FINDING MYSELF

"The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second greatest is being happy with what you find." Unknown/Google

Do you know what self-discovery is?

For those stuck around to hear my story, self-discovery is when a person examines their thoughts, words, and actions to form a definitive conclusion on who they are. As I sat in the car in an uncomfortable silence with a fuming wolf, my mind drifted to the question that I am sure most of us have asked ourselves at one time or another.

Who am I?

I didn't care what I was because, in my mind, I was and still am a human, but what rattled my cage was I didn't like the person I found myself to be. For one, I can safely say that I am a liar, judgmental, a hypocrite, and, most importantly, a coward. I lied to Elijah about the true nature of why I honestly went to see Cal in that clearing; I judged everyone in this town before I even knew them; I belittled both Daisy and Elijah for hiding secrets, and yet here I am doing the same. There was not one ounce of courage in me to relay any of these findings to the ones closest to me, and because of the realization, self-doubt crept through me, turning my veins to ice. I instinctively wrapped my arms around myself as I stared out the window, deep in thought.

"A penny for your thoughts, Helena." I'm not sure how long I sat there in silence before he decided to bring me back to the land of consciousness. Turning my head, I can see an amused expression mixed with worry. "Do you wish to talk about whatever is bothering you?" He asked disinterestedly, but I knew he wanted me to explain, but how could I? How could I calmly tell him that I'm a shitty person and still hope that he would enjoy me as a mate? So, I decided to once again lie to him about my feelings.

"I'm just nervous about meeting this witch." I gave a shaky laugh hoping to mask my guilt and nerves. "It's not every day a girl gets introduced to the supernatural beings of this world."

"Relax, love. We won't be long, and besides, I will kill her if she tries to do any harm to you. I told you I would burn the world down if I ever lost you again." His tone sounded casual, but the way his hands tightened on the wheel made his knuckles turn white. I indicated that he was pissed at the thought. "Do you know where the expression 'A penny for your thoughts came from?" An amused smile lit up his face and was a sight for sore eyes. My heart lifted just a bit to see him look so carefree. I shook my head no, "I am surprised you don't remember. Sir Thomas More first used that idiom in his book Four Last Things. A memory suddenly popped into my mind of me reading this book in the room of my small cottage with Rosa. This was back in 1533.

"I remember, and you gave me that book shortly after we met when you caught me staring at your library. I was fascinated with the idea of death, judgment, heaven, or hell. The last stages of the soul in life and the afterlife. I still wonder where my soul will end once the dust is settled." I mused.

"Sweetheart, your soul will go to that place in the heavens where there is no such thing as time. It's where you rested until you were reincarnated, and you were at peace with the Goddess," he stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "You have always worried about your soul and the afterlife, but you're as 'pure as the driven snow, and there is no doubt in my mind if there was a heaven, you would be in it."

I know his words were meant to soothe me to bring me comfort, but they made me feel so much worse inside. I could hardly call myself pure, and the fact he saw me like that made my heart swell with pride and guilt. This feeling wasn't just going to go away on its own. I needed to clear the air; otherwise, I could never get rid of this stupid ass feeling of shame. I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself for the conversation I knew we needed to have.

"Elijah, I need to tell you something." My voice came out a little too quiet for my liking. He gestured with his head for me to continue. " I was not being honest with you about my intentions with Cal that night in the clearing." His muscles visibly tensed, and I almost lost my nerve, but I continued. "I am not sure why but I am attracted to Cal in a way one would be with a lover. At first, I thought it was his power, but I think it's more than that. I wanted him. I needed him, but those feelings evaporated instantly once I got a glimpse of who he truly was. He told me that we were fated to be together and that he had waited for me for a long time. According to him, us being mates is inconsequential. I betrayed your trust and nearly cost you your life, so I am sorry. If you wanted another mate, I would completely understand."

After a few minutes of silence, the car started drifting to the shoulder of the road. My voice broke a little at the end, and I dropped my head in fear as I waited for his response. He parked the car awkwardly, got out, and slammed the door. I watched through the windshield as he stalked to my side of the car, making my heart rate shoot up. He opened the door, damn near taking it off the hinges, grabbing me into a bone-crushing hug. It took me a moment to get over the shock, but once I did, I wrapped my arms around his torso, reciprocating the hug.

