August 2022

Lily sighs... something she does in an exaggerated manner when she wants my attention without directly asking me for it. Her silent instruction lingers in the air, gently guiding me. It's one of the many facets of Lily that I adore: her unwavering consistency. Today's sigh echoes tomorrow's, a mere breath that resounds, proclaiming "Adam, I need you." I love to be needed by her. She has always been a sovereign being, unbound by the need for anyone's input or approval. To be desired by her is a precious gift, a testament to the profound connection we share.

The light pours in through the windows illuminating her glistening brown eyes. With a graceful gesture, she sweeps her long, silky black hair to rest upon one shoulder. Freckles, like tiny constellations scattered across her skin, add a touch of ethereal charm to her visage. Each freckle is a unique star, lending her face a subtle and captivating allure. As if kissed by nature's whimsy, these speckles of warmth and innocence adorn her complexion, creating a tapestry of beauty that is uniquely hers.

 "My love..." she whispers, her voice is soft and comforting, "would you mind looking at these shelves? They seem crooked but maybe it's just my eyes struggling to adjust. I've been staring at these crystals for days trying to organize them."

"I think it's your head that's crooked, not the shelves." 

Her smile turns to a mischievous grin. With a hunched back, she shuffles towards me, resembling a zombie eagerly approaching its next feast of cerebral broth. She growls and says, "I'll show you a crooked head!" She runs and pounces onto my lap, pretending to bite my neck over and over like a starving vampire.

I pretend to die, letting my body go limp, slowly rolling both of us off the couch and onto the floor. Her goofy laugh is contagious, sending us both into spiraling laughter.

 "Ok, ok, you win! Your head isn't crooked... it's just not screwed on tight enough."

 "Adam, why are you like this?" She grins, rolls her eyes, and walks back to her beloved crystals.

 "I'll see if I can find a level and get these shelves fixed for you, my love."

This old cabin, Echoes Ridge, has been in her family for generations. It needs a lot more than a few level shelves. I've been working on this thing for years. We come here often, at Lily's request. I never cared for it all that much. Visiting the cabin means I turn into Mr. Fix-it. No matter how many times I fix something, by the time we come back it's somehow broken, cracked, crooked, and covered in dust again. Sometimes I convince myself that this place is cursed. 

I journey towards the shed nestled behind the cabin, greeted by the lingering fragrance of honeysuckle in the air. The last of the blooms gift me their aroma. I should remind Lily to collect the last of the blooms before it's too late. She's gifted in natural medicine. She knows a cure for every ailment one could acquire. 

The cobblestone walkway is almost completely covered in clover. I've wanted to clean it up and make it look like new again, but Lily insists that nature has a say-so in some of the decorations. If Lily can't make decisions about something she lets nature do it for her. 

As I approach the shed, I smell something... rancid? Another racoon must have gotten stuck in there while looking for shelter. I try to keep the shed free of vermin... something that seems impossible in these North Georgia mountains. Racoons, mice, and other pests are our neighbors, whether I like it or not. Lily calls them her "friends". Little Miss Snow White is always tossing out scraps to them. I sigh. I grab the shovel leaning against the door of the shed. I take a deep breath before opening the door, unsure of what I may find in there... gotta have some protection. Lily doesn't like guns, so I've had to learn to find comfort and protection in shovels and other yard tools. I can imagine the News Article now: "Grown man killed by bear while trying to protect himself with a gardening hose." 

The door is stuck again, I let out the deep breath I'd taken. "Goddamn it! Not again!" This door gets stuck on the cobblestone. I'll have to climb through the window to kick the door from the inside to get it unstuck. Rose bushes surround the sides of the shed, which means I must travel through thorns to get into the window. Lily is very protective of her rose buses, as she is with all over flowers... leaves... dirt... pretty much anything that nature has to offer. I reach over the bushes and pry the window open. The smell was so strong it took my breath away. I back away from the window, giving it a few moments to air out. Whatever is in there has been marinating in the Georgia heat a little too long. I pull my shirt up over my nose and brace myself for whatever I may find in there. I hop over the bushes and pull myself headfirst into the shed. 

