Glance of his (01)

Dear myself,

Life is what you make it. Life is like that, full of ups and downs. Loving is not simple. Loving can hurt. You will feel worthless. The pain was evident in every aspect. The pain was written in every corner of my eyes.

I was here in my favourite spot, the rooftop letting myself feel the eery touch of air and the air let my hair swaying endlessly. I don't bother because I love the feeling. From my spot, I can see children in the other street playing Filipino games. I can see happiness and how carefree they are. This dorm has four floors so I can see the expressions and emotions they're trying to convey with my 20-20 vision.

Watching them, I wondered if I can go back to being a child. The way that you don't have a problem to worry, all you have to worry about is how to win. Sometimes, you don't need to feel annoyed if you win or lose or you will cry but after a second of consoling by giving ice cream, candy or something sweet, a smile was written on your face as if nothing happened. If you're still a child, you can cry when someone hurts you or you can't any longer tolerate the burden in your heart. I remembered someone answered when they asked him what is love. He said that love is when you lose your teeth, they still love you. How funny but I want to go back to being a kid. No worries. No pain. No heartbreak.

I want this pain to be washed away. If I would have the powers to take all the pain inside me, I would immediately be shattered and vanished the pain in an instant. I doubted. I can't imagine that those memories are still flashing back, all the memories we shared since childhood. I didn't expect that one day, it will turn into trash. It would be okay if it will turn into special waste or recyclable materials but it's not. It doesn't even consider biodegradable waste. It can't be restored nor fixed it. It can't be because it was shattered into pieces and some part was dissolved. The pain left a scar, a permanent scar. It can't be removed even if you want to hide, it was still visible.

I was about to cry but I heard steps walking towards me. A familiar scent, I already knew who is the person. I secretly wiped my teary eyes while composing myself as I turned my gaze to her.

"I knew it," Rona, my best friend. She sat beside me and looked at what I was looking at, the children who are playing.

"Even if you won't utter a single word, I knew it," she finally said, a firm conclusion. I looked at her but her eyes were still fixed to those children. I got what she meant so I just remained silent.

"Soon, you will get through it. You will get better. It takes time," she said trying to console me.

"Exactly," I agreed. That time will come. She gave me a genuine smile. It seems that it was an assurance that I will get through it. I smiled back, not a fake smile but a smile full of hopes. Not now but soon, still hoping for the right time. Nothing is bad hoping for it.

The next day, my day was still the same. My work just ended and it's already 6:30 pm. I dropped by a cafe. It's been weeks since the last time I taste my favourite drink.

I went straightly to the counter.

"Same order ma'am?" the staff asked. I nodded.

"It's been a long time since you dropped by here in our cafe, ma'am. More workloads?" she smiled talking to me, all the staff here in this cafe made me feel a warm welcome, the staff name I'm talking to is Jane if I'm not mistaken.

"Yeah. Lots of papers to finish," I answered. After a minute, she handed me my order and went to my usual spot because it was vacant and it was near the window.

I took a sipped on my drinks while browsing Facebook. In my newsfeed, it appears a picture of a cute dog. I remembered the question of my workmate.

"If you were given the chance to be born, what kind of animal do you want to be?" she said seriously, I didn't expect that despite his jolly personality she will ask me that kind of question and that question made me stop what I am doing. Maybe others will not take it seriously and random animals their going to tell but for me is the other way around.

"I want a dog." I plainly said.

"Why a dog? Of all animals?" she asked.

"The trait of a dog is somehow admirable, loyal and have deep respect. The dog was loyal to his master. No matter what happens, the dog won't leave and it will never forget you're good deeds. Aside from that, a dog can foresee the danger. The dog won't allow itself to be in danger, know how to fight and not easy to give up." I said.

"What deep thoughts it was! Are you digging for something?" she retorted.

"Do you think so?" then I laughed.

Loyal? Respect? It's hard to find. Do I think that time will come? The one? For now, it's vague. I was still in the process of moving on though in the first place what's the use of a move on. Because as they were saying, if you are occupied with something, you can't see the beauty of things around you. Just like now, I can't find the answers, explanations or even an apology to console the pain that I'm longing to hear. I was left hanging. I fell. I was left behind, nothing but pain. I don't know his reason. I don't know why he did that to me.

I didn't expect instant changes.

My childhood friend.

Still in pain,

Ms A