Despair 2

Surprisingly, Sera was the first to speak, "how much merit points will be left for each of us if we split it with five other groups." Knighthood was her first priority. It made sense that she'd wanted proper compensation for risking her life. "We still have to pay Tula on top of that," she added, looking at the dispassionate mage, whose mind seemed elsewhere as she starred at the mana lamps overhead. She perked us as she heard her name.

"I think it's a great idea," she said in her sing-song voice, completely off base.

"Relax Sera," Ren chimed in. "You'll get enough merit points you need to become a knight. We are keeping the secrets we learned from Seth to ourselves. Let the mage's peculiar attacks help us weed out the competition." A wide smile blossomed on Sera's face. Every decision she'd made for more than seven years had been towards her ultimate goal. With knighthood but a single mission away, she couldn't help but grin at hearing the news.

Seth watched the team with an apprehensive stare as they glossed gingerly discussed their plan for the mages they'd be recruiting. Though on some level, recognized why it was necessary to do what they did, he still blamed himself for the entire situation. There was no denying it, he was directly responsible for all the death. His stomach churned, and his chest tightened. 'Their sacrifice will be for nothing…'

"…then, it's settled." Germo clear baritone voice jolted from thought. "We will meet with the groups we've chosen to invite, while Sera, Tula and Seth will scout out the forest and acquire information from other teams of the blood mage's routines and abilities. The rest of us will meet with the teams we've chosen and practice formations with them."

Seth caught Germo's final words as he dismissed the team. They bickered as they filed out of the meeting hall.

"You should stop testing the captain, Brick. One of these days…" Raylee said in her quiet, yet intense voice.

"What! I was saying what we were all thinking," Brick huffed, he turned to Ren for support. "What do you think? Don't tell me you think I am fault too?"

"You should act more your age, Brick. Of course, you should have known it was a trap," Ren responded in her usual disinterested tone.

"But...but," Brick protested as he walked out of the meeting hall.

Seth passively followed their conversation as his mind pondered. It briefly strayed from blame to something more concrete- the implications of the blood mage's presence. It was very possible that the mage was here for him. Though they had a viable plan to weaken him, he still felt as though he'd fallen into a trap. And he'd brought every other mage in the city with him as he stumbled.

"What is on your mind?" a warm voice called out. Tula sat across from him with one hand on the table and the other perched on her chin. Her white hair hid a portion of her face, and her eyes contrasted the warmth of the overhead mana lamps.

"Thoughts and problems, so many problems," Seth muttered. Germo said acquire information from other teams, which meant he'd have to kill them. He'd understand if they were criminals, but some of them were good people like Ren and Tula. He didn't have in in him to just cut them down in cold blood.

"Care to share some of them, Atreus?" She said. Seth looked up to her infectious smile. Her soothing voice entranced him, tempted him to tell her everything- the blood mage, the system, his mistakes, and his struggle with the new mission- but he couldn't. His lips pursed and trembled.

"It's the killing isn't it," She said with a soft smile.

"Yes." it wasn't all that weighed on his heart, but it was a start. He couldn't add the death of innocent men and women onto his conscience while he was barely afloat from all the guilt he currently faced.

Tula pushed back her long hair, and starred into space, "I remember my first kill. It was a large Chiawandean man with a nasty scar on his left cheek and a long knife on his waist. He was bald and was part of a gang that'd been sent to capture me. I was ten at the time, and had only been training with the spear for about a month."

She turned to Seth, and the white of her eyes shone with intense light. He felt her pain as she spoke. "He beat me. He really beat me, you know. His large fists squashed me. I had never been in more pain in my entire life, and I was so sure I was going to die."

Her voice thinned out as the story stretched on, and she folded her hands, hiding her colorful tattoos. "But he made a mistake. One that hundreds of people like him have made when they fought me," all pain faded from her face, and transformed to prideful rage. "When he was so sure I had given up, after he'd broken my spear, he pulled his punches just a little bit, and that was all it took. I rammed the shattered half of my spear into his side and rammed the other with the blade into his eye I didn't hesitate, and you shouldn't either."

