How to Create a Friendly “Private Joke” with Them

Lovers whisper phrases in each others' ears that mean nothing to

anyone but themselves. Friends crack up over a few words that

sound like gobbledygook to anyone overhearing them. Close business associates chuckle about shared experiences.

One company I've worked with has seen reengineering,

empowerment, TQM, and team building come and go in one

decade. At company parties, the employees never fail to crack up

over the time when the whole company—managers to mail-room

clerks—scrambled up a twenty-nine-foot pole together all in the

name of team building. The CEO slipped down the pole and

broke his big toe. At the next weekly meeting, the CEO shook his

crutch and caustically announced, "No more team exercises!"

Thus, the death of team building—and the birth of a private joke.

Out of shared experiences like this, a company culture grows.

These employees have a history and a language to go with it. To

this day, whenever they want to put an abrupt end to any idea,

they say, "Let's shake a crutch at it" or "Let's slide that one down

the flagpole." They all smile. Nobody knows what they mean

except fellow employees.

The playwright Neil Simon, sometimes with a single word,

can make an entire Broadway audience understand two perform195

How to Create a

Friendly "Private Joke"

with Them

✰50

05 (171-198B) part five 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 195

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.

196 How to Talk to Anyone

ers onstage are either married or longtime friends. The actor simply says something to the actress that makes no sense to the audience. Then both of them laugh uproariously. Everybody gets the

message: these two people are an item.

Every time my friend Daryl and I meet, we don't say "Hello."

We say "Quack." Why? We met at a party five years ago and, in

our first conversation, Daryl told me he grew up on a duck farm.

When I told him I'd never seen a duck farm, he performed the

best human imitation of a duck I'd ever seen. He flipped his head

side to side looking at me first out of one eye, then the other, all

the while flapping his arms and quacking. I got such a laugh out

of his performance that it inspired him to do a full flat-footed duck

waddle for me. It was contagious. Together we waddled around

the room flapping and quacking. We made absolute fools of ourselves that evening.

The next day, my phone rang. I picked up the receiver to hear,

not "Hello, this is Daryl," but simply, "Quack." I'm sure that's

Technique #50

Instant History

When you meet a stranger you'd like to make less a

stranger, search for some special moment you shared

during your first encounter. Then find a few words that

reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings

the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have

a history together, an Instant History.

With anyone you'd like to make part of your

personal or professional future, look for special

moments together. Then make them a refrain.

05 (171-198B) part five 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 196

what started our friendship. To this day, every time I hear his

"Quack" on the phone, it floods me with happy, if a tad embarrassing, memories. It recalls our history and renews our friendship

no matter how long it's been since we last quacked at each other.

Now What's Left?

Chemistry, charisma, and confidence are three characteristics

shared by big winners in all walks of life. Part One helped us make

a dynamic, confident, and charismatic first impression with body

language. In Part Two, we put smooth small-talk lyrics to our body

ballet. Then in Part Three, we seized hints from the big boys and

big girls so we're contenders for life's big league. Part Four rescued

us from being tongue-tied with folks with whom we have very little in common. And in Part Five, we learned techniques to create

instant chemistry, instant intimacy, instant rapport.

What's left? You guessed it—making people feel really good

about themselves. But compliments are a dangerous weapon in

today's world. One mishandling and you can butcher the relationship. Let us now explore the power of praise, the folly of flattery, and how you can use these potent tools effectively