Spiderwebs encompass me as the rest of my body makes way through the window. The smell is unbearable. I brush the spiderwebs out of my hair and off my shirt. I kick the door a few times to get it open. I can never seem to adjust the door so that it doesn't get stuck. I've fixed it at least 20 times now. I glance around for any dead animal that might be the source of the smell. Nothing. Just tools, spiderwebs, broken jars, and dust. I move some things around, looking for my level. I know it's in here somewhere. It's hard to find anything in the clutter of this old shed. The smell makes it difficult to think straight. There MUST be something dead in here. I shift things around some more, determined to find the source of the rancid odor. I check the shelves at the top, though I'm sure nothing could have made its way up there. It's so high up I have to stand on an empty paint can just to reach it with my fingertips. I don't store anything up there for that reason. I move my hands around up there, feeling for anything that fate might have left for me to find. 

Just about to give up, my hand brushes against something. Nervously, I stretch my arm out a little further to see what it is. I can't believe I'm blindly reaching for a rotten animal corpse. The smell breezes by my nose again, so strong it makes me dizzy. I step down from the paint can. I'll need something a little taller to reach whatever is up there. I grab the old crate box that Lily uses to store old jars in. I flip it over and put one foot on it, making sure it will support my weight. I'm not a big guy, 5'11 and 150 pounds after a big meal. I put both feet on the crate and reached for the shelf. I feel around again and my hand touches something wet. I quickly snatched my hand back. It's covered in what looks like black tar. The smell is unbearable. I start gagging and wipe my hand off on my jeans.

Whatever is up there must be dealt with, so I just have to get it over with. I reach up there, feeling around in the wet sticky black mess and I feel something. I grab what feels like fur and pull it down. A decapitated rabbit's head! "What the fuck!" 

I drop it onto the floor and fall off the crate, onto my back. 

"LILY!!!", I screamed, out of breath from falling. I stare at it for a moment, trying to make sense of what, why and how. It takes me a moment to realize that this isn't a normal rabbit head. It's been.... tampered with. The eyes are sewn shut and the mouth has some kind of herbs shoved into it. Knot weed? The black tar oozed from the neck like it was freshly decapitated. I hesitate to call it blood. This doesn't look like old blood. The smell is so bad, I can't stand to be near it anymore. I prop myself up on my hands and take a closer look at it. Everything arounds me falls into complete silence. 

The stitching on one of the eyes slowly unravels. It looks like something is moving inside and trying to come out. I realize I'm holding my breath. Despite feeling disgusted, I find myself unable to avert my gaze. I let out the breath I was holding. I crawl backwards a little bit before dizziness overcomes me and everything goes black. 

I call for Lily again.

Where is she? I stand up and walk to the water spicket by the shed to wash the black tar off my hands. I toss some water onto my face to help get my senses back in order. I walk back into the house, calling Lily's name. My chest tightens. It's not like her to ignore me. I take my pants off and toss them into the washer while still calling for her. The smell of the black tar on my pants is overwhelming. I pour detergent into the machine and cut it on. "LILY!" I called one last time before I started searching the house for her. 

Maybe she's in the basement. I walk to the end of the hallway to the basement door. I crack it open and called her name again. Silence.

I've searched everywhere for her. The house, the yard, the woods surrounding the house. I'm sick to my stomach. Dizziness overcomes me. I walk to the stream near the house to smoke a cigarette. Lily doesn't like for me to smoke but it's a habit I've yet to break over the years. I stand at the water's edge, smoking, staring at the tadpoles in the water. I ash my cigarette into the water, startling the tadpoles. 

I crouch down, taking a closer look at the little creatures that inhabit this old stream. I see my reflection in the ripples. I feel nothing but numbness. I stare at my reflection as I take another drag from my cigarette. I see a familiar reflection behind me. "Lily!" I dropped my cigarette butt and turned around quickly, relieved to see her…

But she isn't there. My heart starts racing again. I glance back down at the water. My cigarette butt now slowly floating down the ripples of the stream, the tadpoles startled by the polluted intruder of their home. I pull another cigarette out of my pocket. The smell of tobacco lingers beneath my nose and I place the filter to my lips. Before I can light it, a hand touches my shoulder. A familiar touch. I place my hand on top of hers for a few seconds before looking over my shoulder to see Lily. 

She looks tired, her eyes puffy from crying.

"I've been looking for you! I was so worried! Where have you been?" She sounded exhausted. 

"Lily, I've been wandering around looking for YOU."

"Adam, I've not seen you since you walked to the shed yesterday to get the tools to fix the shelf."

"Yesterday?!? It's only been a few minutes, an hour at best."

