Insecurity

October 2022.

Lagos,

Victoria Island.

 Earlier.....

 There was silence for about two minutes. She didn't speak, and neither did I. It seemed like she was waiting for me to say something first. I looked at her in a strange but curious manner, there was something about her that struck me like an impetus, causing waves of excitement to travel down my skin. She had a sad, innocent look on her face, and she sat like a schoolgirl, her hands were placed on her thighs while she looked around fidgeting with her fingers. I continued to study her movements, waiting for her to speak, but it was getting too long, however, I spoke first.

"Mrs. Grace" I called, but there was no response at first.

"Mrs. Grace!" I called out again

She got startled in response. "Sorry, yes?" She responded.

"Please continue" I gestured with my left hand while seated on a small couch beside my desk. 

She moved slowly and crossed her leg on the other, and the rays of sunlight shone through the window blind on her dark skin where she sat. I intentionally picked that spot to sit across from my patients, where they wouldn't be able to read my facial expressions clearly, but I could perfectly read their body language.

"Oh yes, where was I?" She asked 

"Well, You were just about to tell me what your problem is" 

She kept looking around my office, more like she was trying to evade the question, and I noticed that. 

"This is the first time I've ever been in a psychiatrist's office," She said, "I'm impressed"

"Well, It relaxes my patients," I said easily. "And by the way, I'm a psychoanalyst," I added, letting out a crooked smile

"What's the difference?"

"Well, about fifty thousand an hour. But, we're not here to talk about my profession, are we?"

"Yes, Dr. Stevens," she said in a shy tone

"No, please call me Jude"

"Okay" she smiled back at me

"I would like us to drop the honorifics, I want you to get as comfortable as you can with me"

"Is that okay with you?" I added

"Yes Jude" she smiled again 

"Okay, so what exactly is your problem?" I asked

She took a deep breath before she spoke. "I think I'm being watched" She paused.

"By who?"

"I don't know, but I feel like someone is stalking me, I just... I can feel it." She continued 

"I feel like someone is watching my every move. A month ago, I got a strange call from an unknown number on my cellphone, but when I answered the call, there was no response on the other end."

"Well, couldn't it have been a misplaced call" I suggested 

"It didn't bother me then until a week after when I got another phone call, and every other week since then. As usual, there was never any response from the other end" She explained 

I readjusted myself from my seat. This time, I rested my chin on my palm to get a careful study of her every movement as she spoke. I glanced slowly at her features, most especially the movement of her lips. But I could not decide if I was attracted to her or if I was just bemused by her appearance. She looked radiantly beautiful, and she talked with such gentle passion in the tone of her voice.

"You don't think I'm being paranoid, are you?" She asked

"No, I don't think you're paranoid. Not according to me for now" I said

"I think, it is okay to be concerned for our safety, the urge to feel secure, and the awareness of our surroundings" I explained. I didn't want her to feel embarrassed 

"Is that so? Or you're just saying that to make me feel better"

"It is not my job to make you feel better, Grace. But, it is my job to make you understand what your problem is, and how I can help you deal with it" 

"Wise enough," she said.

There was a pause at the moment before I continued, 

"If I am to help you out, you ought to be honest with me. You have to tell me everything, including how you feel"

She turned her head toward the direction of the window, looking at the ray of sunlight that made her dark skin dazzle. It was a bit difficult for me to pay attention to what she was saying, I had never seen someone as beautiful. Something was intriguing about this woman that made my heart flutter, was it her skin? or was it her hazel eyes, or was it the way she gazed at me on our first encounter, these questions kept rummaging through my mind the entire time.

 I was just heading out of the gym when I accidentally bumped into her, and her purse fell. I tried to pick it up for her when I met with her gaze. At first, I thought she would've blurted out at me for not watching where I was going, but rather she let out what seemed to be a fake smile and gave me a bizarre look, more or less like she was being apologetic, but I couldn't tell anyway. She grabbed the purse from my hand and walked away.

