19. Chapter 19

It was unusual for Castiel to feel pain, but he had become familiar enough with the concept to know that's what brought him out of his sleep. His abdomen was throbbing, and it took him less than a second to remember why. Dean. The demons. Immediately his eyes opened and he tried to sit up, heedless of the fact that it made his stomach burn like he'd been set on fire. Before he could get all the way up, though, familiar hands grabbed his shoulders and firmly pushed him back down. Disconcertingly, Castiel realized that he didn't have the strength to fight. He felt as weak now as he had during the Apocalypse, when he was falling.

"Relax, little bro," Gabriel whispered, so close that his lips brushed against Castiel's ear. "It's fine. I felt it when you were attacked and I came right away. Balthazar and I smited the demons and Dean wasn't hurt. He's sleeping right next to you."

Castiel instantly turned his head, opening eyes he hadn't realized he had closed. Gabriel wasn't lying. Dean was sharing the king sized bed, his head resting on a pillow right beside Castiel's. But there was something different about his little boy. He was resting on top of the covers, which made it easy for Castiel to see that Dean was only dressed in a diaper and a t-shirt patterned with rainbow fish. He was also sucking on a green pacifier and clutching his bee with one hand. The other hand was wrapped around Castiel's wrist. His face was stained with tears, and even as Castiel watched, Dean stirred restlessly and whimpered. A couple of tears slid down his face.

Gabriel sighed, letting his hands slide off of Castiel's shoulders. "He's been doing that ever since I got him to fall asleep," he said mournfully, reaching over to wipe the tears away. "And let me tell you, Cassie, I do not envy you. I don't think you understand what you've gotten yourself into. Your kiddo is a job and a half, and he's got a set of lungs that make even my ears ring."

"What happened?" Castiel demanded, turning to frown at his brother. He'd been expecting the progress from pull-ups to diapers would take months, maybe even years, as it would require getting Dean relaxed enough to use them, never mind okay with being changed. Not to mention the pacifier, which he was pretty sure he had hidden away securely so that Dean wouldn't accidentally stumble across it while exploring the nest.

"I told you. After we killed the demons, we brought you guys back here. I patched up your wounds as best I could, but they stabbed you with your own blade and it's been a pretty slow healing process. It'll still be a couple of days before you're back to full strength, and longer still before your grace is back to normal." Gabriel nodded towards Castiel's midsection, and Castiel managed to prop himself up enough to look. He was wearing a pair of jeans and nothing else, revealing the bandages on his belly.

He lightly brushed his fingers across the bandages, grimacing when even that amount of pressure ached. "But what happened with Dean?"

"I... Fuck, I don't know. He just... broke. I don't know if it was seeing you get skewered right in front of him, or the fact that he didn't react the way a hunter would when the demons showed up, or the grace you've been giving him, or maybe he just repressed so much shit that it finally caught up with him... Maybe a combination of all of the above." Gabriel shrugged helplessly, looking a little wild around the eyes. "I didn't even know human babies could cry that long or that loud, Cassie. It took me hours to calm him down. It wasn't until Balthazar gave him the bee that he finally fell asleep, and even then I'm pretty sure it's only because he was so exhausted his body gave out on him."

"Oh, Dean." Castiel looked down at his little boy, guilt washing over him. He should have been there for a breakdown of that size. Dean had probably been so overwhelmed, so confused. And while he was friendly with Gabriel, Castiel was his daddy. It was his responsibility to be there to guide Dean through this and he hadn't been.

"Don't look like that. You're giving Sammy a run for his money with those puppy dog eyes," Gabriel said, sounding exasperated. He rubbed his head as though it pained him. "Look, the reason he's in a diaper is because he wet himself while I was trying to calm him down. I don't even know if he realized it was happening. It certainly didn't stop him crying any. A diaper seemed like the best idea, since I didn't know if it would happen again. I didn't want a second dousing in human pee. And the pacifier was Balthazar's idea, though I think that was more to make Dean stop screaming than anything..."

"Thank you for looking after him, Gabriel. It couldn't have been easy."

"It was the one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, and that includes going up against Lucifer," Gabriel said flatly. "When Dean's wings start growing in, do me a favor and don't contact me for about three weeks until the worst is over."

Castiel hid a smile as he gently uncurled Dean's fingers from around his wrist. Dean whimpered and grabbed a fistful of Castiel's pant leg instead. "Don't cry, little one," Castiel whispered, brushing a few strands of hair out of Dean's face. "It's okay. Daddy and Uncle Gabe are here with you."

