Chapter 2

"Look at her perfect little toes, her perfect little fingers and all that hair!" She is only 30 minutes old and he is besotted with her already. Joonie is sitting on a chair in the corner of our room, holding our little bundle in his large arms, already fiercely protecting her. I know he is going to be a phenomenal father. The look of love towards her from him is making my hormones act up and I feel like bursting into tears.

The doctor has finished with me having safely delivered the afterbirth and everything has been tidied up and cleaned down in a super efficient way like most things in this country. It's just me now that needs to shower and put on some fresh clothes. I tentatively walk over to my cabinet to collect my bag and as I walk past my pair of human perfection I kiss my Daughters forehead and then my Husbands lips. "Will you two be ok for a bit whilst I go and freshen up?" He nods, gently humming a melody to her and stroking her puffy little cheek.

When people tell you about having babies they always say that the minute they are born your whole perspective on the world changes and to a degree I agree with that. I still view the world the same, but she is now my priority, she comes 1st before anyone else, even Joonie. I felt an overwhelming outpouring of love looking at her for the first time that I wasn't expecting.

I had been monitored very closely during the pregnancy because of my previous bout of depression. I was concerned that I wouldn't feel anything, I had read that some women had no bond with their children from right at the start. I had gotten a little overcome at points with worry that I was going to be a bad Mum and make my child feel how I had at points in my life. In the end I just had to promise myself that I would take one day at a time, ask for help if I felt I needed it and just love them. That would have to be enough. Everything else would come with time and experience.

The shower feels great. I had sweated quite badly for a long 36 hours in the lead up to pushing, my hair was greasy and the nightie I was wearing has just gone straight in the bin. I wash my hair, clean my body and notice that my once hard bump is now just a floppy mass of skin covered in stretch marks. My boobs had swollen a fair bit during the last few months, and they are only going to get worse as my milk comes in. I hate to think the size they will end up. So far Joonie hasn't complained about the fullness of them, and I think he found me more attractive whilst I was pregnant, I mean our sex life definitely was not hindered, other than I was less flexible. There were points when it felt like nothing I had ever felt before. My vagina was much more sensitive inside and out, my hormones racing made his touch feel so much more electric and my emotions were heightened so a few times I cried after but couldn't tell him why.

Once I feel clean enough I get out of the shower and have to immediately sit on the toilet as the bleeding after a baby is heavier than a regular period. I dry my body, and wrap my hair in a towel. I search through my bag for a pair of huge knickers and a special pad. Once I have that sorted I flush the toilet and stand up to look in the mirror. I look very tired. I could do with some sleep. Again, I rifle through my bag to find a bra, a special one designed for breastfeeding, a pair of leggings and a shirt and throw them on. I brush my hair and whilst I am looking for my deodorant I find a little box with a ribbon around it. I didn't pack this, what is it?

I undo the ribbon and pull the top of the box off of the bottom. There is a note sitting on top saying 'You are my eternity'. I move the note and there is a gorgeous ring staring back at me. It's silver with pink diamonds like my engagement and wedding rings and made to fit perfectly alongside them on my finger. He is far too cute, and still gets a little embarrassed by it, hence why he has hidden it in my bag for me to find rather than give it to me himself. I put it on and as intended it sits perfectly with the other 2.

I feel like a human again, and although I look tired, I don't look as bad as I thought I would. I make my way back to our room and Namjoon is asleep. He has been awake just as long as me, and I don't feel bad he has nodded off. Our little cherub is back in her hospital provided crib and is starting to look like she is getting fussy. She had already been cleaned up and put in an outfit with a matching little hat, both white with little grey elephants on them. As I pick her up, the nurse pops her head in and asks if I would like to try and feed her now. I agree and she comes in to help. I unbutton my shirt and pull down the left side of my bra. We place a pillow on my lap and lay the baby on her side positioned towards my nipple. She nuzzles me for a minute and then latches on. It is the weirdest feeling, but absolutely amazing all at the same time.

After she has fed a little, the nurse shows me how to wind her and then lays her back down for me and suggests I get a little sleep. She puts a blanket over Joonie and turns the lights down to a nicer dim setting. I tuck my legs under the covers on the bed and lean back onto the pillow and I am out like a light.