Chapter 9

The next morning Alex woke up and still felt drained. The week seemed endless. The whole day his mind keeps wandering back to Daniel.

"This has to stop." Alex slaps his palm on the desk, standing up. "Zero, I moved out of my parents house for two reasons. First, to keep you. Second, to gain the freedom to act on my sexual orientation. And what have I done regarding the latter? Nothing. Two and a half months of freedom and all I did was move my stuff, run around the public offices and training for my job."

He breathes in deeply, locking eyes with Zero. "Zero, I will get the number of a handsome guy tonight." Speaking it out loud made him realize – this is it. He is gay and he will act on it.

For three years already he undeniably knew he was gay. But did he dare act on it? Fantasizing about a guy while masturbating, that is all he ever had the courage to. He didn't even watch gay porn on the internet since he feared his parents might find it in the browser history. Always being the model student, model son until graduation.

But this was the past. He was already outside the house, being here for the sole purpose of acting on his own instincts.

Clenching his fist in determination, he took out his phone, searching on google for a gay bar in the city. There were tons. He chose one in a near but still far enough neighbourhood so he would not meet his direct neighbours on the street.

Fired up with determination he looked through his closet trying to find a possible date outfit. He picked a dark grey jeans, a deep red t-shirt and a jacket to match it. He looked decent enough.

With some last deep felt strokes on Zero's fur to gain courage, he walks out of the door.

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Once at the bar, he froze.

The building had a clearly visible sign declaring it as a gay bar. How could he just walk in there without everyone finding out?

Chickening out he walked past the bar.

Already feeling guilty for being a coward he breathes in two times. Stops. Turns around. And with new decisiveness in his steps he marches towards the door, pushes it open and goes inside.

Feeling like he got across the highest hurdle he needs a moment to take in the atmosphere. It is still early, only 7 p.m. and there are only a few guests. A couple of women sits at a corner table, holding hands and gazing each other so deeply in the eyes that Alex feels like he is intruding. He quickly turns his gaze away.

Two guys sitting close to each other at the counter were clearly flirting with each other. When one of them starts to place his hand on the other guy's thigh clearly inching higher and moving in between the legs, Alex starts blushing and quickly turns away.

Maybe it wasn't that good of an idea. He could still turn back.

In this moment the bartender walks over, a menu in hand. "Are you new here? I have never seen you before. Please have a seat at the counter if you want. We can chat a little while you choose your food." He was a handsome enough man with a ponytail and a nice smile. Alex starts to relax a little.

"Okay, thank you." He still feels shy but he didn't get this far just to turn back around.

With this he takes a seat at the counter scanning the menu in his hand. "What do you recommend? I came here without eating dinner."

"Mmmh, we have pretty decent sandwiches. Would you like one?" Alex agrees and chooses a ham and cheese sandwich with a beer.

The bartender seems to sense that Alex feels nervous and starts chatting. "You seem pretty young. Are you already working or in College?" "I recently started my training as a kindergarten teacher."

"Oh, that is wonderful. But not a job for me. I can't handle many kids at the same time, even less if it is for a longer period of time."

Probed like this Alex starts to tell him about his first weeks in the day-care center.

They chatted on for a long while. Later they would occasionally be interrupted by other costumers ordering but the bartender always came back to him. 'Would he be interested in me?'

When the other man was again serving a customer, Alex clenches his fist. He has to remember: Today, he was a man on a mission. He told Zero, he would get the phone number of a handsome guy. The bartender fitted the description well enough. He has to pull this off.

'Well, here goes nothing.'

When the bartender just came back from serving another costumer Alex asks "Excuse me but may I know your name? We talked the whole evening and I feel strange not knowing how to address you. My name is Alex, by the way." He hoped this would be a more subtle way to get closer to him. He doesn't want to spook him.

"My name is Dennis. Nice to meet you, Alex." Dennis gives of a very suggestive smile that makes Alex blush in an instant. 'Well, here goes nothing.' "Dennis. I really enjoyed talking with you tonight. If you do…don't mind, I would really like to get your number." Alex looks down, glancing up through his lashes. God, this is the first time he openly made advances towards a guy. His nerves were killing him.

"Of course. It would be my pleasure, Alex." And with this Dennis scribbled his number on a napkin, handing it to Alex. "We could go out tomorrow, I only have work in the evening." Dennis smiles at him widely, expecting something.

Alex froze. He achieved getting the number. But already going on a date? With a guy he only knows since two hours ago?

He panicked.

"I… I will call you." was all he mustered to say. He dropped money on the counter and quickly walked towards the door. He doesn't dare look back. This was so embarassing. He isn't ready for this. Three years hiding his sexual orientation was not without reason. He already feels the eyes of the people on the street on him.

He knows society evolved but this doesn't mean that everyone was accepting. He knows too many people who lightly make jokes about gays or use the word 'gay' as a curse word. He doesn't want to be associated with this.

His thoughts spiralled to a dark place. Deeper and deeper, his heartbeat quickens.

Then he crashes against something… Or someone?