Dean twitched under the touch, his eyes fluttering. Slowly, his eyes opened to half mast and he looked up at the two angels like he wasn't sure what was going on. His expression was so fuzzy that Castiel knew he was still more than half asleep, and miles beneath the surface beside. It was a little preview of what Dean probably would be like as a baby, soft and sweet and warm, but it wasn't worth the trauma he'd been through.

He stroked Dean's hair and took the risk of using a little bit of his grace to soothe Dean's soul, disturbed to find that Dean's soul was even more broken now than it had been before. But a bit more probing revealed that the comfort Gabriel had given Dean while he cried had gone a long way towards healing some of older fractures that had been there since Mary Winchester died. Possibly because Dean had been holding in some of those tears for that long.

At the touch of the familiar grace, Dean mewled behind his pacifier, sounding like a frightened kitten, and squirmed closer, limbs flopping about like he wasn't really sure how to use them anymore. Castiel willingly drew Dean into his lap, even though the weight against his stomach hurt. He wrapped his arms around Dean and pressed a kiss against the side of Dean's head, unsurprised when Dean clung to him.

"I'm right here," Castiel murmured to him, rubbing Dean's back. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

"I don't think he understands you, Cas," Gabriel said.

"No, I know he doesn't. His mind is hiding right now. I don't think he's ready to deal with what happened," Castiel said, resting his head on top of Dean's hair. It was so soft under his cheek.

Gabriel looked uncomfortable. "The thing that pushed him over... I touched him with my grace. Did I... break your kid?"

"No, Gabriel," Castiel said as patiently as possible, even though he wanted to laugh. For all the time he'd spent on Earth, and considering how many times he had played tricks on them, there were times when Gabriel seemed to know very little about humans, and it was oddly endearing. "It probably wasn't your best idea, but we knew this was a long time coming. Eventually Dean would have had a breakdown. No human is capable of continuing under that kind of burden."

"Yeah, but now he's out for the count. He's sucking on a pacifier."

There was a shade of hysteria to Gabriel's voice, and Castiel looked up at his brother. "Why don't you go get Dean some grace?" he suggested, suspecting that Gabriel was in need of a few minutes to himself. And sure enough, even before the words were fully out of his mouth, Gabriel was gone.

Because he could sense that Gabriel was still inside the nest, Castiel didn't bother calling out to him to make sure that he was okay. Instead, he glanced back down at Dean and saw that Gabriel was right. Dean's eyes were shut, but his jaw moved steadily as he slowly sucked on the pacifier. It was adorable, and it was everything that Castiel wanted, but he would've enjoyed the moment a lot more if he knew that Dean wanted it, too.

Right now, it was like Dean had retreated into his head and had left his body to be cared for by outside sources. It was a huge sign of trust, but it was also a little worrying. There would be no more compartmentalizing of Dean's emotions, not while he was consuming grace, and that was pretty much the only coping method that Dean knew. Well, that, sex and alcohol, none of which was available to him anymore.

"It's gonna be a rough couple of days for you, baby boy," Castiel said to himself, sighing and shaking his head. Nothing was ever easy with a Winchester around, was it? He rubbed Dean's back a little more, wondering if Dean would ever be okay with crying when the mood struck him or expressing sadness and anger with his words instead of locking it all down.

This was all a step in the right direction, technically, because at least now Dean would understand that they would never mock him. He just had to hope that Dean wouldn't be too upset when he was finally willing to come back to them.

Gabriel came back carrying a sippy cup a few minutes later. Castiel took it from him and pulled the pacifier out of Dean's mouth. Dean started to whine, eyes welling up with tears, until Castiel put the spout of the cup to his lips. It took him a few seconds to start swallowing, and a little juice ran from the corner of his mouth down his chin, but eventually he caught on and started to drink, if somewhat sloppily.

"Maybe I should've just used a bottle," Gabriel said, hands on his hips.

"If he's not back to normal by tomorrow, then maybe," Castiel replied. Though if Dean's state of hiding lasted much longer than that, more drastic measures would have to be taken. He knew he could coax Dean out with his grace, but it would set him back several days in terms of healing. He hoped Dean would come back to them on his own.

After Dean was finished drinking, Castiel gently patted his back several times until Dean burped. Gabriel took the empty cup as Castiel offered the pacifier back to Dean, who took it surprisingly quickly. He curled up as best he could on Castiel's lap and hid his face against his bee, one arm still wrapped possessively around Castiel's waist. Gabriel looked at the two of them and made a face as he put a hand on Dean's leg.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but he's actually pretty cute."

"You could get one of your own, if you wanted," Castiel pointed out.

Gabriel just shook his head. "I think yours is more than enough trouble for both of us," he said, and Castiel had to admit that was definitely true.