5. Chapter 5

Morning light pulled Carina from an uneasy sleep. She blinked, frowning at the intrusive sun, and it was only then that she realized how quiet her bedroom seemed to be. Usually, morning involved the sound of the treadmill or a blender or the shower. Maya was an early riser, full of energy and resolve from the second she opened her eyes.

Carina turned her face to the left and was surprised to find her wife still asleep next to her. Maya lay on her side, her back to Carina, the sheets wrapped tightly around her body.

They both had to be at work, but Maya so rarely slept in that Carina didn’t want to wake her. Instead, she scootched forward, close enough to gently kiss a pale shoulder peeking out of the blanket. Carina took an indulgent moment to breathe Maya in, to rub her nose against Maya’s back. Even first thing in the morning, Maya smelled so impossibly good. But memories of the night before kept Carina from reaching over and waking her wife with a kiss.

Maya needed rest. She needed peace. And Carina could give her both.

After a shower and a good thirty minutes spent dealing with her hair, Carina walked out of the bathroom, expecting again to find Maya busy with their morning routines. But Maya was still in bed, her face nearly hidden in the pillow. Carina eyed the clock, trying to decide what to do. The fact that Maya hated to be late forced her decision. She crouched next to the bed and lay a gentle hand on Maya’s arm.

“Bambina?” She whispered. Maya’s eyes opened immediately. She’d obviously been awake for a long time.

“Hey.”

“Maya, are you feeling okay?”

Maya didn’t move. Her gaze was oddly blank as she looked at Carina’s face.

“I’ve been trying to convince myself to get up for the past hour,” she explained, emotionless.

Carina swallowed hard, trying to hide her own concern.

“I’m okay,” Maya insisted, though it was clear that she was far from okay. Carina slipped her hand into the cocoon surrounding her wife and found warm fingers clutching the sheets.

“Can I sit with you for a little bit?” She asked recognizing all the signs of a depressive episode. Her father’s mania always ended in darkness. Andrea’s often ended in tears.

Maya didn’t have depressive episodes. Maya channelled her anger and her pain into action, as if her anguish became fuel for her muscles and her mind. Lying in bed? Unable to move? That was not Maya.

Carina’s heart pounded in her chest. She felt helpless.

Until Maya took her hand and held on tight.

“I’m okay,” Maya said again, with eyes so dull Carina barely recognized them.

~*~

It was hard not to be distracted. Carina found her thoughts drifting to Maya constantly, worry swirling in her stomach.

She was present with her patients, but in moments of quiet, in moment when she was sitting at her desk or reviewing patient charts, her mind would fill with the image of Maya’s face. Usually, it was a pleasant problem to have. Now, it only brought her concern.

Maya was quiet. She was withdrawn. Carina was relieved that the two of them had broken through Maya’s need for physical isolation, but outside of their apartment, Maya was not herself and it was starting to scare Carina.

Every day Maya would go through the motions. She worked out. She made her disgusting smoothie. She’d stand by the door taking deep, centering breaths and then walk out, her shoulders slumped. On clinic days, Carina watched her wife move robotically through the station. She didn’t smile. She rarely sat in the Beanery anymore. And by the time she got home, she was nearly non-verbal. This morning had been the worst of it so far…

Carina knew that Maya was depressed. She knew that something needed to be done, but Maya was a complex person and springing therapy on her would only make her run away. It was becoming difficult to watch from a distance. It was painful to see the person she loved most in the world in so much turmoil. Maya’s insides were all twisted up, her mind was running a mile per minute – Carina just knew by looking at her.

A knock on her office door made her blink. She looked down at her desk and realized she’d been drawing circles on an open journal for the past ten minutes.

“Come in,” Carina called, expecting Jo or one of the interns.

Instead, Amelia popped in all smiles.

“You busy?” She asked, already settling into the chair opposite Carina’s desk.

“Not really.”

“Good. Because I owe you one. No…I owe you a million, Dr. Orgasm.”

Carina raised her eyebrows and settled back into her chair.

“Oh?” She asked, intrigued.

“For your suggestion the other day…”

“Ah, the strap on.”

Amelia laughed. “Listen, I’ve had some good sex in my life. Great sex. But…”

“With the right partner, it’s fantastico,” Carina agreed, nodding her head, sending a brief grazie into the universe for sending her a beautiful woman with Olympian stamina.

