate his superiors. Like, what? I’m pretty sure getting kicked out of the army is no easy feat. You would have had to mess up badly, and that’s not even mentioning he was s pecial forces, therefore worth more than the average soldier.
After he runs for 15 minutes, he manages to get 150 metres away, and MC is amazed by this child’s body. Being able to run a whole 15 metres in 15 minutes. Truly a remarkable and supernatural feat. And not only did MC manage to track the distance he ran, he also converted it to metric. I’m amazed too.
Enter villain 1. Kicks Mc with a “rock shattering kick,” and as b l o o d comes from his mouth he notes he’s done for. This is a recurring motif by the way, where the MC goes “Oh, I’m d e a d,” but he actually isn’t. This is also when he notes that the dudes probably as strong, if not greater than a US colonel. I guess that medical money really does go somewhere. The villain is your typical overconfident, arrogant villain who also likely received training(since he’s part of an exterminating force) but isn’t competent anyway.
Mr Knight notes that the MC has a strong body, as expected of one of the W hitedeer tribe. He also killed the parents of the MC, so he ain’t weak. Unless MC’s parents are.
Anyway,
Mr Knight mocks MC, and the latters body auto-reacts due to the previous owner’s memory. While that’s all well and good, apparently MC over here has a supercomputer brain, capable of analysing the situation before anything else happens. Because that’s pretty much what happens. Mr Knight s wings vertically, which the MC manages to dodge by instantly backing up. Physics is weeping. Now I’ve never been in a fight, but something tells me it’s better to dodge to the side for a vertical swing. Just me though. Anyway MC avoids a couple more strikes, including a blade of mana, before he falls on the ground with Mr Knight about to unleash yet another vertical swing. Oh no. How will he survive .-.
Well, MC instantly acquires a fistful of dust, makes a weird spiderman impression, and stuffs it in the knight's face. Let’s ignore how he managed to reach Mr Knight's face from the ground as a young child, and instead focus on what follows. Mr Knight instantly flinches and covers his eyes, since that’s how it works. Because inertia is a false concept created by the government for no real reason since I’m making this up, Mr Knight can instantly stop and even reverse his falling sword and back himself up. His eyes that he covers are also behind a helmet. I guess his eyes are sensitive or something, considering not a lot of dust must have made it past that helmet.
When Mr Knight reels from the dust, MC notices a root around Mr Knight’s leg and pulls it. Apparently the body of this… 11 year old or so? Let’s go with that. Apparently the body of this 1 year old kid is strong enough to trip a (physically) mature knight with armour that is likely not light. With a flimsy root. Now I know that the bigger they are, the harder they fall, but c'mon. Physics is now full on crying, writing its will.
Anyway next the MC s tabs Mr Knights spheres, and Mr Knight shouts out “AAAAAAGGGG MY BALLS!” Honestly, the fight was fine until about here. This is the only reason I’m nitpicking so much. Don’t get me wrong, sphere stabbing is certainly possible, but it just feels like this story isn’t taking itself seriously. It just kills all the tension. It makes the story boring.
From here on, everything goes uphill for the MC, downhill for tension, and Physics is literally going to disappear like a cryptid.
MC completely overwhelms the knight, and even manages to break the knight’s trained, exercised, armoured arm. Like, what? You serious?(s pooderman referendum ahahahahaahhahah) A dying camel is still bigger than a horse. Same thing with adults and children. Even more so with a very strong and trained knight capable of magic, and a heavily hurt and dying child. It’s not a matter of “Oh the MC used to be Special Forces.” A child just can’t do that, mature mind or not, to an adult. What’s even worse is that the MC soon knocks down the Knight and gets on his neck and starts pounding his helmet with a rock. And Mr Knight can’t reach him! What??? How does that even make sense? Adults don’t exactly have short arms. Not to mention why isn’t he getting up?
Anyway, MC decides not to end Mr Knight. Why? BECAUSE HE WON’T KILL ANYONE WHO’S NOT HIS ENEMY IN THIS LIFE. What? You a smooth brain or something? Dropped on your head as a child? I so desperately want to unleash my vile tongue, but I can’t since the site would just hide this review(it did it anyway, twice(four times)). Thanks site. Very cool. In all seriousness though, this line doesn’t make any sense. I get that the dude doesn’t want to kill since trauma and all that, but at least make it believable! Give him a flashback and scared reaction or something. Don’t just give such an unbelievable excuse. He also justifies it by saying that the knight isn’t “his” enemy, but the enemy of the previous owner of the body. Again, not even believable. Did he attack the previous owner, or you? Just because person A’s body is magically taken over by person B, does not mean that person B is free of person A’s chains in life. Taking up the mask of someone means taking their burdens, and it will come with consequences, whether you like it or not.
For some reason the knight completely forgets about all pain and starts telling MC to kill him. What? He just got his balls cut off. He just got his arm broken. He just got his face beat in with a rock. Yet it’s like that never happened. Same thing with MC by the way.
Soon Mr Knight starts saying certain things to MC, saying he’ll hunt future MC and future MC’s loved ones. MC shrugs this off without a care, because of course he does.
Final nail in the coffin, Mr Knights name is (censored, figure it out yourself.) Not even going to talk about that.
No tension at all. No consequences at all. MC could lose an arm, and the story would just forget about it three sentences later.
I don’t feel like going in extreme detail about the rest of the story, so I’ll just briefly skim through a couple more chapters.