"NO, Adam... you've been missing for over 24 hours. I was about to call the sheriff." 

Has it really been over a day? It can't be! I swear it's only been a short while. 

"Lily... I don't know what to say. I went to the shed, smelled something awful, found a weird dead rabbit head, walked inside to find you, searched everywhere, and came to the creek to smoke. That's IT." 

The color drained from her face. "You found what in the shed?"

 "A dead rabbit's head. It was weird. I called for you, but you never came. That's when I started looking for you."

She looked upset, worried even. "Show me, please"

We walked to the shed together without speaking.

"It's gone. It was right here on the floor. I dropped it when I pulled it down from the top shelf." 

"Describe it to me as best you can, Adam."

"It was just a head, oozing black tar. The eyes were sewn shut. The mouth was stuffed with what looked like knotweed." 

Lily quickly ran back to the house, without saying a word.

"Lily! What the fuck is going on???" My stomach felt queasy again. I ran inside right behind her. The washing machine is open, and the pants are gone. "Did you grab my pants out of the washer? I tossed them in there, but they're gone now" 

"Adam, what are you talking about?? You're wearing the same pants you were wearing yesterday. Just come with me."

We walk down the hallway and through the basement door. The dizziness hits me again. I can barely walk straight. "Adam, are you okay???" My knees buckle and I fall the rest of the way down the stairs.

"Adam!" 

I can hear her voice, but it sounds so far away. I feel water hitting my face. It felt like water, anyhow. It doesn't smell like it. I can smell that putrid odor again. I started to panic. I can feel the sticky black rabbit tar again. It's rolling down my cheeks. I start to gain consciousness again. Why is she rubbing that nasty shit on my face??? I grabbed her wrist hard, pulling her head away from my face. "What the fuck are you doing to me?" She looks scared now, her brown eyes wide open, frozen.

 "Let my hand go, Adam. What's wrong with you??? It's just water!"

I rub my hand across my face, expecting to see black tar on it. She's right. It's just water.

"I was washing your face, trying to wake you back up. You fell down the stairs. I'm really worried about you, Adam." 

"I smelled it again, the dead rabbit. I felt it on me. On my face."

 "It's just water infused with bay leaves. It'll help you clear your mind."

"I don't need your stupid herbs, Lily. I need to know what the fuck is going on with me."

She got up and walked to her indoor herb garden. Silence.

"Lily, I didn't mean that. I'm just --"

"You're just tired. You need to rest. Go lay down, I'll be up in a few minutes with something to eat. You haven't eaten in over a day now. You're delirious." 

"Maybe you're right. I must have bumped my head when I fell off that crate in the shed." I rubbed my head, noting that I did have a knot on the back of it. I must have hit it on the cobblestone. I stood up, still a little dizzy. I walk up to Lily and hug her from behind. "I love you."

"I love you too. Now, go rest."

I walk up the stairs, holding on tight to the railing. Still dizzy. I walk to the fridge to get a cold glass of ice water. While filling up the glass I glance outside. It's getting dark already. This early? I look at the clock. 6:49PM.

"Adam, I thought I told you to rest! The stew is almost done. I'll bring it to you in bed."

 "Stew?" I take a deep whiff of the air around me. I can smell the potatoes and carrots. "How long have I been standing here?"

 "I'm not sure. I put on the stew and went back to the basement to make you some herbal tea to help you sleep. Are you okay? You're starting to scare me." 

I can feel my heart pounding. What's wrong with me? Why am I losing entire blocks of time? Lily gently grasps my hand, guiding me to the sanctuary of our bedroom, urging me to rest. She brings me stew and tea and tucks me in. She lays her cold hand against my forehead.

"You're burning up with fever."

She looks worried. Her worry makes me worry even more. Lily, typically devoid of worry, entrusts her herbs to bear the weight of such burdens. Before I can even take a bite of my stew, I drift to sleep.

I wake abruptly, as if someone snatched me right out of sleep. I can feel a panic attack setting in. Where's Lily? It's dark, I move my hands around the bed, feeling for her. She never came to bed. "Lily! You coming to bed, love!?!?" 

Nothing.

I yell a little louder for her, "LILY!" 

