37. Chapter 37

Dean ached. He'd have liked to have claimed that it was limited to his back, specifically around his shoulder blades, but it wasn’t. That was where the sharpest pains were located, like a line of little needles set against the inside of his flesh, but the rest of his body ached too. He woke up the morning after they’d visited Sam and Bobby cursing his brother, but he didn’t think this was all Sam’s fault. Maybe that too hard thump on the back had set it off, but Sam wasn’t that strong.

Hot water helped a little, but for the most part over the next couple of days Dean was miserable. Being a hunter meant that he was used to all manner of injuries, but this was the first time he’d been hurt since starting this whole nestling thing and he couldn’t even say anything about it. If he did, there was no way Castiel would go up to heaven to renew his grace. And he needed to. Badly. He was starting to look a little too human for Dean’s tastes, and a strung out, exhausted, barely functioning human at that. He couldn’t wait any longer.

“I can do this,” he muttered, pressing his face against his bee. The warmth helped a little, but not enough. He slowly stood up, grimacing as the pain radiated down his spine. Not for the first time, he pulled his top up and twisted around to look at his back just to see if there was any swelling or bruising. There wasn’t. His back didn’t look any different from normal.

“Dean?”

Shit. How did little kids do it? There was absolutely no privacy whatsoever. He’d only been in here for less than five minutes. Dean quickly tugged his top back down a split second before Castiel came into the room. “Hi Daddy,” he said with what was meant to be a smile, but once he caught sight of Castiel there was no way he could manage that. It had only been a few minutes since breakfast, but somehow Castiel looked even worse now .

“What are you doing? I turned around after putting the dishes in the sink and you were gone.”

“Nothing,” Dean said, shrugging. “You, um, you don’t look so good.”

Castiel sighed. “Yes. Since he arrived two minutes ago, Gabriel has already pointed that out numerous times. I think it’s time for me to return to heaven for a little while and heal once and for all.” He didn’t sound pleased at the prospect.

“I wish I was old enough to come with you,” Dean said. It still felt weird to say that, considering that he was technically a fully grown human, but according to Castiel he wasn’t ready to go up to heaven yet. And he didn’t like the idea of Castiel leaving. He didn’t really think there was a chance that Castiel wouldn’t come back – he seemed pretty committed to what they were doing, after all - but Dean had learned a long time ago that anything was possible.

“It won’t be for long, Dean, I promise. Time in heaven passes much slower than it does down here. To you, it won’t feel like much more than a couple of days.” Castiel stepped closer and pulled him into a warm hug. Dean clung to him, realizing that the pressure of Castiel’s arms felt good against his back, as Castiel whispered, “I wouldn’t go at all unless it was necessary, but I only have a little more grace to give you. Running out is not an option at this point.”

Dean snorted – of course that was the only reason the dumb angel was agreeing to go – and pulled back. “Then I guess you better go,” he said, forcing back tears. He absolutely refused to cry just because Castiel was leaving. It wasn’t that big of a deal.

Castiel cupped his face. “I am coming back, little one. I will hear your prayers, and Gabriel can contact me if you need me.”

“Okay,” Dean said, even though he knew he wouldn’t be calling Castiel for anything. It was scary to see the angel like this: it was straight out of the days of the Apocalypse, when Castiel was falling and none of them could do anything to help him. He didn’t bother suggesting that Castiel take Gabriel with him, because that had already been met with a resounding ‘no’, but he wanted to.

He followed Castiel out into the living room, where Gabriel was waiting for them. Castiel gave him one last hug that didn’t last nearly long enough, then backed up a step, smiled and was gone. Just like that. Dean stared at the spot where he’d been until it grew blurry, and then suddenly Gabriel was pulling him into a tight hug. He sniffed and squeezed his eyes shut against the tears, but this time it didn’t help.

“He’s gonna be back before you know it, kiddo,” Gabriel said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head and rubbing a hand up and down his back. Dean had to steel himself against wincing.

“I know,” he muttered, squashing the little voice of doubt in the back of his head. “But you… you can’t call him.”

“Come again?”

“You can’t call him,” Dean repeated, looking up at him. The pain in his back was feeling a lot worse now, though whether that was from Gabriel’s touch or his daddy being gone, it was hard to say. “No matter what happens. The whole point of this is for him to heal and restore his grace, right? If you call him, he’ll come back and then he won’t want to leave again.”

Gabriel sighed. “Let’s just hope that’s not an issue, alright?” He ruffled Dean’s hair and then released him. “Come on, what do you say we play outside for a little while?”

It turned out that playing outside wasn’t nearly as much fun without Castiel. It was okay at first, while he and Gabriel were flying kites together, because Dean liked seeing the kites dance on the wind. But after the wind died down and Gabriel put the kites away, Dean sat down on the ground and aimlessly pushed around a few of his trucks. Sometimes it was fun to play with them, but he just couldn’t get into it the way he normally did. He wondered what Castiel was doing. Were the other angels glad to see him? Was Balthazar up there with him? Was Raphael trying to cause trouble? What would Castiel do if someone tried to fight with him while he was so low on grace?

