Selfish Impulse

~~~

Rosyvliana swiftly runs outside her pagoda, holding her sword and slashing the air with a deadly skill that uses the air to pierce her target further...specifically, for this case, she was chasing two familiar guards.

Leone and Alvana.

Rosyvliana, with cold predatory eyes, notices them scurrying further from her, their shadows giving away their identities. She didn't want to lose them, so she pierced the ground in milliseconds, exploding a deadly skill and shattering the top part of the mountain into an uneven landscape, making them lose their footing.

Leone, well-versed with movement techniques, quickly casts a skill to teleport to even ground, saving herself from the impact.

As for Alvana? Well...she falls, having to face Rosvyliana's path herself.

But Leone didn't want to leave Alvana alone...no. She came to watch from a further distance. To see Alvana's misery.

"Madam Rosvyliana," Leone calls out, to which Rosvyliana responds by looking at the side coldly, her eyes bulging and laced with bloodlust. "Quiet! Before I cut your hands and ensure you'll never hold a weapon in your whole life again." Rosyvliana responds, causing chills in Leone's heart.

But of course, it wasn't visible when Leone was from a far distance. 

"Yes, madam," Leone responds, standing straight and not uttering a word unless told so...Rosyvliana then walks over to Alvana, and points her sword at Alvana's neck.

"Speak. Of all the details regarding my husband." 

~~~

...I woke up rather somberly, going to the kitchen table to see my mom cooking food for me. Today, it was a fish soup with rice. It featured ingredients like olive oil, hot pepper flakes, tomato puree, and fresh parsley...which was a rather interesting combination.

I feel like my mother is experimenting and learning new recipes.

"Ma," I call out, going out of the room and yawning. I come close to her, scowling upon seeing that she's already done cooking.

My mom arches a brow, confused as to why I woke up even earlier today...she only sighs and gives me the broth of soup. "Why are you awake this early? Is this even my son? Are you sure you're not a skinwalker that took over my son's body?" She asks, pinching me from the side.

Damnit! Why is she always this finicky in the morning?!

"I'm not a skinwalker! Ahhhh! Where did you even learn that?!" I sigh, grabbing a pitcher of water from the fridge and setting it on the cups she prepared on the dining table. 

"What? You think I'm old enough to not know stuff kids like you say?" Mom scowls, flicking my forehead with her finger and then sitting down beside me...

It's at these moments that I have to agree with my dad...which I usually don't.

He was right. Mom is really a tsundere.

"So bossy," I complain, sipping my soup while my mother stares at me with angered eyes. She reaches over to me and pinches my ear. 

"What did you say? Say that again!" She warns, clicking her tongue and sipping on her own soup with an annoyed look on her face.

"Nothing..." I grumble, eating the soup willfully...as it changes my irritated expression into a pleased one. My mom only looks from the distance and nods her head, satisfied. She then drinks her cup of water, finishes it, and then lets me continue eating.

There's a sentimental look in her eyes, and for some reason...she's not getting ready to go outside and is just sitting in front of me.

"Rodrick." She calls out, and I look up at her, eating the fish in my mouth. I'm not done swallowing it, so I only wait for her to say something.

"...I don't have enough money to pay for your tuition anymore." She sighs, looking at me with a bothered and irritated expression...I only look back at her with a neutral nod, already getting used to this.

It's okay mom. It really is. 

"Is that so?" I ask again, and she only nods guiltily. "I...you're not mad?" She asks me, and I only shake my head. How would I ever be mad? I mean sure, I might have gotten mad at her when I was 15 and moved to some public school I didn't want to go to...

But I'm an adult now. I can understand our family situation better with dad gone.

"Why would I be?" I reassure her, giving her a warm and happy smile. She only sighs at me with exasperation, squinting her eyes at our food. "I'm so sorry Rodrick...I never wanted this to happen. I wanted a brighter and happier future for you...I...." She says with a constrained voice, tearing up slightly.

I don't want to watch this scene.

It's breaking my heart.

"Ma, it's fine...I get it. I really do." I smile, and she offers me a slight chuckle, a warm look on her face.

