Gil-kun and Mount Candy

"Can you stop moving your leg so much? It's shaking the entire carriage!"

"Are you anxious, Goldie?"

"That's nonsense!"

"I doubt it... *coughs* can you not put on perfume every 5 minutes?! It's like fighting a chemical warfare..."

"Silence! My reunion with Saber draws nearer and nearer, therefore I must be adequately prepared to meet with her."

"Isn't this more than enough preparation?"

"Sure, for a mongrel like yourself, not for my beloved Saber..."

"Aw, that's so sweet!"

"That's pathetic..."

"Don't be so judgemental, Salty! From the little information you were forced to give, it seems you are on this journey for the same reason as Goldie."

"And what would that be?"

"Finding your lost love, obviously!"

"That's ridiculous... I would never do such a stupid and pathetic thing."

"Are you sure you're not lying to yourself? You turned your head just now."

"I simply want to rest before my ears are bombarded by all the ruckus and nauseating words he's going to spit."

"There will be no need for that! Once my adored Saber sees me in my full splendor, she won't be able to resist my charm for even a second! We shall consume the fruits of our love in this empty artificial land an-"

"Keep your perverted thoughts to yourself, please."

"Consume the fruits of your love... did you plant an apple tree together?"

"Forget it, mongrels will never understand what it's like to be a not-mongrel."

With intelligent and thought-provoking considerations like this, their ride continued until they reached a small river, where, much to the delight of the King of Heroes and the chagrin of a disgruntled Salter, there was a small tent.

The doors of the chariot opened solemnly, as Gilgamesh slowly exited majestically in a regal, shining, and dazzling attire, his eyes clothes, and his head slightly lowered as if he was sending a prayer to the sky or anticipating a moment of utmost joy. Then he raised his hand gently toward the tent, cleared his throat, and proclaimed with a determined tone that still couldn't completely hide his excitement:

"Saber, I have scoured this Earth, defeated countless foes and performed a thousand heroic deeds all in your name and in the trepidation to meet with you again. Now, I shall reprise from where we left off the last time we met. If you are wielding your hopeful sword, lay it down and join me in the sacred and eternal union of marriage, be mine and I shall grant you every pleasure there is to experience in my kingdom. Now Saber, no, Artoria, let us raise our hearts together and let our eyes meet again!"

"Bravo! Bravo! What a touching and magnificent speech!"

"I feel like I'm going to vomit any moment now..."

"... Saber, by the love that unites our fate, come out and grace your husband, myself, with your presence!"

"Maybe she's a bit shy..."

"Maybe she isn't that different from me..."

"... Saber... Saber... SABER! I ORDER YOU AS YOUR KING AND YOUR COMPANION TO COME OUT RIGHT NOW BEFORE I LAY MY PUNISHMENT ON YOU! DON'T INSULT ME ANY FURTHER WITH YOUR CHILDISH BEHAVIOUR!"

"And now he's pissed off... are we sure they are in love with each other?"

"I'm sure Goldie wouldn't lie about such a thing... perhaps Artoria is a heavy sleeper..."

"I wouldn't sleep so heavily if someone cracked my head open with a club."

"Maybe... she's a REALLY heavy sleeper."

There was silence for a few seconds, and then Gilgamesh, who by now had opened his eyes and lost all excitement in his voice, teleported in front of the tent.

"You insolent woman... I'll show you what happens when you defy me..."

He tore open the tent and looked inside.

There was no one.

"Haha! You were talking to the wind, dumbass!"

Salter laughed her head off, nearly falling off the carriage, until a mechanical hand appeared in front of her and stuck some tape to her mouth, sealing it shut.

"Haha! You finally know what it feels like to be punished for being annoying, Salt-"

Nero gloated before getting socked in the throat.

Gilgamesh breathed heavily, looked up to the sky, then looked down back at the tent, and finally proceeded to tear it apart with his Gate of Babylon as he let out a powerful cry of fury and exasperation.

"DAMN IT!"

"Wait... Goldie... don't lose hope so quickly. I know we have kept saying this nonstop, but this time it's especially true: she can't be far away, and my guess is that she's following the river, perhaps she even crafted a small boat to navigate it. Let's see in which direction the stream flows..."

Nero tried calming him down, as he attempted to slowly regain his cool while she immersed her finger in the water.

"OK... so the river moves this way, so with our great means of transport, I'm sure we can catch up to her and you can confess her feelings again, and then you can both be happy ever after. Now, let's go... *sucks finger* wait a second... this is sweet... *tries again* it really is..."

"Do you think I care about that now, you fool?"

"Come on, try it. Here, give it a go." Nero offered him as she moved her finger toward his mouth.

He looked at her with a perplexed expression for an instant, until she realised what looked odd, which made her blush slightly and giggle.

"Silly me! But for real, try it, umu!"