So he saves the villainess, who’s been kidnapped by a bunch of typical villains that are just as incompetent, if not more, than the first one. More spherebusting because of course, MC acts annoying by pretending he didn’t just grievously wound someone and asks if they can let him go whilst making a “cute face.” This part isn’t even funny. It’s just annoying. You’re a former soldier and you expect them to let you go? Smh.
More references, blah blah blah.
After they’re all basically killed, but not really cuz trauma, he finds the villainess trying to beat the head in of one of her kidnappers with a rock. What happens next really rubs me the wrong way, and makes me wish the MC really did off himself.
He immediately ignores he cut off their spheres, poisoned them with a almost if not entirely lethal poison, and he has the gall to compare her doing it to him doing it to Mr Knight, and says that she’s just a spoiled girl with nothing but empty pride, and that he’s justified in beating Mr Knight because he killed MCs parents, but not the villainess girl.
Dude. What a…
There’s so many things wrong with this.
First. They’re already at death's door, and it’s your fault. What she’s doing is nothing compared to what you did.
Second. I thought they weren’t your parents. I thought that your predecessor isn’t you. Stick to a story.
Third. She’s a child. A child who knew that if nobody came, she would have been killed. Have her neck and head separated. Defiled after death. You’re a soldier. An adult.
Are children not allowed to be scared? To be angry? To have feelings?
He’s even protecting the criminals and ignoring the victim. The criminals that he’s brought to the brink of death, mind you.
Come on.
Later he even snaps at her. Why? Because she has no right to be upset. Why? Because she’s a spoiled brat who's never experienced the hardships, compared to him whose parents were killed in front of him. Compared to him who left the killer alive. Compared to his who’s so special.
This dudes rubbing me the wrong way on so many levels.
They weren’t your parents. It’s your fault that you left the killer alive. It’s your fault that you decided to obey your orders and killed innocents as an American soldier. The excuse of “I was just obeying orders” is not a valid one. The excuse of “It was for justice” is not a real one. Whether it was accidental or not changes little. Manslaughter is still a crime. In case you didn’t know, manslaughter is killing someone, but without malice. Basically an accident, like if you run over someone. It’s not m urder, which is intentional, but it’s still a crime.
This might be the author showing the MC’s trauma, but why now? Besides, isn’t his trauma due to killing innocents? The girl he’s shouting at is one of those very innocents.
This might be the author's predecessor speaking, but the MC has proven multiple times he’s very much capable of getting it under control instantly. He never apologises either.
Turns out the villainess girl has a sob story by the way. One that actually belongs to her. The MC doesn’t seem to particularly care.
Skip forward a bit, and MC gets a system. Why? Well, there happens to be this super powerful artifact that the MC was looking for. So powerful that while it’s listed as the highest ranking, it’s actually off the charts. Oh no, he can’t find it though. Guess who does. Villainess lady. Of course. He gets it when he’s basically killed, and comes back to life and quickly kills the thing that “kills” him.
Oh wait, he has that weird creed against killing, so villainess lady is the one who actually does it after he drops out of exhaustion or something. And it’s said this story doesn't have plot armour.
That system also is controlled by a narcissistic lady gem thing, and there’s a hot maid who is seemingly also reincarnated, because why not.
Speaking of exhaustion, I’m exhausted of writing this review. This site basically censored all the reviews that I’ve made so far, which is two.
I’ll just add that I dislike when my effort goes nowhere for some trivial reason.
I’m stopping at chapter 14. There’s still more chapters, up to 22, but I really don’t feel like reading them for the sake of a review that may never even see the light of day.
Maybe this story isn’t supposed to be serious at all and I’ve just been baited or something, but I guess my advice to the author is to have the story be more serious where it’s supposed to be serious. Comedy is a big part of literature, but it doesn't have to be everywhere. Tone back the references as well. Maybe it’s too late for change, but oh well.
I know that I ragged on the MC, something I wish I could do to this site, but it’s not as bad as I make it out to be. The problem is gonna be if he stays like this though. I can accept it, but only if it’s for future character development. I do not wish to read a story starring a hypocrite who can’t stick to a story.
Also show not tell.
If the MC is supposed to be a traumatised soldier, show me that he’s one. Don’t just have him talk and talk about how he won’t kill anyone who’s not his enemy, how he’s going to change and whatnot. SHow me that he’s traumatised. Give a real, tangible mental block. Don’t just make the MC act all cool and leave the other dude alive, implying he’s the bigger person. Don’t make the MC go like “Hmm, should I kill you? Nah, I don’t think I will” as if it’s an afterthought. Trauma isn’t cool. Trauma is ugly. I don’t even care if the MC broke down just before killing someone, tears and snot on his face, running away aimlessly, because it would still be more real than just brushing it off.
I’m gonna be honest. I have high hopes for this type of story, the whole reincarnated into an otome game type thing. I’m interested in a MC who’s incapable of doing something since he’s traumatised. But if you’re just going to show that trauma by the MC simply saying “No, I won’t do this” and put it on the back burners, or if the story’s going to follow all the other ones where the mob protag becomes a popular op “not like other guys” harem king, I can’t say that I’m interested.
The thing is that it seems to already be going that way. The system jewel is highly reminiscent of Luxon from The World of Otome Games is hard for Mobs, for example. It also just seems to have a similar start to a lot of these otome game novels. I’m almost willing to bet that it’ll go the same way as all of them seemingly do, where the MC is a mob but ends up being one of the most well known yet controversial characters or something.
In any case, good luck on your story.
