How to Make Them Feel You Empathize (Without Just Saying “Yep, Uh Huh, Yeah”)

While listening to someone talk, we often vocalize "uh huh" or

purr throaty little "umm" sounds to reassure the speaker we have

heard their words. In fact, with some it's such a habit, the noises

escape their throats unconsciously. My friend Phil is a consummate, constant, and incontinent "ummer" whenever I'm talking.

Occasionally, if I'm feeling contentious after he's given one of his

agreeable "umms" in response to something I've said, I challenge

him with, "OK, Phil, what did I say?"

"Uh, well, gosh . . ." Phil has no idea. It's not his fault. He's

male. Men are especially guilty of the not-really-listening umm

habit. Once, when I was on a monologue about nothing in particular, Phil was on a real umm roll. To test his listening skills, I

slipped in, "Yes, this afternoon I think I'll go out and get tattooed

all over my body."

Phil nodded his habitual "uh huh."

Well, umming is better than a blank stare. However, it's not

the choice of top communicators. Try replacing your umms with

full-blown empathizers.

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How to Make Them

Feel You Empathize

(Without Just Saying

"Yep, Uh Huh, Yeah")

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What Are Empathizers?

Empathizers are simple, short, supportive statements. Unlike "uh

huh," they are complete sentences such as "I can appreciate you

decided to do that," or "That really is exciting." Empathizers can

be one-sentence positive critiques like "Yes, that was the honorable thing to do," or "It's charming you felt that way."

When you respond with complete sentences instead of the

usual grunts, not only do you come across as more articulate, but

your listener feels that you really understand.

Of course, you pay a price. To use the right empathizers, you

do need to listen.

Now let's fine-tune this technique and explore advanced

empathizing.

How to Make Them Feel You Empathize 187

Technique #47

Employ Empathizers

Don't be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete

sentences to show your understanding. Dust your

dialogue with phrases like "I see what you mean."

Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like "That's a

lovely thing to say." Your empathy impresses your

listeners and encourages them