Starting Small is Key

Jian Li stared at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was long and styled elegantly, his lips painted a pale red and he was dressed in a dark green ensamble. He wet his lips and furrowed his eyebrows, warching the thin black hair twitch in reaction. By his side, Su Ning attached the last of the accessories. 

Jian Li nodded and declared it; "Good enough."

"Imperial Princess Yi, why are you going through so much trouble? Have you found a man you wish to marry?"

He clicked his tongue at the sheer gall of the impudent girl but as he was feeling in a good mood, he deigned to respond to her. "No man could ever be good enough for me. This is for Empress Lan."

"Empress... Lan?"

"En. Empress Lan."

"... ah, you wish to mend your relationship."

Jian Li's eye twitched and he threw a glare at the girl. "I'm not mending our relationship. I'm wooing her."

"... hah?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed deeply. Taking one last glance at his reflection, he deemed himselg handsome and gorgeous, as he always was. Now, he was ready for the first step of the plan.

"Out of the way, girl." He ordered the servant girl.

She blinked at him, her large eyes tearing up and making her look cute as a doll. Well, she still wasn't nearly as adorable as his daughter! He sighed at her and stepped around her, knowing from experience how stubborn she could be. He didn't have the time for arguing with her, his Empress was waiting for him!

He stalked out of the palace and hurried over the freshly cleaned garden. The bottom of his sweeping robes tore up the ground in his haste. He frowned to himself as he walked, hearing the steps of the servant girl following him.

Finally, he reached his Empress's palace and threw open the door. 

The sight of his Empress's staring at him with wide, surprised eyes made him jerk to a standstill. Her lips were curled into a vicious sneer, her eyes spitting venom in short order.

"Greetings to Imperial Princess Yi." a sickeningly sweet voice broke the silence.

"You-!" Jian Li's eyes widened and in his rage, he took a step forward. "What are you doing here?"

She stepped back, her light eyes tearing up as if he had physically attacked her. "Imperial Princess Yi, I am merely paying my respects to the revered mother of our beloved nation."

He wanted to kill her. He wanted to tear her head off. He wanted to cleave her open from head to toe with his sword. He wanted to dig into her chest and crush that thing she called a heart. He wanted to suffocate her with his bare hands, tear her throat open with his teeth. Gouge out her eyes and pull out her lying tongue. 

He wanted her dead.

"If you dare to lay a hand on my Empress, I will kill you."

She stumbled back, shock twisting her features into something unfamiliar. Jian Li got a vicious sense of satisfaction from the sight of it.

He stared down at her with rage clouding his sight and the full bearing of his status cloaking him. The woman who had started it all, the woman who was the reason for his mistakes, the woman who had borne him a son he'd never wanted... the woman who remnided him of all his mistakes stared back at him with frightened eyes. She was supported by servants immediately, servants whose unconditional support of her he had never thought to question. Why would they obey her, when she was hardly better than a servant? Worse, in some ways. 

She was a lowly concubine from a lowborn, misfortunate begotten family. She had no talents, no person backing her and no familial support. She wasn't even the most beautiful of his concubines. So why had he been so enchanted with her? Why had he found himself unable to tear his eyes off of her? 

Why had he given up his beloved, precious Empress for this woman?

He didn't understand it.

"Enough, Imperial Princess Yi."

The tired voice of his wife brought him out of his state. Jian Li turned to look at her. She was staring at him, exhaustion almost dripping off her like water. He scowled but before he could say something in his defense, she glared at him.

Jian Li's half-opened mouth snapped shut. 

He bit down on his bottom lip until he tasted down and averted his eyes from his wife. That cursed woman was still standing in his presence and he couldn't stand it. Ice was spreading through his veins, tears gathering in his eyes and he snapped out a harsh, "Get out!" at her.

She ran out as if her robes were on fire, but even that didn't calm him. His breaths quickened as his heart stuttered in his chest and his body lost all strength. 