Nothing. She must be in the basement again. What time is it? I glance at my watch. 3:04am. She should have come to bed hours ago. I ease out of bed, sliding into my house slippers. I toss my robe over my clothes. It's so cold in the house. Too cold for this time of year. As I ease out of our bedroom, I can see my breath as I breathe. The house is so silent I can hear the blood rushing through my veins. I walk down the hallway towards the basement.

"Adam"

I heard my name whispered softly.

"Lily?" I feel some relief.

 "Adam", it calls me again.

 "Lily, this isn't funny, love. I'm really not feeling well."

 "ADAM", it screams so loudly I feel as if my eardrums are going to explode.

 "Lily, if you're paying me back for that shelf comment I made the other day, you win. Now come out. I'm really having a panic attack right now."

 I stand in the dark for a few seconds, listening. Listening for footsteps, noise, anything. I make my way to the basement door. The handle is ice cold. I slowly ease it open. Careful not to startle Lily if she's down there. "Lily?"

"Adam, what are you doing out of bed?"

 "What am I doing OUT of bed? Why aren't you IN bed? It's 3am. Were you messing with me a few minutes ago? Yelling my name to scare me?"

 "What are you talking about? I've been down here since you went to bed. I'm working on something that may help you feel a little better." 

"I think I may still have a fever; it's freezing cold upstairs."

 Lily walks to me and lays her soft, warm hand against my forehead. 

"It feels like your fever is broken, actually. Let's get you back to bed. You may just be feeling a little wonky because you're dehydrated from the fever. Let's get you some water and tuck you back into bed. I'll make you some simple chamomile tea with honey. I know it's your favorite." 

"You really know how to make a man feel loved. I don't know what I'd do without you, Lily."

 "Well now you just sound delirious. You REALLY need some sleep."

 We both chuckled.

 Walking up the stairs from the basement felt like climbing Mt. Everest. Each step I took got colder and colder.

 "Lil, was there a cold snap coming through or something. There's no way the house should be this cold, even with a fever. I can see my breath."

 "The thermostat is set to 72. I'm not sure why you're feeling so cold, but it feels fine in here to me."

 "I think I may need to go to the doctor if this doesn't get better. I'm really not feeling well" I can feel myself start sweating, my shirt now sticking to my hot skin.

"If you're not feeling better by sunrise, I'll give the doctor a call and set an appointment for you. You know they don't like making house calls this far into the mountains."

"Tell me again why your family decided to build this cabin in the middle of bumfuck backwoods Georgia?" 

Lily rolls her eyes at me. She takes my robe off and tugs at the bottom of my shirt. 

"Take this off and I'll grab you a fresh shirt out of the dryer. You might feel more comfortable with some fresh clothes before lying down." I take my shirt off and toss it into the washer. I'd hate for her to have to touch my sweat-soaked shirt. I already feel guilty for not being able to spend any time with her the past few days. I put on the clean shirt she handed me. It smells like fresh Snapdragons. Lily likes to collect Snapdragons in the fall to make laundry soap. 

I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Trying to make sense of the past few days. Something feels off. I just can't put my finger on it. Was it something I ate? A cold? Infection? 

Lily arrives just in time, interrupting my obsessive rumination. I could smell the Chamomile from a mile away. I take a few sips, giving her the "orgasm" eyes, rolling them around in my head. She smiles a crooked smile and her cheeks blush. My eyes feel heavy. 

"Thank you, love. Now climb in bed with me so I can sleep properly."

She climbs into the bed and lays her head on my chest as I sip the last of my tea. I place the cup down on the bedside table, wrap my arms around her, and my eyes slam shut like they weigh a thousand pounds each.

Cold water drips onto my face, jolting me awake. I was dreaming. I haven't dreamed so vividly in years. It felt as if I wasn't in my own body anymore. I wipe the sleep out of my eyes and the water off my face. I look up. I see the Crepe Myrtle directly above me. Dew must have fallen from her blooms. I'm near the koi pond. How did I get here? Sleepwalking again?

I stumbled to my feet. The panic attack is making itself at home in my chest again. Lily must be consumed by a profound sense of unease by now. What time is it? I glance at my watch. 3:04am. The battery must be dead. Convenient. At least I'm not far from the house. I grab a bundle of flowers from the tree. It's the least I can do since I surely put Lily through hell today.

"Lily!" I call her as loud as I can. My voice is hoarse. I don't have the vocal energy to call her name a second time. I pass the shed as I make my way to the house. The smell is malodorous.

"Adam!" I hear my name called.

