Inheritance Troubles

Apparently magi inheritance is just as annoying and lengthy an ordeal as it is for the normies if there's no clear will left behind.

It's been a few days since my family's 'unfortunate' passing and I still haven't had any contact from the Clock Tower, which is basically the HQ of magi government, or the local authorities about what was supposed to happen next.

A few neighbours stopped by to express their condolences, some interested in 'adopting' me and my bereaved sister out of totally wholesome reasons and not, you know, the fact that we also have patents.

On that note, er, the Matou Family crest is gone.

It fucking exploded or something, I dunno.

And you know what, good riddance.

It was all rape bug related shit anyway.

Sadly, it also deprived me of the chance to sell it for millions to interested families... but eh, not that sad cause, like I said, something like that shouldn't exist.

So, with the prospect of great wealth being somewhat 'dubitable', I'm in Shirou's living room brainstorming ideas to get rich quick with Cortana.

See those fancy words?

Yeah, Shinjiberg is about to enter high society now.

"How about the fast food industry?" I offered curiously.

Last I checked, those guys had assets in the billions range.

"Uninspiring. The current giants hold a monopoly that would be hard to breach... The nature of monke-"

"Humans." I cut in.

"Yes, monkeys, is greedy and unsavoury... from what I have learnt so far. We can not be certain that they will not attempt to 'silence' you." The phone buzzed monotonously, refusing to correct itself.

But that's alright, racist AIs are the new trend.

What's that you're thinking?

'This guy is sitting at a table talking to his phone'?

Well, this guy made a complete AI at 12, what did you do except whine about wanting chocolate?

...Yeah, that's what I thought.

"I suggest a pyramid scheme under an alias." Cortana spoke out after a moment of silence, "We can take advantage of mankind's inability to think things through or accept what is an obvious danger... Then blame it on someone you don't like and ruin their lives while getting enough monetary assets to set up an industry of your choosing."

Damn, she might be smarter than me.

Not.

...

...

Okay... maybe.

But! My genius doesn't lie in my ability to take advantage of others, it lies in my ability to make things that can do that.

Also, I think she's having a huge misunderstanding.

"Coincidentally, Cortana, how far ahead do you believe I think?"

"I am unable to discern that... I apologise, father." 

Damn... my kid thinks I'm stupid.

"But I am aware that you allowed me to make this suggestion out of innate thoughtfulness and had thought of this already." The AI spoke with a dull tone... with a hint of pride?

Sure, let's go with that.

"Get it started then... we'll buy google stocks with that money." I nodded, tried to get up... and banged my knee.

Stupid Japanese tables.

Stupid sit on the floor habits.

I groaned and refrained from pulling on my hair.

See, I get to hate on Japanese design because... now hang on for a second... the Matou are originally Russian.

With how magi are about blood purity and their views on Asians being backwards savages, I don't think Zouken would have allowed much 'Japanese blood' in the family... Also, the dude had dark blue hair the same as me.

So we're dominantly Russian looking.

Suck on that irony.

I get to hate on Japanese architecture all I want!

Shinji Matou is now a purist Russian!

Death to the immigra-... okay nevermind, I'm bored of that now.

Fortunately, fate seemed to take issue with me being at peace for more than a few minutes and Shirou walked into the living room, looking confused as usual, "Shinji, you have a guest."

Woah, another one.

"He says he's here about your grandfather."

He paused for a moment before sighing and pushing away the door to reveal a-

"Shirou, go hide Sakura, priests are weird about children."

"But you're a child too, Shinji-kun." The 'guest' spoke neutrally, a thin smile on his face, "My condolences about your family and the unfortunate 'incident'."

I don't like the way he's emphasizing the word incident.

I want my pocket mommy.

Where is she?

Oh wait, she's in the kitchen, my bad.

If you haven't guessed it by now, the guest is Kirei Kotomine.

The sadistic priest with a basement full of children himself.

I'd recognise that mug anywhere.

Tall, dead eyes, furrowed brow, neck length brown hair... aw, who am I kidding? I wouldn't have recognised him if he wasn't wearing that black priest garb with his signature long coat.

I put on a defeated smile and relaxed into the tatami mat under me, putting my phone in my pocket, "Thank you?"

"Oh I'm sure you know who I am, young man." Kirei put a hand over his chest and gave a small bow, "But, all the same, I am Kirei Kotomine, the temporary overseer of this city until my dear teacher's daughter comes of age."

You mean the guy who you stabbed in the back for shits and giggles and then 'raised' his daughter while embezzling the funds meant for her?

The kid's known as a pauper in magi society.

"And the permanent overseer of those orphans in your basement?"

"Shinji, play nice."

Shut up Shirou, you're not my mom.

"Hm... I don't appreciate how out of hand those jokes have been getting recently." The Priest denied my accusation with a small smile, "You are welcome to confirm the truth yourself."

Yeah, no thanks.

I'm not stepping foot in that fucked up Church.

Kirei walked over and took a seat across from me, completely uninvited, "I hope I'm not intruding."

"You are."

...This guy knows something.

"Grief can have a heavy effect on the heart but... you must move on, young man." He offered kindly, "I was here to inform you of the family's patents and assets in lieu of my position as overseer."

Hm, I guess that makes sense...

He's acting in the capacity of the Tohsaka family head, not the Church, even then, all he's really doing is passing a message from the powers that be.

"As is tradition, the position of family head will be passed to the oldest child." He explained simply, putting both hands on the table, "However, in light of whatever experiment went awry and risked exposing magecraft to the public, the Clock Tower will confiscate some segment of the Magic Crest."

Dicks.

It's probably some Lord who doesn't know what's what.

But... oh I'll give them a Crest alright.

Hehehe...

"Shinji-kun, such an expression is unbecoming of one who lost close family." Kirei noted calmly, glancing at Shirou who was standing behind him, "Shinji Matou, the Clock Tower will accept your position if you agree to these terms."

Yeah, with how excluded and isolationist we are, there's not much they can really do to mess me over... The Matou don't have branch families, or any blood outside the main family at all.

That's good, cause I think I'd be staring at an inheritance lawsuit.

"Alright, I'll see about the crest."

I don't have one but... meh.

They don't need to know that.

"Very well." Kirei gave an affirmative nod and stood up, somehow not banging his knees on this low table before he... smiled?

And not in that fake way.

He smiled in the fucked up psycho sadist way, "Oh and, I thought you should know... I came upon a rather unique insect in my walk a few days ago."

Fuck.

Of course, there were hundreds, maybe thousands of those things, he could've just snuck one away.

"But don't worry." The priest put his hands behind his back, "I'm not particularly fond of those ones so I performed a rite and laid it to rest. The Matou family is now comprised solely of you and young Sakura back there."

...What's his angle?

"After trying to shove it up your ass?"

"No? I am a devout christian and widower, young man."

Eh, worth a shot.

"Lastly, certain lords are quite interested in meeting the new Matou head."

I rested my chin in my hand and deadpanned, "Because kids are so gullible."

"Hm, I could serve as a guardian if you want?"

"No thanks."

Kirei, don't underestimate how petty the 12 or 11 year old king of a candy crack empire can be.

Rue the day you thought about trying to mess with Shinjiberg to satisfy your sick mind!

When the priest left, I took out my phone and put it on the table.

"Cortana, find me one Caren Hortensia."

"Affirmative."

-

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PS for extra chap?

Update, currently getting fucked by Rellana.