“Do you wear it or does Firefighter Barbie do all the work?”

Amelia Shepherd had no filter, which usually Carina found very amusing. But the mention of Maya made her frown and all talk about sex toys quickly died.

“Everything okay with you two?” Amelia was obviously trying to be respectful and Carina didn’t want to overshare private details about her wife’s mental health, but she was also struggling to keep all her worries inside.

“She’s having a very hard time at work,” Carina said, trying to remain vague.

“With the demotion? Still?”

“It’s…bad. She’s not, I mean, ugh I don’t know what to say.”

“You guys still working on baby plans?”

Carina shifted uncomfortably, the question more upsetting than she expected. When a single tear ran down her cheek, she wiped it away, frustrated by her own emotions.

“Hey,” Amelia leaned forward in her chair, “I know I make a lot of jokes about Firefighter Barbie because she’s unfairly attractive, but I’m your friend, Carina. Whatever you say doesn’t leave this room.”

“She could barely get out of bed this morning. I’ve never seen her like that…ever. She’s always up before me, on the treadmill or out for a run…I don’t know what to do.” Carina bit her lip, the memory enough to force another tear from her eye.

“Has she talked to anyone?”

Carina shook her head. “Maya is not good with confrontation. She needs time and space or else she runs. But I’m scared. Her job…if she’s distracted, I just…”

A horrible, helpless feeling flooded Carina’s chest as her eyes drifted to the framed photo on her desk. She had taken it on one of the rare mornings that Maya slept in. Her wife was fast asleep, peaceful and cozy, oddly innocent. She was so worry-free that Carina hadn’t been able to stop herself from snapping a picture.

Now it served as a reminder that Maya was far from peaceful or cozy.

“All you can do is what you’re doing now. Be there for her,” Amelia said.

“I don’t think I’m enough.”

“Oh,” Amelia smirked as she spoke, “Carina DeLuca, you are more than enough. Now, when’s your next patient?”

Carina turned to her phone. “Not for another ninety minutes.”

“And after that?”

“Going to pick up Maya from work.”

“Perfect. For the next ninety minutes do something that makes you happy. Charge up. And then go rescue your sexy wife and heal her with orgasms. Or soup. Whatever works. Maybe both?” Amelia stood up, her reassuring smile easing some of Carina’s self-doubt.

“Thank you, Amelia,” Carina said quietly.

“For you, Dr. Orgasm? Anything.”

~*~

Initially, Carina had planned to spend her ninety minutes finding coffee. On her way to the elevators, however, Cormac bumped into her outside of the NICU and motioned her forward.

“Someone wants to say hello,” he said. Carina quickly forgot about coffee and instead gave into the odd sense of excitement that bubbled up inside.

When she reached Jamie’s incubator, she couldn’t help but smile. They’d removed the eye mask and Jamie was awake, blinking in the low light.

“Ciao, Piccolina,” she laughed, relieved to see that Jamie had gained a little weight.

“Her mother was Jenny Palmer – apparently the boyfriend wasn’t the father. So, we’re still searching for next of kin. But in the meantime, Miss. Jamie is a ward of the state and a permanent resident of Hotel Grey-Sloan,” Cormac explained, though Carina was only half-paying attention.

“It’s nice to see her face.”

“Yes, ol’ blue eyes here has the nurses wrapped around her finger.”

“And her heartrate?”

Cormac frowned. “Still worrisome. She calms with skin-to-skin, but we obviously can’t give her that all day. Any chance you’re free for the next hour?”

Which is how Carina found herself once again shirtless in the NICU, sitting in a rocking chair with a tiny baby lying on her chest. She gave into the peace it brought her, it was so much better than the constant worry. Jamie’s hand curled around Carina’s fingertip, as if in greeting, as if she recognized Carina’s touch.

It was a trick of the light, Carina knew it was a trick of the light, but looking down, she couldn’t help but think of the picture on her desk. Jamie’s button nose and her little chin reminded her of Maya. It was silly, beyond silly, so Carina pushed away the thought and instead nuzzled her cheek against the top of Jamie’s head.

“Sei bella,” she whispered, nearly sighing at the feel of Jamie’s toes brushing against her, “sei al sicuro. Mia dolce bambina.”

You are beautiful. You are safe. My sweet baby.

~*~

The burn was addictive.