He couldn't breathe! 

Black spots filled his vision as his tears welled over. His throat was dry and heaved, desperately trying to breathe, but he couldn't get any air! A stone pressed down on his chest as his knees buckled under him, bring him crashing down to the cold, hard floor. He stared at his lap, unaware of what he was seeing as he stayed perfectly still.

He brought his hands up to his cheeks and he could feel the water dripping down them. There was an unpleasant ringing in his ears as he mind was brought back to the sight of his unmoving Empress. 

She wasn't-! She was right next to him, and she wasn't moving. His Empress was an existence that overshadowed the sun itself, she wasn't supposed to be cold! And yet she... 

And yet she...

She...

He...

He had abandoned her. That was why... Why she had done that. It was all his fault. 

He closed his eyes, despair drowning him until he couldn't breathe. It was fine. He deserved it. There was nothing in the world that would ever change what he had done, what he had driven his strong Empress to do. His fierce Empress who bowed to him and made him the happiest man in the world, whose low he had discarded like trash.

There was no atonement, no redemption. She deserved better than that, she deserved his complete and utter love. She deserved every single thing that brought her joy in the world. She deserved anything that pleased her, anything at all.

He hickuped, his teeth chattering and his body trembling. He felt raw, exposed all the way down to his rotten soul. It felt as if a single gust of wind would bowl him over.

He didn't want to move.

It took him a disturbingly long time to realize someone's hand was on his back. Someone was speaking to him, their voice faint as if he was under water. He blinked his eyes open and stared straight ahead. Jian Li felt someone turn his head for him, angling it up until he was staring right into the dark eyes of his wife. 

His tears dribbled over the edges of his eyes faster. His heartbeat was the only thing that he could hear, it drowned out all other noise. He could see his Empress's lips moving, but her voice was lost to his all-consuming, unrelenting grief.

She slapped him. 

He turned his head back to her and stared at her in disbelief. She had slapped him? Him? The Emperor? She had slapped the Emperor? 

"Good. You're aware again."

She nodded in satisfaction and kneeled down in front of him. He watched in mute shock as she gripped his hand and squeezed it tightly. Jian Li stared intently at the sight of her two hands covering his one hand in his lap. 

His gaze returned to her face and he blinked with wide eyes at her. She was... touching him? Voluntarily? 

Why?

"Take a deep breath and hold it in, Imperial Princess Yi."

He obeyed her order without the slightest hesitation. A deep breath in and he held it in until the lack of air made him shake. She squeezed his hand tighter. "Good. Breathe out. Now do it again."

He did it again. And again. And again.

He kept going until he could make out his wife's eyelashes, the small whips of her hair that stuck to her neck. He kept going until his field of sight expanded and he could see the wall behind his wife, the stoic face of an old servant.

"Drink some water, Imperial Princess Yi."

A small hand appeared at the edge of his vision and held a cup of water. Jian Li gave it a glance but didn't take it. He had no strength left and no desire for anything at all, much less water. He just wanted to keep sitting here, holding hands with his wife. Like this, he could die happy.

His wife grabbed the cup from the small hand and brought it closer to him. Obediently, he took a sip when it was pressed to his mouth. 

The way she smiled at him made the effort worth it.

He took another sip and swallowed it down. It almost hurt his strangely dry throat, but he didn't care.

His wife smiled at him, a sincere smile that crinkled the corners of her eyes and softened her cold expression. She held his face in place as she made him take another sip and Jian Li felt his heart pound in his chest. 

His gaze followed her as she sat the empty cup down on the floor next to them and gripped both of his hands. She squeezed them tightly and caressed them. He wanted to grip her hands in return, but the fear that it would make her reject him kept him from going through with it. Instead, he simply leaned his body toward her.

"Imperial Princess Yi," she gently said and a thread of warmth curled in his belly. "allow me to accompany you home."

Jian Li smiled at her.