Sighs in the Darkness

I lay awake late into the night, thoughts closed off and distant. Vague images flutter around the periphery of my waking dreams, none of which warrant any immediate consideration. I feel calm as I listen to the welcome silence embracing the household while each of its occupants succumb to weary slumber or the stupor induced by cheap liquor. There had been no fighting today. No raised voices ricocheting off the silverware, no words turning the air blue. Perhaps they are right. Perhaps a change of scenery is all this family needs to leave all the tumult of the past couple of years behind. To start afresh. To look into each other's eyes without guilt or accusation or longing for what might have been.

I sigh softly as I conjure up the pictures of my family as they once were; pictures that have turned misty over the long months of suffering, blurred by the tears that tore us apart. There are so many hazy moments; it is difficult to process them all. I reach out and hold on to one of them and turn my attention to the details. A Sunday picnic, a lunch basket mom had carefully put together, her easy smile that reached her hazel eyes, prickly green grass that hurt my bare feet, my little sisters laughter, her shrieks as dad threw her into the air, everyone laughing, everyone smiling, the bright mid-morning sun that made little beads of perspiration come dancing onto my forehead. I don't focus much on the food; it has ceased to hold any interest for me. I linger on the laughing faces, the crinkled eyes and the general feeling of contentment that filled the air.

This is an exercise that serves no purpose. Just another one of the ineffective measure I have adopted to try to find sleep till the drugs kick in. It's a different picture each time, a different glimpse into a life that seems surreal now.

I finally feel sleep crawling along my veins, stealing over my senses and tugging at my eyelids. Relief is the last emotion I feel most days. Relief that I can escape my thoughts for a few hours, relief that I can cease to be an entity till dawn creeps over the world.