Maya chased it – on calls, on runs, on the exercise bike. The second her muscles started straining, her mind cleared, her worry faded. She could focus entirely on her body, which was easier than focusing on Beckett’s half-assed leadership and her crew’s sympathetic looks.

Her shift was nearly over, but Maya couldn’t bring herself to stop cycling in the gym. Each movement of her legs caused a pull, a tug of muscle and tendon, and each pull distracted her from everything going on outside the room.

It was only when Vic popped her head in the doorway that Maya looked up at all.

“Bishop, come here,” Vic hissed, motioning with her hand.

Maya puffed, trying to catch her breath. “Why?”

“Just do it. Come here.”

Vic looked so amused, and Maya belatedly realized that she’d barely spoken to her friend in days. With Vic on Aid Car most of the week and Maya on the engine, they only saw each other for occasional meals – meals Maya had been skipping as of late.

Slowing the bike, Maya hopped off and grabbed a towel, wiping her brow.

“Can I go change or…” she started, before Vic grabbed her wrist and yanked her towards the Beanery.

The kitchen was empty and suspiciously clean, save for a jar left on the counter. Vic walked right past it and guided Maya to the table where she forcibly made her sit.

“What’s going on?” Maya asked, looking around.

“Some idiot from B-Squad bought garlic-free pasta sauce and Carina is walking up the stairs right now.” Vic had her phone pointed towards the kitchen, her finger lingering over the record button on the screen.

“Wait, are you setting up my wife?”

“Yes, now shut up! She’s coming.”

Carina’s head was tipped down over her phone as she walked into view, the click of her boots the only sound as she appeared in the kitchen. Maya and Vic watched in silence as Carina looked up, her eyes obviously catching sight of the lone jar.

She narrowed her gaze, a frown immediately appearing on her features. And then her nostrils flared and her eyebrows shot up to her hairline and Maya could swear she saw smoke coming out of her ears.

“Cos’è questa merda?,” Carina picked up the jar and marched it to the garbage can, “Chi lo farebbe? Hai sputato sulle tombe dei miei antenati!”

It was only after she tossed the jar and it made a loud thud at the bottom of the can that Carina realized she had an audience.

Vic burst into laughter first, howling as Carina placed her hands on her hips.

“Did you do this?” She asked, directing her question at Vic.

Vic shook her head, the laughter making it impossible for her to speak.

“Grazie Dio that my nonna did not live to see this,” Carina grumbled, eyeing the trash can like the jar might try to crawl out.

“Do you know what she said?” Vic asked Maya who was trying to stifle her own giggles.

“Pretty sure she claimed someone spit on the grave of her ancestors?”

“Basta, basta.” Carina shot Vic and Maya a warning look before joining them at the table, taking a seat beside Maya.

Vic stood, stuffing her phone in her pocket as she moved. “Have a good night, DeLuca-Bishops. Pretty sure that added three years to my life.”

Maya watched Vic leave, a small smile still on her face.

“It’s nice to see you laugh.” Carina’s voice was tentative. Maya wasn’t sure how to feel about the statement.

“Hi,” she said instead, leaning over for a light kiss. Carina’s knee hit hers under the table. It was as close as they were willing to get in such a public space.

“Ciao, Bella. How many calls today?”

“Six. How many babies?”

“Four. Oh, but look…” Carina placed her phone on the table and with a few clicks, revealed a picture of Jamie.

Maya studied the image, her smile growing wider.

“No more eye mask?” She raised the phone, taking in Jamie’s face for the first time since the night of her birth.

“She told me to tell you that you look very beautiful today. Even though you’re all sweaty.”

“You know, Jamie is very talkative for a preemie.” Maya squeezed Carina’s thigh under the table.

“She is sweet though, no?”

Maya looked away from Carina’s phone and instead watched Carina’s face as she spoke. There was a lightness in her voice, an obvious happiness.

“She is,” Maya agreed, unsure how to feel about Carina’s obvious affection for the baby, but unable to deny how beautiful Carina looked as she smiled down at Jamie’s picture.

Maya brushed her nose against Carina’s shoulder, breathing her in.

“Can we go home?” She asked wanting very much to be away from the station. She tried to absorb some of Carina’s happiness, she desperately wanted to replace the heaviness in her chest with anything else.

Carina’s arm curled around Maya’s back, bringing them together in a half-hug.

“Sì, Bambina. Andiamo.”

Maya stood up and offered Carina her hand. She took it gladly.