"Lily?" I turn towards the thick forest to my left.

"Adam!" 

I take a few steps towards the tree line. "Lily? What are you doing?"

"Adam!"

The voice sounded like Lily but not quite her. I take a few steps closer. Everything is…silent. No birds singing. The trees are no longer swaying. The sound of my heart pounding seemed to echo into the thick brush. I took a few steps back. Something is wrong. There's a predator nearby. I take a few slow steady steps backwards. I feel my foot brush against the shovel beside the shed. I reach down and slowly pick it up. The panic sends waves of heat through my extremities.

 "ADAM!", it screams. This is clearly not Lily. It sounds like it's only a few feet away. I glance around me. I see nothing.

 "Adam, please! Adam stop, you're hurting me!", the voice screamed in Lily's voice. How the fuck is this happening. Where is Lily? I dropped the shovel and ran up the path and into the house. 

"Lily! Where are you?!?" I ran down the hallway, checking the bedroom and bathroom on my way to the basement door. "Lily! Where the fuck are you?" I grab the handle to the basement door. It's locked. She never locks this door. I grab the handle and wiggle it back and forth a few more times. I kick the door. "Lily! Open the goddamn door! What the fuck is going on?!?" 

"Adam?"

I quickly turn around and there she is, staring at me like she just saw a ghost. 

"Adam, what are you doing? You're scaring me!" 

"What am I doing? I've been calling you and you weren't answering me, and I couldn't find you!"

"Adam, you've been in bed all day. I just stepped out of the bedroom to get you a fresh cold towel to help the fever. You never called my name, not until you started assaulting the basement door…" 

"Why is the door locked?" 

"It's not…"

I reach out and turn the doorknob… it opens.

"Lily, I am so sorry. This fever must really be frying my brain. I don't really know what to say. What time is it?"

"It's 6pm. You slept all night and most of the day. You'll be okay, love. The doctor will be calling in a few hours. If you need medicine, I'll make a trip to town for you. Go back to bed. I'll have some lunch ready soon. Rabbit cacciatore."

6pm? I really slept that long? My back is killing me. Burning, actually.

"Lily, can you take a look at my back? It's burning. I'm worried I may have come across some poison Ivy or something while I was sleepwalking."

She gently lifts my shirt and says nothing for a few seconds.

"Lily? What's it lookin' like back there?"

"I don't see anything. You must just be sore from laying in the bed so long."

 She rubs her hands gently across the skin on my back.

 "You don't remember me leaving the house at all today?"

 "Adam... stop worrying so much. You're gonna be fine. Your anxiety is causing you more problems than this fever."

 I pull my shirt back down over my back and crawl into bed.

 "I'm sure you're right, my love. You always are."

 I shoot her a smirk and blow her a kiss. She grins, rolls her eyes, and shuts the bedroom door.

 I doze off for what feels like a few minutes at a time before the pain in my back jolts me awake. I can't get comfortable. The doctor must have called by now. I ease out of bed, hoping some movement might loosen up my back muscles a little bit. Maybe she's right, maybe I've just been in bed too long. I cut the shower on, letting the steam overtake the entire room. It's nice to feel the warmth on my once clammy skin. I climbed into the shower and the water hit my back. I fell to my knees. It's excruciating! "Fuck!"

 I immediately climb out of the showers and dry myself off. I turned to look at my back in the mirror. The black tar is all over my back almost like it's been painted on with a brush. There are painted symbols, but I don't recognize any of them other than the one shaped vaguely like a rabbit. 

What is happening to me? Why didn't Lily see this earlier when I asked her to look? 

"Lily!" 

I walk out of the bathroom and into the hallway. It's so cold again. Why is it so cold??? The panic attack starts bubbling to the surface again. Why is this happening? The doctor was supposed to call but Lily never even tried to wake me. I walk down the hallway towards the basement door. Locked, again! I knocked on the door and yelled for her. Nothing. The house is so quiet, the knocks seem to echo from every wall without disruption. 

I walk back down the hallway, into the kitchen. She was supposed to be cooking something for dinner, though I can't quite remember what. It doesn't even smell like she has been cooking. I opened the oven and immediately let it slam shut. "What the fuck was that???" I slowly open the oven once more, holding my breath this time to avoid the smell. 