Exasperated, he gathered some water from the stream and drank it. His eyes widened a bit.

"Well?"

"It is... unnaturally sweet."

"Right? Super weird... wait, could it be that... that mountain in the distance... is it actually..."

"What are you trying to say? Wait, don't tell you think..."

"It's the mountain made out of candy! Oh, bless the Gods! Let's go there, Goldie!"

"No way! Do I need to remind you why we are here in the first place?"

"So? You think Saber didn't see a giant mountain of candy and decided to go there?"

"My Saber wouldn't do something so ridiculous."

"Sounds like your Saber is a mood killer."

"Like you are one to talk, goth Saber!"

"Don't test me, golden pimp."

"Hey, how about we discuss all of this... while we are on the mountain of candy?"

"I said we are not goin-"

Gilgamesh tried saying, but before the words could escape his mouth Nero had already started running.

"How many times does it take for you to get that once she decides to do something you can't control her or stop her?"

"Keep talking that sassy talk and I make you walk like her."

"Fine, let's just catch up to her, then we can stay there for a bit so the kid can be happy and finally we search for the other me."

"... I hate this entire situation."

"You'll have to get in line, then."

In the end, as always, Gilgamesh conceded. They arrived in front of Mount Candy and Nero immediately started running around merrily like a little girl in a candy shop, touching and munching on everything.

"How long do we have to cosplay as babysitters, Salter? A king does not wait for his servants to placate their urges, it's the servants who wait until the king is satisfied. ... Salter? Salter?! Where the hell are y- oh, you have got to be kidding me..."

Gilgamesh whined as he saw Salter standing in the middle of a waterfall, her head extended upwards and her mouth wide open.

"Mmm... Coke..."

"I'm surrounded by the worst kind of idiots..."

"Umu, you have to try this umu! It's so umu, your umu is going to umu, umu!"

"... what the hell did you just say?"

Fun fact: as Nero's sugar levels rise, so does her tendency to umu. It is prophesized that a possible start of the Apocalypse might be when Emperor Nero becomes diabetic.

What Nero wanted to say was:

"Goldie, you have to try this chocolate! It's so flavourful, your stomach is going to sing in joy, without a doubt! Here, try it!"

However, by now, she had eaten such a high quantity of sweets that she had become like a broken machine that kept on repeating one word: umu.

"I'm going to go insane, I'm going to go insane, I'm going to go insane..."

"I think you are already going insane, Galter." Salter noted dutifully, as she snacked on some cotton candy before slurping a few metres of sour strips.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm going insane, I'm going insane, I'm going insane."

"I agree with Nero. If that Artoria of yours is anywhere, then it must be here."

"Again with this childish idea... don't be so insolent and ridiculous! My dear Artoria would never stoop so low as-"

"Oh, hey there, are you here too?"

Nero said to a person who was eating a nearby house.

The blonde lady looked at her with surprise with her green eyes.

They all stopped and looked at her.

"What? What the hell are you staring at? Is there something on my face or-"

"SABER! MY BELOVED SABER! HERE YOU ARE! I ALWAYS KNEW I'D FIND YOU HERE SINCE I KNOW YOU SO WELL! OH, MY ADORABLE CUTE SWEET LITTLE KING OF KN-"

"Who the fuck are you?"

"... w-what?"

"Who are you, dude? I have never seen you or your goofy clothes anywhere."

"Y... You don't... recognise... me..."

"Listen, whoever you are, you must have confused me with someone else because clearly, I'm not the person you were looking for."

Just then, the witch of the house Mordred was devouring came out.

"Who dares to nibble my hou-" She couldn't finish before being blasted away annoyedly by a swing of the sword of that unknown lady.

Gilgamesh looked at her sword. It was blood red. She had somewhat long hair, that was left wild and free and she wore armour that also had red highlights.

He turned around and grabbed some grass made out of licorice, squeezing it tightly in his hand.

"No... no... not again... *throws the licorice* YOU'RE AGAIN THE WRONG SABER!!!"

He cried out desperately as he fell to his knees.

"Is he alright in the head?"

"Not fully."

"Umu umu."

"What?"

"Don't pay them any mind, I'm the only normal one."

"You're drenched in coke..."

"You have pudding in your hair..."

"In any case, what business do you have with my father, your weirdo?"

"Don't disturb my moment of mourning, wrong Saber!"

"You motherf- listen, why did you mention my father?"

"Your father? I never mentioned your father! I don't know your damn father, wrong Saber!"

"Yes, you did, golden weirdo! You called out the King of Knights?"

"So what? I meant my dear Saber, the King of Knights, Art- wait, wait, wait a fucking second... father... father... FATHER?! So you mean to tell me..."

"I'm Mordred, son of King Arthur, and I'm looking for my father. Now, how and what do you know about my father, you weirdo?"

"Oh dear, this ain't going to be pretty."

"Umu umu."