Chapter 5: Noticed

Brittany shook her head. "Nonsense. I told the chef about your condition, and he is happy to make an extra plate for you. Now sit down and enjoy it. We can't have you going home just to skip dinner again." And just like that, I no longer had a choice. I thanked her softly and sat at the bar in front of the hot plate. She left to serve a customer as I looked down at the dinner that was made for me. There were mashed potatoes, steamed veggies, and a leathery steak on the plate. I almost gagged at the sight of the steak.

Anyone else would look at this plate and see a holy grail of diner cuisine, but all I saw was tomorrow's vomit. I brought myself to eat the mashed potatoes and veggies, but I just couldn't eat the steak. It was just too greasy and fleshy, the thought of eating it made me want to hurl the part of the meal I had already eaten. Brittany was older, so she most likely wouldn't understand my aversion to meat, so I slipped the slice into the garbage can beside the counter when nobody was looking. I placed the cleared plate on the counter and left the building before I was caught. 

On the way home my mind wandered back to the man I had seen earlier that day. I wanted to see him again so badly, but I knew that his sightings weren't so close together. I would normally see him twice a week and it killed me that I couldn't see him more often. I was about a block away from the apartment building when I suddenly felt eyes on me. My muscles stiffened and I looked up from under my hood to see a hunched-over man in an alley who was staring at me. I was unsettled, but I had seen this man before. So far, the worst he ever did was stare at me. He was one of the meth addicts and it was clear by his lack of teeth and hair. I couldn't tell whether he was an old man or a man in his thirties who got beaten up by the drug. 

Either way, I wanted to keep my distance from him. there was no way of knowing what he was thinking as he stared at me. I didn't want to find out and kept walking at a faster pace. I was relieved when I looked behind me and saw that he hadn't followed me. Something in me told me that he knew I was a woman, even though my rationality argued that there would be no way for him to tell. I shook off my unsettlement and walked around the passed-out homeless person on the stairs to the entrance again. 

Before I went through the hall, I remembered that I hadn't gotten the mail in a while and decided to head to the mail lockers. The room was a good enough size to hold the mail of all of the tenants, and the entrance to it was just an open entryway on the main floor. Normally, when I went to get my mail there wasn't anyone in there but today there was. I froze from head to toe once I realized that the man I had feelings for was standing there with his back to me. He was wearing an old black trench coat and flipping through his mail as he stood in front of an open locker. He hadn't noticed me yet and I couldn't believe that I saw him twice in one day.

I started shaking and I didn't know what to do. I debated on running away and getting the mail tomorrow when something stopped me. I wasn't this pathetic. I could walk up and get my mail without having to talk to him. Even just walking up next to him could be enough to build my courage. I swallowed hard and felt sweat drip down my forehead as I began to walk to my locker. I forced myself not to look at him as I pulled my key from my pocket and slid it into the lock with my apartment's number on it. I pulled the mail from the metal box and closed the door to remove the key. This was it. I just had to focus on what I was going to do next and it would help ease the fear. 

Just as I thought that I glanced beside me to see whether he had noticed me. I froze again to see that he was looking directly at me. My throat went dry and I poorly hid my shaking. He had never looked at me before. All I ever wanted was for him to look at me and now that it had happened, I became a vibrating mess. I had nothing prepared to say and I was dying from embarrassment. I couldn't think with those amazing eyes looking down at me and burning into me with their searing heat. I wanted to just cut my losses and run as fast as I could to my apartment. I couldn't handle embarrassing myself any longer.

Before I could force my body to run, he smiled at me. All of a sudden, my anxiety and embarrassment melted away and I became warm to his smile. It was a soft one that was meant for a neighbor, but it made me explode with affection for him. I smiled back underneath my medical mask out of response, but as soon as I did, his smile faded. His lips fell into a flat line and his eyes widened with surprise. My smile left my face as well and I was curious as to what had surprised him. I then panicked, realizing that my smile had given it all away. He knew I was a woman. 

I then immediately sprinted back to the hallway and back up the stairs until I saw the place I called home. I jumped over bums and littered bottles, sloppily trying to get as far from view as possible. As soon as I reached my door I jammed my key in the lock and swung the door open. I shut it as soon as I was inside and locked every lock on the door with precise speed. I then leaned my back against the door and slowly slid to the ground as I burst into tears. 

I sobbed at my stupidity of revealing such a sensitive secret so easily. What if he tells someone? What if it spreads through the whole building that I'm a woman? It would be all over. I was just a piece of meat in a lion's den, waiting to be devoured. All of the work I had put into my invisibility could be gone in an instant if he decided to mention it to someone. Even if he didn't tell anyone, he still knew. I had fallen for him, but I still had no idea who he was. What if he began to harass me? What if he tried to kill me or rape me now that I had his attention? 

I felt so stupid and yet there was nothing to say other than what's done is done. All I could do now was wait until he decided on what to do with his new power over me. Days passed, and nothing changed. I hadn't run into him again and no one else in the building treated me any differently. I had expected some sort of change by now, but there was none. I didn't know whether to be scared or relieved.