A whole rabbit, oozing black tar from its eyes, is sitting in a roasting pan. Some kind of herb is shoved into its mouth, similar to the rabbit in the shed. The oven doesn't even feel warm. I reach for the pan and the rabbit jumps out and hops past me. The oven door slams shut, echoing through the house like a bomb.

Where did the rabbit go??? I glance around the room and frantically start searching for it. The front door is slightly ajar. I slowly take a few steps towards the door and peep outside.

The rabbit. It's just sitting there on the porch, black tar dripping from its eyes, herbs still in its mouth. Belladonna, it looks like. Why would Lily be using such a dangerous herb???

The rabbit sat still for a few moments then bolted towards the forest. It stops just at the tree line.

 "ADAM!", I hear my name called from the forest again. I don't understand what is happening to me.

 I yell, "Lily, is that you?!?" 

Silence. 

The rabbit was still sitting at the tree line, looking in my direction. I take a few more steps towards the thick patch of trees. The smell is back. The smell that was in the shed. I hear nothing. No wind, no trees swaying, nothing. 

I have never felt so alone, yet it feels like hundreds of eyes are staring right at me. 

I'm sweating, my heart pounding.

An overwhelming sense of dread washes over my body.

I'm dizzy. I take a few steps towards the tree line before collapsing to the ground.

The sound of beeping radiates through my head. It's pounding. Where is that noise coming from? I open my eyes to blinding lights. Am I in a hospital? The beeping continues. Monitors connect to my chest and head.

"Adam!"

A familiar voice. My brother Joel. 

"Joel... where's Lily? How did I get here? What's going on?"

 "I think you should take a few minutes to wake up good before we talk..."

 His gaze avoids meeting mine. I know my brother all too well. 

 "Joel, don't give me that bullshit. Tell me what's going on." 

"I tried to call and neither of you were answering. After 3 days I called Mr. Georgie at the hardware store near the cabin and asked if he'd seen either of you. He said Lily mentioned to his wife that you were sick while she was in town getting some groceries. I started to worry that maybe Lily had gotten sick as well and when neither of you were answering I assumed the worst. I sent the sheriff out there on a well check and he found you passed out in the shed with a fever. He brought you to the city hospital, which is where you've been for 4 days now. Adam... we can't find Lily. She wasn't at the house when you were found. There's not a lot of community involvement in finding her since most of the town is scared to prowl around in those mountains. I'm not sure what else to do but keep looking and hope that we find her."

My heart feels like it's crushing within my chest. I can't breathe. I rip the IV out of my arm and try to stand.

 "Adam, lay back down! We can deal with this after you rest for a while. I promise I'll help you find her."

He grabs my face with his hands, and I start to sob. I fall into his chest, and he wraps his arms around me. My brother was always emotionally available when the world needed him...

...and I have always been my brother's world. 

"How could this happen, Joel? She would have never run away or left without telling someone." I sit back down on the bed. "Will you toss me my clothes, please? I need to get back to the cabin. You know good and damn well I'm not going to sit in this hospital while she's possibly out there hurt, lost, or worse." 

He tosses my clothes onto the bed. "Kid, I just grabbed you an outfit from the dryer." 

"Nice! I was worried I'd have to wear dirty clothes home... or worse... this hospital gown." 

"Adam... you're a dumbass." 

My brother brings that out in me... dumbassery. Even in the darkest of times he brings a light into the tunnel.

We were in the foster care system together most of our childhood. He is a few years older than I am. I don't remember what life was like without Joel, but I'm sure he has memories of life without me. He took care of me. Not just physically, as one would assume. Emotionally. Joel seemed to always know me. What I was thinking, feeling, hoping. We ran away together as teenagers. He aged out of the system and I refused to be anywhere but by his side. I was with Joel when I first met Lily. 

Lily's family came down from the mountains for weeks at a time and stayed in town. Lily liked to walk the creek beds near the same area Joel took me to look for arrowheads. Joel seemed to know everyone in town. Even Lily. I spent all of my time with Joel. I never understood how he had time to become so acquainted with everyone. Strangers to me were natural friends to Joel. 

Lily captivated me. Of course, most girls were captivating when I was a teenager. The first time I saw her was at the creek bed. She was sitting on a rock with her feet in the water, letting the snails perch on her legs. Joel saw me staring and nudged me with his shoulder in her direction. Another one of those moments when I felt like Joel could read my mind. I elbowed him in the side and Lily looked in our direction and laughed. Joel yelled to her "I've found the lost puppy you were looking for!" and shoved me in her direction. Lily yelled back "that's not the one I was looking for but I think I like him better!" I could feel my face burning in embarrassment. 

