Dependence

I wake up feeling empty and heavy. I've barely eaten anything the last few days, I don't even feel hungry. I didn't know losing her could've possibly affected me like this. I guess this is for the best, relying on someone else to feel joy isn't exactly ideal. This should give some chance to gain some independence. I wonder how long it took me to lose my independence to her.

I managed to drag myself out of bed today without my parents yelling at me or Keita pulling me out. I lazily make my way through my routine and dread today's stream. I've lost my best friend, I shouldn't be streaming, I should be trying to get her back or thinking about everything I've done wrong. But my fans are counting on me, and I haven't missed a single stream since I started in 3rd grade.

I plop down onto my gaming chair and the memory of the party with Alina appears in my mind. Her smile and joy when I told her about the new high, how quick she was to plan a celebration. She was so happy for me. Maybe I should've been happy for her, smiled and congratulated her. No, Zack is a fuck boy, and he will ruin her opinion on dating. She shouldn't be dating him, she shouldn't be with him. I guess I could've acted happy for her then slowly point out little things that he's doing wrong until she lost her feelings for him. Although that sounds toxic and I wouldn't want her to think that way of me.

I do my best to shut her out of my mind, she still lingers as I try to focus on other things. I turn on my PC and put on my headset. Looking at myself on the black screen before I start my stream. I look puffy and sad, well I am, but my viewers don't need to know that. I head to the bathroom and splash some water on my face, ignoring my parents arguing about what to make for breakfast while Keita laughs loudly to his friends online and Afia sleeps in. I stare at myself in the mirror, I'm 15 and I already look like I'm having a mid life crisis.

I head back to my seat and start my stream, deciding to stream Counter Strike. It takes a few minutes for the viewers to come in, but once they arrive they don't stop spamming the chat. I even managed to gain five more subscribers.

"Hey, guys," I mumble, greeting the chat. Noticing how depressed I sound I come up with an excuse. "Sorry if I sound a little tired, that's because I am. I woke up not too long ago." I'm not tired at all, I just don't want to talk about my problems. "As you can see, today I will be streaming Counter Strike, so let's kill some bitches!" I slowly gain more energy with my words, sounding more and more believable.

The rest of the stream goes well. I even reached an all new high of viewers. Sadly, I have no one to celebrate with, since Alina is not in my life at the moment. I wish she was here. I miss her so much. I hate Zack even more now since he's targeting my best friends. I wonder how she's doing, I wonder how much she still hates me right now. I wonder how much longer she will still be mad at me. I hope that we get along soon before our birthday, I would hate for us to be still like this on a day that we're supposed to be smiling and celebrating.

I put away my fake smile, showing my true emotion of sadness and heartbreak as I flop down onto my bed. It was so difficult to have a fake smile on for so long, it was only a few hours, but I just wanted to end the stream and go to bed. Now that the stream is finally over, I can finally go back to bed. I don't want to talk to anybody for the rest of the day, or at all.

I decide to take a nap and ignore anytime someone has come into my room. I don't want to do anything, I just want to sleep the pain away. I hope Alina is alright and I hope that everything will get better soon. I love her, I miss her.

I wake up a few hours later to my pillow soaking wet. There's a warm plate of food on my bedside table. I take one bite of the food and immediately feel sick, that's most likely because I've barely eaten anything. I push the food further away from myself, and flip my pillow over. The cold fabric irritates my face, but soon my warm tears soak into it, warming it up. It doesn't take long for me to fall back to sleep. The house is quiet, everyone must be out. They all probably went to the grocery store. I'm surprised that my dad didn't come in and force me out. I guess that he knows about what has been going on. I soon pass out and stay that way for the rest of the day. Only sleep can escape me from the pain of reality, only sleep can keep me calm.