Anger

I saw it coming and with naught but a thought ducked beneath the blow, feeling Toshiro-san's bokken taking of a couple strands of my dark hair while I slid a fraction to the left, all the while leveraging my movement to swing my own bokken at Toshiro-san's head.

He had none of that however and twisted around just enough to redirect his bokken to capture mine in a textbook block, if there ever was one, while his eyes and face betrayed none of his thoughts to me.

Just when I made to lash out at Toshiro-san's knee though, trying to break both his concentration and balance, he had seemingly read my body language easily enough and caught my kick with his foot in mid-air, before bringing his weight down to bear on me and my foot, still caught beneath his.

Pain blossomed immediately from my foot Toshiro-san was now standing on while the rest of his weight pressed my formerly attacking weapon into my torso, which I just couldn't move due to being stuck in place.

My arms burned under the strain of keeping the much bigger Toshiro-san at somewhat at a distance, thinking furiously about a way to get out of my current situation, however I came up with a blank. Head butting? Too far away. Using my fist? Impossible without getting Toshiro-san's bokken right into my face. Trying to throw the man or leverage my height somehow? Not with my foot stuck under his.

What was formerly only a small droplet of sweat soon evolved into a couple drops, born of both desperation and fear of the pain that was surely soon coming for me once again.

And then there was the feeling of inadequacy. I had been sparring with Toshiro-san for nearly a year by now and I just could not seem to best the man! No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I kept failing!

It was harsh and a brutal lesson in humility, to know and get beat into you day in and day out that no matter what you did, in the end your struggling was futile. It was just so unfair! And even though I knew, not only from experience but intellectually as well, that those thoughts of mine were both foolish and childish, I just could not supress the anger at just not being good enough!

Just when I was about to close my eyes with my teeth gnashing together resigned, with my belly filled with anger, to receive another beating I suddenly heard Mifune-sama call an end to our spar.

And just like that the pain I had felt and was so sure was coming to me came to an end and I was left standing in the softly falling snow like a petulant child who suddenly became aware of his idiocy after hours upon hours of crying for nothing really. After all, I had resigned myself willingly to this path and had gotten used to the pain somewhat by now. Then where did the anger come from?

While Toshiro-san left after bowing to Mifune-sama I was unsure what to do with myself. I certainly still felt the anger but what was becoming more and more clear to me was the origin of the anger I felt still bubbling beneath my surface. Helplessness and shame at both feeling and actually being helpless.

While I was looking up at the sky, filled with slowly falling snow flakes, I couldn't help but wonder why I even bothered with all of this. Why keep fighting? What was the point of it all? In the end I would still die, no matter what I did, and so would all those around me. Wouldn't it thusly be simpler and much more fulfilling to just enjoy the time I had doing what I enjoyed doing instead of clawing myself through all this hardship?

Feeling something warm land on my shoulder, I looked down upon it and realised that I had been so absorbed in my own thoughts that I hadn't even noticed Mifune-sama walk over to me, and putting his calloused hand onto my shoulder as if in comfort.

"How about we sit down for a cup of tea, hm?" It must have been rather apparent to him what turmoil raged inside of me at that moment, as Mifune-sama seemed to not want to comment on my most recent failure to best Toshiro-san in any way, shape or form in our daily sparring sessions, and I was strangely grateful to him for that at the moment.

After but a moment I found myself sitting besides Mifune-sama with a nice cup of tea in my hands, and as usual enjoyed the silence of his gardens alongside the man I had come to respect a lot over my time spent under his tutelage.

"You know, Makoto, failure is nothing to be ashamed of." Mifune-sama began, and even though I understood the meaning behind his words, their contents just didn't seem to align with what I was currently feeling somehow.

"Then why does it feel so bitter and frustrating? I mean, I've been working tirelessly for what, a year or something? And yet, I cannot even but a scratch on Toshiro-san! What's the point in trying to get better and fight on and on, and still fail every time I try?!" I began, while I numbly registered in the back of my head that I was losing more and more of my composure. But I just couldn't stop myself for some reason.

"I just don't see the point! What's the point of it?! Why the hell am I fighting? I just- I just feel so damn helpless…" I finished and resignedly registered something wet and heavy roll down my face, which to my horror I realised to be thick tears of all things!

Shame welled up inside of me and I made to wipe them away in both anger and shame at showing such weakness for such childish reasons to someone like Mifune-sama, even though I know that he pretty much knows my whole life's story already.

However, his hand stopped me mid-motion, preventing me from clearing my vision before I could do anything about it, while his voice seemed to penetrate even the thickest bundles of negative emotions I was currently feeling, like a hot knife through butter, leaving me vulnerable like a chick who fell from its nest to the ground, surrounded by packs of angry wolves who only waited for the right moment to pounce onto me.

All the while, Mifune-sama's voice echoed inside my ears, until I felt my eyes close as if in slumber while my mind was as aware as it had been before.

Slowly but surely, Mifune-sama's formerly sharp voice began to quiet down and I felt something inside of myself push, before the wolves that had formerly surrounded my vulnerable mind were practically blown away as if by some form of magic, leaving me sleepy and exhausted, until Mifune-sama's voice faded completely and darkness took me.