"This is Adam, my brother."

Lily stood up from the rock she was sitting on, gently placing the snails back onto the rocks they call home. 

She walked up to me and smiled. "Adam… like Adam and Eve? You don't look like you're stealing apples from any forbidden trees."

I blushed, "I would steal an apple for you." Why would I say something so stupid? I've never been one to smooth talk the girls. That was Joel's specialty.

Joel laughed and walked back up the creek bed a few yards, giving me and Lily some privacy to talk.

"Well, Mr. Adam… thief of the apples… wanna watch the tadpoles with me?"

"Sure, what are we watching them do?"

"Tadpoles aren't circus creatures. We don't watch them do tricks. We just watch them exist." She rolled her eyes with a smirk on her face and grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the rocks she was once perched upon.

Joel slowly turns onto my road. A two mile long, curvy dirt road. The trees cast over the car, leaving no light to reach the open windows. I close my eyes, letting the cool breeze rush across my flushed skin. The fever left me with a rash across my cheeks. The doctors didn't know where the fever came from. My bloodwork was normal. They think that it could have been some kind of infection that my body just struggled to get rid of.

As we pull into the driveway, I see the sheriff right behind us, emerging from the dust left behind. 

Joel parks at the end of the driveway. Sheriff Larson emerges from the settling dust, walking towards us. He takes his hat off and lowers his gaze towards the ground. " Adam, I'm real sorry to hear about Lily. She's a backbone of this little Appalachian community. I knew her mama and grandmama real well. We're gonna keep lookin' but you know nobody likes comin' into this side of the mountain. Too much folklore has traveled around in these woods." 

"I know. I know. Lily never let those old stories stop her from visiting her home, though. She knows these woods better than she knows herself. There's no way she could have gotten lost in them. These mountains are part of her." 

Joel walks up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. "I really wish I could stay with ya man, but Tara needs help with the kids and she's still recovering from having the baby." 

"It's all good, brother. I'm going to look around and see if maybe she left a note somewhere inside the house." 

Joel wraps his arms around me, squeezing me tight. "I'll be back to check on you soon. I just need to get everyone settled in at home."

"Joel, go take care of your family. If anything changes, I'll give you a call."

We say our goodbyes and the dust once again fills the air as his taillights disappear in the thick cloud. 

Sheriff Larson pats my back a few times and sighs. "We've got more search and rescue volunteers out of Georgia comin' tomorrow to see if they can find anything in the woods west of the cabin. It's so thick out there we had to get in touch with a special unit to help clear some brush for visibility. We won't bother the land too much, just enough to give us better chances of finding her." 

"I appreciate all the help you've been, Sheriff. I'm sorry I've not been coherent enough to help... I just..." 

"Don't even worry about it, kid", he interrupts me, "get some rest. I'll see you in the mornin'. Maybe she'll show up between now and then." 

Dust encompasses me as the sheriff pulls down the driveway. I stand there, unable to move for a moment. I feel so alone for the first time in ages. Desolate. I can feel the pressure building up behind my eyes. A sob breaks out of me like a river breaking through a dam. I drop to my knees, my face falling into my hands. I feel nothing but sorrow and helplessness. 

I bring myself back to my feet. I collect myself as I walk past my truck and up the stairs to the porch. I look around briefly for anything odd or out of place. I feel a little silly, believing I may find something that the sheriff didn't. 

I open the door. It's so cold inside the house I can see my breath. There's no way the thermostat was cut this low. I close the door behind me and walk down the hallway to see the thermostat is off. It must have frozen up since no one was here to tend to it. I check the kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom. I see nothing out of the ordinary other than the dust is significantly worse than normal. And "normal" isn't necessarily all spick and span. This place has always been a dust magnet. 

I walk down the hallway towards the basement door. Grief looms over me again like a thousand-pound blanket. I grab the handle and take a few deep breaths. I open the door and the smell hits me like a ton of bricks. That same smell from the shed. I hear something scuttering around. I pull my shirt up over my nose and step all the way down into the basement. I cut the light on and glanced around. Many of her jars are open, some knocked over and spilled onto the ground. My heart starts to pound. She must have been struggling. She has never made a mess out of her space like this. 