Knowing Castiel, he wouldn’t back down one bit. He was stubborn like that. Dean picked up a stick and drew a few meaningless symbols in the dirt, but it quickly turned into a bunch of stick figures with wings fighting each other. Because Gabriel had been the one who was keeping peace in heaven, but now he was stuck here with Dean. That was exactly the kind of thing that Raphael would take advantage of. If something went wrong, it was all Dean’s fault because he was too much of a baby to be left alone.

“Please don’t let anything happen,” Dean whispered, not even sure who he was speaking to, and wiped at the tears on his face. He swiped a hand over his drawings until they were all gone and started over, deciding that he’d draw a picture of him and Sam in the Impala instead. He kept at it, adding in stick figures meant to represent Bobby and Jody and Rufus and Jo and Ellen, until Gabriel called to him that it was time for lunch.

Gabriel had really gone all out, too, with grilled cheese sandwiches that had three kinds of cheese and homemade potato chips with a sippy cup of milk. Dean just wasn’t feeling it. He ate half a sandwich slowly, under Gabriel’s watchful eyes, then looked down at the rest of his plate. The food looked delicious, and it smelled really good too, but he just wasn’t hungry. For the last three or four days, his appetite had been basically non-existent. He pushed his plate away.

“Finish your lunch,” Gabriel said.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Dean.”

Dean squirmed. He had to pee too, but he’d been holding it until now. No one had ever changed him but Castiel, and he didn’t know how to feel about the likelihood of Gabriel doing it. He glanced up slowly, meeting Gabriel’s intent gaze. Just like Castiel, it felt like Gabriel could see straight through him.

“I know you’re worried about your daddy, but you have to eat.”

“It’s not that. I’m just not hungry. I haven’t been even before I found out he was going,” Dean said defensively, which was true. Ever since their shopping trip, food just hadn’t been that appealing.

“But there is a reason for it?” Gabriel asked, raising an eyebrow. He leaned back in his seat and folded his arms. “Does this have anything to do with you not wanting me to call Cassie for any reason? I figured there was something going on. Your daddy would’ve noticed if he wasn’t so distracted with leaving you. Come on, let’s hear it. What’s going on?”

“My back hurts,” Dean mumbled, quiet enough that human ears wouldn’t have heard, but Gabriel had no problem.

“Your back hurts? What’s – oh.”

There was something about the gravity of that ‘oh’ that made Dean feel a little bit panicked. There had been a terrifying suspicion brewing in the back of his mind for the past week that he had been trying really, really hard not to think about, but there were certain things that were adding up to an unavoidable conclusion. The pain in his back, which was centered around his shoulder blades, plus the fact that most, if not all, of the winter clothing that had been bought for him had slits on the shoulders equaled… well.

“Dean,” Gabriel said, very gently, and Dean’s panic kicked into overdrive.

“It’s not a big deal!” he snapped, fisting shaking hands in his lap. “Sam hit me too hard when we said good-bye, that’s all. He’s just a big moose and doesn’t know his own strength. It will go away. In fact, it already feels better than it did this morning.”

It was a blatant lie, because if anything his back was aching worse, and Gabriel knew it. “Come here, honey. Let me see.” He pushed his chair back and held his arms out, and Dean wavered for only a moment before he slid off his chair and moved around the table. Gabriel pulled him onto his lap, guiding Dean’s head down onto his shoulder, and then laid his hands on Dean’s back.

At first it wasn’t too bad: the pressure, like Castiel’s arms, felt good. But then it started to sting. Dean jerked against the iron hold and whimpered, tears welling up in his eyes as the pain increased depending on where Gabriel was touching him. He bit his lower lip to distract from it all, but then something icy cold and vaguely familiar washed over his back and he was done. Dean burst into tears and started to struggle, barely noticing that he was wetting himself.

“Stop! It hurts! Uncle Gabriel, please!” he sobbed.

Gabriel had already whisked his grace and his hands away. He smoothed Dean’s hair, whispering apologies. “I know, I know. It hurts. It’s okay. I’m here. You’re getting your wings, baby boy.”

“I don’t want wings,” Dean whimpered, more of that panic and dread curling his stomach.

“It’s non-negotiable at this point. Your wings are growing under the surface of your skin; that’s why it hurts. You should have said something before your daddy left. Until they’re ready to come out, the pain will only get worse for you from this point on.”

“I don’t care. If I’d told him, he wouldn’t have gone and you know it. Please don’t call him.” Dean looked up with the best version of wet puppy eyes that he could muster.

“Dean…”

“I’ll be okay. I’ve had worse. It’s not that bad. And he said he’d be back in a couple of days, right?”

Gabriel sighed. “He’ll be furious, you know.” But he sounded resigned.

“I know. But at least he’ll be back to normal, and getting mad won’t leave him exhausted,” Dean said. “Please, Uncle Gabriel.” He kept staring, not stopping the tears from welling up, and could practically pinpoint the second when Gabriel caved.

“Okay. So long as I think you can handle the pain, I won’t call him.”

“Thank you,” Dean breathed, wrapping his arms around Gabriel’s neck in a grateful hug. As long as Castiel came back whole and healthy, he was confident he could handle anything for a couple of days.