How to Resuscitate a Dying Conversation

Even a well-intentioned husband who might ask his wife while

making love, "Is it good for you, too, Honey?" knows not to ask

a colleague, "Is the conversation good for you, too?" Yet he wonders . . . we all do. With the following technique, set your mind

at rest. You can definitely make the conversation hot for anyone

with whom you speak. Like my prom date, Donnie, you will

miraculously find subjects to engross your listeners.

Be a Sleuth on Their Slips of the Tongue

No matter how elusive the clue, Sherlock Holmes is confident he'll

soon be staring right at it through his magnifying glass. Like

the unerring detective, big winners know, no matter how elusive

the clue, they'll find the right topic. How? They become word

detectives.

I have a young friend, Nancy, who works in a nursing home.

Nancy cares deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about

how crotchety and laconic some of her patients are. She laments

she has difficulty relating to them.

Nancy told me about one especially cantankerous old woman

named Mrs. Otis, whom she could never get to open up to her.

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How to Resuscitate a

Dying Conversation

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"One day," Nancy confided, "right after all those rainstorms we

had last week, just to make conversation, I remarked to Mrs. Otis,

'Terrible storms we had last week, don't you think?' Well," Nancy

continued, "Mrs. Otis practically jumped down my throat. She

said in a snippy voice, 'It's been good for the plants.' " I asked

Nancy how she responded to that.

"What could I say?" Nancy answered. "The woman was obviously cutting me off."

"Did you ever think to ask Mrs. Otis if she liked plants?"

"Plants?" Nancy asked.

"Well, yes," I suggested. "Mrs. Otis brought the subject up."

I asked Nancy to do me a favor. "Ask her," I begged. Nancy resisted, but I persisted. Just to quiet me down, Nancy promised to

ask "cantankerous old Mrs. Otis" if she liked plants.

The next day, a flabbergasted Nancy called me from work.

"Leil, how did you know? Not only did Mrs. Otis love plants, but

she told me she'd been married to a gardener. Today I had a different problem with Mrs. Otis. I couldn't shut her up! She went

on and on about her garden, her husband. . . ."

Top communicators know ideas don't come out of nowhere.

If Mrs. Otis thought to bring up plants, then she must have some

relationship with them. Furthermore, by mentioning the word, it

meant subconsciously she wanted to talk about plants.

Suppose, for example, instead of responding to Nancy's comment about the rain with "It's good for the plants," Mrs. Otis had

said, "Because of the rain, my dog couldn't go out." Nancy could

then ask about her dog. Or suppose she grumbled, "It's bad for my

arthritis." Can you guess what old Mrs. Otis wants to talk about

now?

When talking with anyone, keep your ears open and, like a

good detective, listen for clues. Be on the lookout for any unusual

references: any anomaly, deviation, digression, or invocation of

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another place, time, person. Ask about it because it's the clue to

what your conversation partner would really enjoy discussing.

If two people have something in common, when the shared

interest comes up, they jump on it naturally. For example, if someone mentions playing squash (bird-watching or stamp collecting)

and the listener shares that passion, he or she pipes up, "Oh, you're

a squasher (or birder or philatelist), too!"

Here's the trick: there's no need to be a squasher, birder, or

philatelist to pipe up with enthusiasm. You can simply "Be a Word

Detective." When you pick up on the reference as though it excites

you, too, it parlays you into conversation the stranger thrills to.

(The subject may put your feet to sleep, but that's another story.)