I take a few more steps towards the center of the room, my foot slips out from under me, and I hit the ground. Dizzy from the fall, I try to stand up. My hand slips. What is all over the floor???

 The black tar. It's all over the floor and some of her tables.

 I hear the scuttering again and I stay completely still. All I hear is my heart pounding and faint scraping sounds. I look around again, now scanning the areas I couldn't see very well while I was standing. I see them. 

Eyes. Hiding just behind a large jar of chamomile. I slowly rise to my feet again and reach for the broom near the stairs. I take a few steps towards the jar and a rabbit bolts out of the shadows, hops around me, and bolts up the stairs. I drop the broom and fall backwards into a bunch of boxes Lily had piled in the corner. I collect my senses and run up the stairs and down the hall, following the black tar paw prints left by the rabbit. The prints lead out the front door, which is now wide open. 

I glance around the yard, searching for the paw prints again. I caught a glimpse of them near the shed. I follow them around the side of the shed. They end abruptly at the tree line as if the rabbit disappeared out of thin air.

I take a few steps into the tree line, and everything is silent again. The trees aren't even moving. I look up towards the crown of the maples. The red, purple, and yellow leaves stand perfectly still as if someone had just painted them into thin air. I close my eyes and take a deep breath in through my nose. As I let out the breath through my mouth I hear twigs snapping. I quickly return to reality. I open my eyes and standing about fifty feet ahead of me is the rabbit. The same rabbit I saw before I woke up in the hospital. A strong sense of dread washed over my body again. I turned and ran back to the cabin. Something isn't right. I lock the doors and search through every room in the house, top to bottom. I found a box pushed into the back corner of Lily's side of the closet. It's full of old photos, books, jars, and small containers of liquid. I toss everything back in the box and shove it back into the closet. A trip down Lily's memory lane isn't on my agenda.

As days pass, hope to find Lily runs thin. Not many people actually showed up to help. Everyone is scared to be in this part of the mountains. I never really felt afraid of them until now. Any environment Lily was in felt like it was safe. The sense of fear reminded me that Lily isn't here. I sit on the edge of the bed, thinking. I never really questioned what people were so afraid of about these mountains. Lily always brushed it off like it was just crazy talk. I lean back onto the bed and close my eyes. I am so exhausted. Nothing makes sense. The days feel like they were lived without me. I barely remember the last interaction I had with her. It's all a blur. Once more, tears start to well up in my eyes. One by one, they slip past my eyelids and find solace on my cheeks. I don't bother wiping them away. More will just follow. I crawl under the blankets and lay my head on her pillow. I inhale deeply, savoring her fragrance. It doesn't take long to drift into a deep sleep. A sleep I had not intended to take. My body and mind are exhausted. I feel lost.

I dreamed for the first time in a long time. In my dream, I encountered the rabbit, the same one from the shed. My hands were stained with blood, and my surroundings were unfamiliar. I only recall standing at the edge of a wooded area, gazing down at a clearing in the forest. The rabbit occupied the center of the field, its stitched-up eyes slowly coming undone. I heard Lily's murmurs, but her words were unintelligible, as though she spoke a unique language known only to her. I remained still, rooted to the spot. The rabbit started hopping in my direction, and Lily's whispers grew louder. The rabbit stopped just a few inches from my feet. The skin started melting off of the rabbit as if it were on fire. It started writhing and screaming in pain. I couldn't move. I felt something tug on my back, pulling my shirt. Then I woke up. 

Covered in sweat, I stumble to my feet. I look at the clock. 10:38am… the following morning. I slept well over 12 hours. I check my phone, 6 missed calls, all from Joel. This can wait until I've had my coffee. I'm tired of coffee. I miss Lily's tea. I miss her voice, her smell, her smile. Being here is insufferable right now. I'm scared that if I leave and she comes back, she will feel like I gave up on her. Nevertheless, enduring this place is incredibly agonizing. I'll stay for another week, then I'll go back to our home in town. Maybe a fresh perspective on this would be good for both of us. When I'm in this cabin, all I can think about is missing her. 

I tidy up the cabin to burn off some anxious energy. I'm still not used to the silence that encompasses this place. Occasionally, I put on vintage records just to shatter the stillness. Everything reminds me of Lily. When I shut my eyes, it's as if she's standing right before me, akin to the lingering sweetness on the tongue, reminiscent of honeysuckle nectar. Missing her is painful.