How to Be a “YouFirstie” to Gain Their Respect and Affection

"SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . " Two-bit comics have

been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a

foursquare meal. However, big winners know there's a three-letter

word more potent then SEX to get people's attention. That word

is YOU.

Why is you such a powerful word? Because when we were

infants, we thought we were the center of the universe. Nothing

mattered but ME, MYSELF, and I. The rest of the shadowy forms

stirring about us (which we later learned were other people) existed

solely for what they could do for us. Self-centered little tykes that

we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word, into,

"How does that affect ME?"

Big winners know we haven't changed a bit. Adults camouflage

their self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness.

Yet the human brain still immediately, instinctively, and unfailingly

translates everything into terms of "How does that affect ME?"

For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague,

Jill, if she would like to join you for dinner. So you say to her,

"There's a really good new Indian restaurant in town. Will you

join me there for dinner tonight?"

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Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, "By 'good' does

he mean the food or the atmosphere or both?" Her reverie continues, "Indian cuisine, I'm not sure. He says it's good. However,

will I like it?" While thinking, Jill hesitates. You probably take her

hesitation personally, and the joy of the exchange diminishes.

Suppose, instead, you had said to her, "Jill, you will really love

this new Indian restaurant. Will you join me there this evening

for dinner?" Phrasing it that way, you've already subliminally

answered Jill's questions and she's more apt to give you a quick

"yes."

The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Psychologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that

which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful.

For many people, thinking is painful.

So big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by,

sell to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them.

They translate everything into the other person's terms by starting

as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter

word, you. Thus, I call the technique "Comm-YOU-nication."

Comm-YOU-nicate When You

Want a Favor

Putting you first gets a much better response, especially when

you're asking a favor, because it pushes the asker's pride button.

Suppose you want to take a long weekend. You decide to ask your

boss if you can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or

she is going to react to more positively? "Can I take Friday off,

Boss?" Or this one: "Boss, can you do without me Friday?"

In the first case, Boss had to translate your "Can I take Friday

off?" into "Can I do without this employee Friday?" That's an extra

thought process. (And you know how some bosses hate to think!)

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However, in the second case, "Boss, can you do without me

Friday," you did Boss's thinking for her. Your new wording made

managing without you a matter of pride for Boss. "Of course," she

said to herself. "I can manage without your help Friday."

Comm-YOU-nicate Your Compliments

Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Gentlemen, say a lady likes your suit. Which woman gives you warmer

feelings? The woman who says, "I like your suit." Or the one who

says, "You look great in that suit."

Big players who make business presentations use CommYOU-nication to excellent advantage. Suppose you're giving a talk

and a participant asks a question. He likes to hear you say, "That's

a good question." However, consider how much better he feels

when you tell him, "You've asked a good question."

Salespeople, don't just tell your prospects, "It's important that

. . . . " Convince them by informing them, "You'll see the importance of. . . . "

When negotiating, instead of, "The result will be . . . " let

them know, "You'll see the result when you. . . ."

Starting sentences with you even works when talking to

strangers on the street. Once, driving around San Francisco hopelessly lost, I asked people walking along the sidewalk how to get

to the Golden Gate Bridge. I stopped a couple trudging up a hill.

"Excuse me," I called out the window, "I can't find the Golden

Gate Bridge." The pair looked at each other and shrugged with

that "How stupid can these tourists get" look on their faces. "That

direction," the husband mumbled, pointing straight ahead.

Still lost, I called out to the next couple I encountered.

"Excuse me, where's the Golden Gate Bridge?" Without smiling,

they pointed in the opposite direction.

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Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came

upon the next strolling couple, I called out the window, "Excuse

me, could you tell me where the Golden Gate Bridge is?"

"Of course," they said, answering my question literally. You

see, by phrasing the question that way, it was a subtle challenge. I

was asking, in essence, "Are you able to give me directions?" This

hits them in the pride button. They walked over to my car and

gave me explicit instructions.

"Hey," I thought. "This you stuff really works." To test my

hypothesis, I tried it a few more times. I kept asking passersby my

three forms of the question. Sure enough, whenever I asked,

"Could you tell me where . . ." people were more pleasant and helpful than when I started the question with I or where.