Chapter 2. "Time froze."

2016?

I don't recall much about this year in particular, you know?

Not overly eventful from what I do recall.

I will have to sit and think on it...

What WAS memorable? 

I still didn't have a kid just yet. 

I was 27 and eager lol.

Eager to settle down and just be happy with a good woman and a child or two.

I was ready.

I was over the idea of dating, longing for, and looking for love. 

I was only getting older, and my then-partner didn't seem very keen on being a parent any time soon.

That sucked.

A lot.

But alas, I was so deeply in love at that time that I would never have thought about just looking for someone who was more of like-mindedness. 

Maybe I should have.

Maybe I should have thought about myself a bit more in my youth, but I would probably do it all the same if given the opportunity.

We all like to think that we would change things if we could.

We do.

But you know what?

I think that we are all cowards in that way because we would not. 

And that's okay.

I am 35.

Life is strange, you know?

But it is beautiful.

Especially if you get the blessing of having a child.

Don't let that go to waste folks.

Many of us don't have that.

Enjoy.

-----

December 21st, 2016.

-----

Hmm.

I had a random thought today.

As I walked home from XXXXX's house.

I think a lot when I smoke.

Even if it's just a little.

I don't have any kids.

It's a random notion that I really don't understand. 

And it kinda hurts that I've made it this far without setting down -an- anchor and starting a family...

When I was 16/17 back in 2005/06 I had an entirely different view on life.

My high school days were some of the best and worst and craziest days of my life.

Even up till this point (my time, not yours.)

There are many stories but not all of them are linked directly to the subject. 

Keep reading kid, I can assure you that there is some crazy shit ahead. -here, a face with a wink was drawn.-

During my sophomore year, I met a girl named XXXXX.

XXXXX XXXXX

Yeah...I know.

It was just as bad as her name sounds. 

I remember walking into the classroom on the first day of school.

I always hated the first days of school...it was like fashion week, and I nearly ALWAYS had hand-me-downs. 

Clothes that were either a little bigger than I needed...or a little smaller than was socially acceptable.

I found a seat that was far enough away from anyone that I either didn't know or like.

But sadly that didn't include her apparently. 

As the teacher spoke, I kept feeling someone look at me.

I turned my head to the right and seen her.

More like caught her staring. 

I don't recall the conversation but we had some sort of chemistry, and I can't tell you why because at that point (and probably in your timeline) I didn't find African American women attractive.

I've always been a rebel, and society always pushed the image that Black people could and should only date Black people...

I never fell into that idea.

I guess in my rebellion I found more and more over time that I just never had an attraction to the people of my race.

Till that point.

She was different.

She listened to every type of music under the sun.

She had red and black and purple hair.

She was loud, and edgy, and blunt, and drank, and smoked, and popped pills, and was the center of the group...

And our relationship lasted about a month. 

One other point I'd like to make is that you have to beware who you let into your heart.

The world is full of amazing people with black hearts, and horrible people with hearts of gold.

Or just assholes who pretend to be one thing, and you come to find that they wee just really good actresses or actors...

Yeah.

Just come ask me about her lol.

Anyway.

We ended up breaking up due to many stories that I'm sure you will either read about or hear from me personally over coffee or tea or wine or Appleton State Spiced Run and Coke.

(Cough* Cough*)

One day -after having not seen her for some time, we decided to hang out and talk.

As we sat on the edge of my bed she turned to me and told me that she was pregnant.

Time froze...

As you can imagine, my heart sank into my stomach.

I couldn't move my body.

I couldn't think of anything outside of how I would tell my mom...

Then it hit me.

The first crack in my armor (maybe the 2nd or 3rd) and from that crack came a weird, soft growing sense of pride.

Pride that one of my goals was being achieved.

Pride that I was going to be a father.

There were not many other points in my life where I had been so happy.

I had been so happy. 

I felt her heartbeat through her hands that I still held as the words fell from her mouth.

We had talked about a kid when we were together.

Alexandria.

Her name would be Alex.

I could feel the tears swell at the base of my eyes.

And then she finished the sentence.

She said:

"I'm pregnant...(insert my long story)...but don't worry, It's not yours..."

I fell into my own head.

Her hands had become like stone, cold and heavy in my own hands.

I let go, I helped her gather her things...and I walked her to the bus stop.

We never really spoke much after that. 

For the best.

The moment that I had that...

That belief that I was going to be a father.

I was very, very happy...

I know that by now I have at least one kid, and I will give you the world.

Or at least all that I can possibly give...

I've waited for you to be born for so long.

And even as I write this entry -at 27 years old- I wait.

I have a lot of stories to give, and a lot of love.

I've been saving it.

-Dad.

-----

Where do I start?

-The first XXXXX is a good friend of mine who is still quite active in my life. He is a really good guy, if not a bit emotionally immature. 

A story for another time lbvs.

-I tend to think too much or overthink in general, so weed making my brain go a bit crazy isn't beyond me lol.

-I remember her having a pretty common first name, but her last was quite humorous. She would not be happy to read this, but I don't think that this is her type of reading lol. She was so very chaotic in opposition to me who was -and still am- quite balanced.

I was in love with it, all of it and all of her.

Until I wasn't lol

-Back when I was 20 years younger, I had my fair share of negative experiences with the women of my own race. These were typically situations that had me deal with the most stereotypic "ghetto" women that I possibly could have imagined lbvs, and that inspired within me the lack of love that I had developed.

I hate that soooooooo much.

The world and media can be dangerously good at casting an illusion of what they want you to see, you know?

And I am rather ashamed to admit that this younger version of myself was very much caught up in the idea that Black people had so much anger and negativity about them...the idea that Black women are naturally aggressive and always mad or upset.

That notion and concept are both despicable and should be forced from the minds of our growing youth.

But who am I to say thus?

Who am I but one man?

I love ALL women.

As it should be.

They are the gateway to this planet.

The means by which we all find life.

If you are reading this kid...if you somehow exist out there...

Respect all women. 

Always.

This world is shitty and bitter enough, we don't need anymore hurt people to hurt people.

-Yeah...so that one wasn't mine.

Life, right? I was not nearly as ready -at 16/17- as I like to imagine that I was lmao. 

So no, she isn't your mother. You would be...going on 20 this year!

I was sooooo afraid of what my mom would do/say more than anything else! 

My mom -like most if not ALL Black mothers- did not play!

She would have beaten the Black off of me for sure, but I would have then been a very happy, proud, white father! lmao. 

-The child's name was chosen by me. The mother would never admit this even to this day, but we had a conversation about baby names while we were together, and I had always loved the name Alexander or Alexandria should it be a girl.

And so it was that a girl would be born.

It was also so that she was not mine lbvs.

Such is life.

-It's kind of wild that at 27 years old, I had assumed that by my current age -36 soon- I would have a child.

I was wrong lol.

I honestly thought that I would have a kid around 30 at the latest...

I was wrong about that as well! 

If you -yes you kid- find yourself reading this someday, come find me and show me. 

That aught to be interesting lol.

Maybe It'll happen still.

Who can say?

Until then, I suppose this small group of readers will have to do.

See ya'll back here soon enough.

If you haven't been scared off yet that is lol.

Safe travels.

-Redd.