"That is different, he tried to kill you. You were just defending yourself." Her story moved him. He remembered her saying something about her childhood, but he never imagined…

"Is it though. I did what I had to survive. You should do the same even though you might later hate yourself for it."

"But cutting down unsuspecting mages?" Seth whispered.

"Don't misunderstand me, Atreus. I didn't enjoy killing that man. Neither do I enjoy cutting down people weaker than myself. I hated myself after I took his life that is why I became a healer, but that doesn't I don't kill when I have to," her face hardened as she spoke those final words.

"Tomorrow, every scout that we come in contact with will be like that bald chiawandean man. They will crush you if you don't fight back."

Her words eased his guilt. He had no mercy for his enemy, but all those people…

"The mages that Germo plans to recruit. They'll have no idea what they're up against. I know it's naïve to give them the same information we have, but..."

"You are right. It is naïve," Tula cut him off. "You grew up with all the wealth and resources you need, but you need to remember that down in the lower ring, every child was on his own. They killed when they were just half my age, and have faced creatures you've never heard off or seen even though you served at the borderlands." She huffed, "they don't need your pity. The apprentice and neophyte mages you cut down at the borderlands didn't deserve your mercy, neither do they. They all understand the risks. We need every advantage we can get, if we're going to leave that forest with your sister and the mage's body, Atreus."

"I never thought of it like that… but," the concern he felt for the mages of Brightmont was justified, but it was not the true source of his guilt, and Tula saw that.

"Do you blame yourself, Atreus. For what happened to your sister, how it happened?" She asked. Her eyes softened to meet his. He felt relief wash over him, easing him of most of his fear and guilt.

"During the fight I called out," he said. "I caused this. All of this. The streets of Grechit are swarmed because I called out to her. She wouldn't have been captured, if I had just kept my mouth shut and died like I was supposed to," his eyes dipped to the ring on his finger, and thought of the remains of the heart of Malum inside. "Now, even you and Sera might die because of my mistakes."

"You are right, Atreus, if you've kept your mouth shut, and died like you were supposed to, none of this would have happened." Tula waited for his surprised stare and grinned when she saw it. "But if you did, I would have never met you, and you would have spoken to Sera and had cheated a mapmaker together. You would have never learned how to fight with Ren, and I would have never lost my bet." She frowned slightly, as she spoke those final words.

"It is true that a lot of mages might die because of you, but what was the alternative, not live? Lay down your life? Regardless of what you would have chosen if you had a chance to go back, the point is you can't. So stop whining like a child, and just try your hardest. We might all die in the coming days, or we might take down the blood mage. Don't let your fear stop you from giving up before you try." She was right. There was no point blaming himself. he could only try to fix his mistakes.

A long silence settled between them after her final words echoed "That was quite the speech," Seth said slowly.

"Thank you, Atreus," her lips parted to a wide grin, "but it will all be words unless you understood what I said."

"I panicked a little bit. The fight with the mage brought back some memories. Memories of things that had grown distant since I awoke four days ago."

"You are still recovering from the battle. You might be fine physically, but your mind. Your mind is still far from recovered. I felt the tension and darkness of your energies when I healed you."

Seth folded his arm in thought as he heard what she'd said. She was right, several things felt foggy, undefined. Maybe the system had something to do with it. If it did then…

"Don't overthink, Atreus. I need you well rested for the hunt tomorrow. Wear something with a cowl, and get a longsword. Your estoc isn't exactly common." With that, she climbed to her feet and slid the wooden door open. "Remember, don't despair. Not until you're sure you've completely lost. And even then, fight through it."

Her words echoed in his mind as his feet bounced off the lamp lith wooden halls. There was a tile with his name on the door, and it eased open when he injected mana into it. He slipped out of his clothes and settled down on the wooden floor. His mind swirled with emotion and fear and doubt, but he quieted all the raging voices. He did as she instructed, and cleared his mind. He focused on one task at a time and poured his full attention into mastering the tier one Darkness spells.