 A week later, she appeared in my office for a booked session. A former client of mine who was a friend of hers had recommended me to her, but she didn't seem to recall my face at the gym house but I surely could not forget a face like hers. 

"Do you mind telling me more about yourself, Mrs. Grace?" I continued 

"More? I'm afraid there's nothing much to tell"

"How about you tell me about your background, what about your parents"

"What does that have to do with my current situation?"

"Knowing your childhood might help to identify if there is a trigger to why you suddenly feel insecure about your surroundings" I explained 

"Well, my mother is alive and well with her family, I can't say much about my father. He hmm... He abandoned us when I was fifteen, so I pretty much grew up with my mom until two years ago" She paused 

"And how did you feel about your father leaving you and your mother at that moment"

"Well, I guess I was a little bit disappointed. But what more could I expect from him, he was never there when I needed him. So, there was nothing much to feel" she said in a low husky voice.

I noticed the ring on her finger. she's married I thought. For some reason, I was a bit disappointed.

"I noticed you're married," I said briefly 

"Oh, that's..." she stuttered, while she placed her other hand on her fingers. 

What can you tell me about your marriage, Grace" I pushed further. "What is your husband like?"

I didn't have to ask about that. it was somehow intrusive and that might cause her to withdraw. Should I not have asked her that? Did she find it intrusive? It kept bugging my mind, but I was going to ask about it either way. It could shed some answers to whatever could be the cause of her problem.

"Well, uh hmm, he's a kind man. And very strong too, physically I mean." She said 

"We met six months ago, he works as an attorney at a law firm" She continued. I noticed a change in her reaction when I asked about her husband, and that sudden reaction made me get more inquisitive and I decided to inquire further on that aspect.

"Do you love your husband Mrs. Grace?" I asked in a polite manner 

There was a pause before she decided to respond, more like she had to think about it first. "Yes, I love my husband very much," she said briefly 

She's lying. She just looked away from my direction towards the window again 

I wasn't sure if I should press further or if that might trigger a sudden uneasiness in her, but I needed to know. 

"Do you think he represents a fatherly figure?"

"I wasn't exactly looking for a father figure when we met'" She said while contemplating something in her mind

"Then what were you looking for at that moment in time when you met him?"

"I guess, I just needed someone that could protect me 

Okay! She feels the need for masculine protection. Noted! I thought out loud.

"Protect you from what?" I asked

She didn't respond. She turned her head towards the window again. This time, I realized it had become a habit for her whenever she didn't want to respond to any of my questions. I became well aware of that, but I didn't want to put pressure on it. 

"Do you feel compatible with your husband, Grace?"

"I'm not sure what you mean?"

'Are you physically attracted to your husband?' I questioned 

'Isn't that the whole point of being married' she said

"That's true. But, what about mentally? Are you mentally compatible with your husband"

There was no response. She turned her head towards the window again as usual, but I had no reason to press further on that part, so I hesitated, trying to break down the barrier. But I failed at the attempt, and neither did she seem angry at the questions being asked. I couldn't read her facial expressions properly, nor could I tell what was on her mind from the way she stared back at me. It was just blank. I touched on every aspect I knew could reveal her insecurities, but she managed to evade them.

I grabbed a pen from my desk, and a journal I kept on my lap the whole time, I flipped a page open and wrote down all the possible questions that were left unanswered. I assumed these were the things that summed up what led her to me in the first place. I turned to look at her and she still had no expression on her face. I felt drawn towards her. Yet, I couldn't tell if it was out of pity or something else. 

 We talked about her background and her marriage throughout the whole session, and for most of that time, she showed the tendency to hold back some facts. She didn't disclose much information to me. However, she was neither uptight about the questions I asked nor did she show any sign of inconvenience. But then, I knew she was holding back. It was pretty obvious, and I could see it in her eyes. Her body language didn't tell me much, but her eyes did. And at that moment, I knew her to be an insecure woman.