(Question) Is the story alright, and if not, what can be improved?

(This is just a question and a request for insight. There's quite a few of you who read this story, but hardly anyone leaving any insight. I said I wanted insight, and I was serious. I've been constantly checking the comments for some tips or pointers, but nothing.

You're criticism can be harsh, brash, open, I don't care. Any and all help towards allowing me to improve the story would be appreciated. So, if you read this, please add some comments to this question, or request for some assistance.