A Bear Punched Me and I Fought Back

Frank smashed back onto the forest floor, groaning in pain.

A bear cub stood over him, brandishing paws that were covered by boxing gloves. "Glrrlrl!" the bear growled. It wound up another punch, then sent it flying toward Frank's face again!

Frank rolled to the left and the bear cub missed, falling awkwardly to the ground.

"Oh no, Teddywumpus!" came a high-pitched voice from nearby.

Frank staggered to his feet, a hand pressed to his bleeding nose. That bear punch had really hurt. He took quick stock of his surroundings.

He stood in the middle of a forest full of the tallest trees he'd ever seen. Their emerald leaves formed a canopy hundreds of feet in the air, letting green sunlight filter through. Down below, twigs and rocks and dead leaves littered the ground. There was nothing of interest in the area except for the bear cub with boxing gloves...

...and what appeared to be a small boy holding a whip and dressed in a denim jumpsuit.

"What the hell is going on?" Frank asked, staring at the bear cub who was still rolling awkwardly on the ground.

The small boy jumped up and down anxiously, pointing his whip at Frank. "Kill him!" he screamed. "Kill the hobo, Teddywumpus!"

The bear cub finally got up off the forest floor. "Mglorb," it growled. It raised its paws in front of its face and started walking awkwardly toward Frank again.

Of course, the first thought that came to Frank's mind was, 'Where's the bear's mother?' But there was no sign of an actual adult bear in the area. It seemed pretty obvious this bear cub was a pet of some kind to the jumpsuited kid. When the bear charged for another attack, Frank just put his foot out and stopped the bear in its tracks.

"Mreobm," the bear whined desperately. It swung its stubby little arms, but it was pointless. Now that Frank wasn't lying helpless on the ground, the bear cub was simply no match for him.

Frank glared at the kid. "If you try to hit me with that whip, I'll give you the worst whipping of your life. Explain yourself, you little brat. Do your parents know you're in the middle of the woods, telling your pet bear to beat up homeless people?"

The boy wrinkled up his face in disgust. "Silence, unemployed! Your stupid clothes make it obvious that you're a stranger, but that also makes it obvious you're nothing but a hobo! You got no rights in this town. Teddywumpus is gonna kill you for experience points and then I'm gonna get money from your bounty."

"Damn you, dragon," Frank muttered to himself. "This home of yours is absolutely insane." Then he looked back at the boy. "Alright, here's the deal. You're going to stop yelling at this poor baby bear to kill me. Then you're going to explain what I need to know in this new place. You're right, I'm a stranger. And you're even right that I don't have a job. My boss just fired me a few days ago, actually. But I'm gonna get a job in this new place, and you're going to help me."

"Yeah?" the boy asked with a sneer. "And why would I do that?"

"Because otherwise I'm going to beat you up in self-defense and then report you to the cops or town guards or whatever you have around here, and they'll tell your parents."

The boy stared at Frank for a minute, thinking about this offer.

Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a rock carved in the shape of a bear.

"Wait..." Frank began.

"Teddywumpus! Turbo Evolution!" the boy screamed.

And then the bear's tiny growls deepened, its eyes bulged and shone with red light, and it grew ten feet tall in the space of three seconds.

"F***," said Frank.