36

Voices

All around me, they swim in violent turbulence and collide in unbearable screams I find myself hyperventilating. They are mad at me, they say they did it, they let go like trees in winter. Why can’t I? They chose, they made choices, there was nothing difficult about the choices they made. Their disappointment is like a physical weight, pulling me down. Then the voices are concerned, different and I know these are not the angry voices, these are the other voices. Tanaka says it’s a panic attack. I do not know what they are talking about, I just hope they keep out the angry voices. Hands lift my body up, hands everywhere, soft hands trying to handle with care. Hands that do not know anything about what they are doing, just doing because they have to.

My body feels weightless and I blink, hoping the beads of sweat on my forehead will find their way to my tears on my temples and they will together dissolve into a puddle of nothingness.