I want to help her...to help our family's situation.

I want to suggest something...something that she might finally agree with. "Besides, if money is the problem, I can just work and-" I try to say, but she cuts me off.

"No." She scowls, withdrawing her tears by wiping them with her hands. "You're not working. You won't work. We've talked about this. No." She insists, again, and this time, I'm the one frowning.

My heart is beating palpably. 

"But why? We're clearly in a bad financial situation, why won't you just-" I defend, but she quickly shuts me up again.

"Rodrick, enough. I won't be discussing this again. You're not working." She insists again, and now, the frown on my face deepens.

Of course! She always says this! Why doesn't she?

"Ma! I'm not a child anymore! I'm an adult! I can help! We can save and budget our money, and you don't have to buy any food that-" I exclaim, but again, she shuts me up.

"Shut up Rodrick!" She screams, slamming the table with all her strength. "You're not working! You should be studying, hanging out with friends, and playing games! Working jobs in the street desperately is something that I should be doing! It's my responsibility!"

Why does she always do this?! I just want to help!

"Ma!" This time, I'm the one to scream, looking at her with a conflicted look on her face. I understand her, I really do...I know why she's saying this. She feels guilty too...guilty for making me go through my teenage years in a state of depression and fear.

But the words that come out next in my mouth are against what my mind-- the rational part of my mind wants to explain.

I don't want to do this...to say things I might regret, but I can't help it. Something from within me...tells me to scream! To shout! To say hurtful things that I could never take back!

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?! I just want to help our family in whatever way I can! Why do you insist on doing things your way?!" I answer back, rage seething in my voice.

Stop it. Rodrick stop it! 

"Rodrick I only-" She tries to say, but now I'm the one cutting her off.

"So what if I end up having rough teenage and adult years?! Isn't that because you stupidly insist for things to go your way?!" I continue, and I swear, I could see her looking at me with shock and betrayal.

Rodrick you imbecile! Stop this right now! Don't go on!

"That's not-" She tries to explain, and again, I'm cutting her off.

"And you blame yourself for thinking that I had such a childhood?! Which, guess what? Is exactly as you say it is! It is your fault!" I continue on, leaving her breathless, betrayed, and teared up.

You f*cking idiot! You've done it now! You're crazy Rodrick!

And this time she doesn't utter a word...

"Fine! If you want me to play my games like the "child" you say I am, then I'll do it! I'll go back to my room and play! It's the only way you'll ever feel that you did something right anyways!" I continue again, this time storming off to my room with the anger and betrayal burning in my heart.

I then play in my VR console...and yet, inust seconds after I go inside do I understand what I just did. 

I immediately collapse and sit on the floor, hitting my head with my hand as I'm beside the beam of light. People are staring...players, NPCs, f*ck-- everyone. But does that matter now? No! Not in the slightest!

F*ck! Why am I such an idiot! I'm a f*cking idiot!

Why did I do that?! Why the hell did I do something like that?!

And I tell myself that I love my mother, but what exactly was that? That was me? F*ck no that wasn't! That wasn't me! That was an imbecile who thought only of himself and wanted things to go his way.

I deserve to die.

And so...I grab the spear on my hands like a crazed madman and aim it to my throat.

I deserved to be pierced by this stupid pointy sh*t a million times. I want it to be engraved in my mind...I want to heal back up and immediately hit my head again and again until I-- all of what I am...from my rational to my emotional side...understands the sensation of a death that will never ceased to end.

I deserve to feel pain, for an endless torture.

Thus, I don't hesitate and thrust the spear to my throat--

Or at least, that's what I believe to have happened...but nothing comes. Not a numbing sensation. Not a bleeding throat...nothing.

"You crazy disciple! The hell happened to you to become that suicidal?!" A voice resounds, as she shakes my body like crazy and punches my face.

"M-master?..." I call out, seeing a woman in a ponytail...covered with scars on her infuriated expression. This...this doesn't look like Alvana in the slightest...she's all torn up today...

...what the...what the hell just happened?!