He was still hugging and sniffing my hair when his husky voice sounded in my ear. "You have nothing to feel guilty about, Helena. We all have done things we are not proud of, but the fact that you came back to me is all that counts." He pushed my back on the car with one arm and kept the other around my torso. His free-hand ran down my stomach reaching my pussy and firmly grabbing it. I let out a deep sigh as the pressure was enough to have me grinding against his palm. "The fact that you're wet just by my touch confirms that this pussy is mine. Do you understand me, Helena?" His eyes bore into mine, and I arched my back against the car. "When all this is done, I will remind you of what I can do to this body. Your memories are still lost, but when I am inside you, filling you up with my hard cock and cum you will know deep in that beautiful human soul you belong to me, my love. Now get back in the car before I fuck you right here on the side of the road." He abruptly lets go of my slit and walked back to the driver's side, leaving me yearning for more of his touch.

When my breathing returned to normal, I opened the passenger door, got in, and buckled my seat belt. I glanced in his direction, and the bastard had a smug smile. He knew I was horny and itching to have him take my virginity once again. "You are a deviant little bastard, you know?" Amusement lit up his face as he zooms off the shoulder of the road and back on the highway. "So, how far are we from this witch, and how do you know her?" To say I was a bit nervous was an understatement. Sure, Rosa was a witch, but those were memories from a past life almost 500 years ago, so to me, it felt like watching something through a filtered lens rather than having experienced it myself. What if this bitch did something to me that would cause me harm? What if she erased something essential to my existence? Too many variables and not enough time to consider everything. I pushed my paranoia aside and trusted that Elijah would protect me.

"There is no need to worry, baby. I will protect you no matter what." His calm demeanor did very little to appease my anxiousness.

After about 30 minutes of driving, we pulled into a gated community filled with enormous houses and charming landscapes. And as beautiful as everything was, that wasn't what caught my attention. No, what piqued my curiosity was not a single soul in sight. No neighbors out doing yard work, not a child in sight playing, or even a damn dog pissing on a tree. This place was vacant, but why?

"Where are all the people, Elijah? This shit seems like some creepy little town, and I feel that zombies will pop up out of the blue." I wildly looked around, surveying my surroundings. I was hoping to at least see someone, even if it was a fucking homeless guy asking me for change.

"Witches are very discreet and isolated creatures. They stick to their kind, rarely letting visitors see them. Trust me, you may see an empty dwelling, but I can smell them; they are all around us. They are watching us as we speak. Centuries of torture and witch hunts have taught them not to trust anyone or anything. Stay close to me, Helena." He whispered as we pulled into the driveway of yet another extravagant vacant home.

We got out of the car simultaneously and started making our way towards the front door, which conveniently opened before we could knock. I gave a skeptical look to Elijah before walking through the threshold. The first thing I noticed was that the house was simple. Nothing looked expensive, at least not like it did in Elijah or Daisy's homes. Warm neutral colors surrounded the living room as plants of every size and shade of green littered the walls and the floor. Most of the furniture was either stone or wood, which made me wonder who carved such intricate pieces. The house had a calming effect which made me at ease instantly.

"Don't get too relaxed, Helena. They designed the feng shui to be inviting to dull the senses. Welcome a false sense of security. It makes it easier to manipulate the mind when you're lulled into compliance." His breath was so close to my ear; I almost yelped in surprise. I didn't even recall him being so close to me.

"Jesus, don't fucking sneak up on me like that. You almost gave me heartache." I half yelled as I continued to walk through the hallway blindly. We were almost through when I walked past a huge antique mirror stopping suddenly in my tracks. Although the mirror was probably the most elegant and modern piece of furniture, I saw the reflection staring back, which made me stop.

Is this me?

In some ways, I knew that my appearance had changed a little since reconnecting with my past self, but the face in the mirror was hardly recognizable. My hair seemed glowing; my eyes were no longer their usual hazel color but a vibrant green with a hint of silver in the middle; my cheekbones were more pronounced, my lips fuller, and the skin tone was richer. And the most perplexing thing was that the mist on my head looked like a crown. It was like all my past attributions were infused with my present incarnation. I stood there staring, gawking like a fool when a small bell-like voice spoke.

"That is the Mirror of Truth. It shows us our true selves." I turned my head sharply and met a tall, petite woman with long chocolate hair.

"We have been waiting a long time to meet you, Helena. Welcome, home."