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Bleach The Visionary

Auteur: Martrigg
Anime et Bandes dessinées
Actuel · 320.8K Affichage
  • 13 Shc
    Contenu
  • 4.3
    14 audimat
  • NO.200+
    SOUTIEN
Synopsis

Daniel gray is your normal everyday person, but one day everything changed when he was suddenly killed by an oncoming car and was transported to the world of bleach but not as himself but as Gremmy Thoumeaux. Daniel now Gremmy has to navigate the dangerous world of bleach with his newfound abilities. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is my first story I've ever wrote besides things for school so I'm open to any suggestions or critiques on the story. I will upload Randomly *Warning I don’t own any of the characters in this novel*

Étiquettes
8 étiquettes
Chapter 1Chapter 1: An Ending leads to a New Beginning

Awakening to a gentle breeze, I slowly unveiled my eyes to a universe of staggering proportions. Celestial bodies, stars, and planets adorned the cosmic expanse in a breathtaking display, captivating my senses with their distant allure. Amid this celestial magnificence, I grappled to steady my emotions, all the while wrestling with the disorienting mystery of my presence in this cosmic theater.

"Where am I?"

I remember that I was walking to my apartment after a long shift at work and suddenly I heard a loud screeching noise and then it went black.

"You are dead."

I turned around to see an old man with a long white beard with his hands behind his back looking at me.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm the god that governs the concept of life and death."

"Hmm, so I'm guessing I died."

"Yeah, it wasn't pretty either, you should've seen the looks on the kids' faces after they saw your crushed corpse fly past them."

"Your kinda messed up, and why was there kids in the area in the first place?"

"There was a preschool nearby and they were just getting let out. Anyway, the reason you are here and not a baby yet is because you have an above average amount of Good karma."

"Wait how? I don't remember being a particularly good person."

"You weren't, it's just you got lucky one time when you accidently fell over and pushed that nun down the stairs six years ago."

"I don't see how that is in anyway good karma. I'm pretty sure she died."

"She was on the FBI's most wanted list and was hiding as a nun. Thats probably why the police didn't look too hard into why she died."

"What did she do to get on the most wanted list?"

"The question is what didn't she do. Murder, abuse, robbery, drug use, smuggling drugs, terrorism, loitering. If you can name it, she's done it. Now on to the important part I want you to spin that wheel behind you."

I turned around and was awestruck by a colossal wheel that towered as if reaching for the cosmos itself. A small handle beckoned nearby. Straining my eyes, I tried to decipher the intricate words and letters adorning the wheel, but their tiny forms eluded me from my current spot. Determined, I approached, and as I drew nearer, every name inscribed upon its vast expanse bore the mark of fiction, a fragment of my former existence woven into the intricate tapestry before me.

"If I spin the wheel, do I get to go to one of these worlds?"

"Yes, but don't get too excited as not all worlds are good worlds."

"For example, Boku no p-"

"I get it, I get it."

I didn't want to hear the old man keep talking so I walked up the handle Gripping it firmly, I channeled every ounce of ethereal strength within me and yanked with resolute determination. A surge of energy coursed through the wheel, igniting a mesmerizing dance that seemed to stretch on for an eternal breath, until at last, its momentum began to wane, and it came to a gradual halt, settling upon a destination. "Bleach."

"Not bad. Now that you have your world."

As the old man said those words the giant wheel in front of me disappeared and was replaced with a pie chart very reminiscent of a bored game spinner. Four options on it: Gamer system, 3 Wishes, Gacha system, and replace an existing entity.

"You get to spin for your cheat in your new world."

I breathe a sigh of relief at the realization that I will be going to a brand-new world with some help.

"Now go ahead and spin" said the old man with a bit of happiness in his raspy voice.

I chose to ignore the weird old man's antics and went to the palm size spinner and flicked it. It spun for about a minute before it stopped on, replace an existing entity.

"Damn, I feel like I got the worse one."

"Yeah, all the other cheats are far better and don't have any side effects."

"Wait WHAT! what are the side effects?"

"When you replace that existing being, their personality will bleed into yours a bit. Nothing to crazy"

"You also have the same weaknesses as the character, well at least at the start."

"So, I can choose any living thing, right?"

"Yes, you can be anything, as long as it is considered living."

"So, I can just pick the soul king if I wanted?"

"Yes, but I don't recommend it as you would be sent a little before the main story begins so you would be a chicken nugget holding all the different realms together. So, you wouldn't have any real power."

After his statement I started thinking about some of the strongest characters in bleach.

"Yhwach, naw don't want his personality or ideals."

"Ichibē, naw don't want to be stuck in the royal palace having to protect the soul king my whole life. Plus, he his a pretty evil character in his own right.

"Yamamoto, naw looks to old. I want to have a chance with the girls in bleach."

While going through the character pros and cons one stood out. Gremmy Thoumeaux.

"Gremmy, has a very overpowered and versatile ability. Doesn't have much effect on the overall story of bleach and I can make myself look however I want. The cons are that he is a battle maniac and is under Yhwachs control."

After a bit of thinking I looked up at the old man and asked

"If I were to choose Gremmy would I still be under Yahwachs control"

"No, as he engraves his control on the soul of the being. You being a new soul wouldn't be affected by his control but in turn you would lose your shrift."

I sighed "So I can't choose a Quincy"

"But if you do choose Gremmy I am willing to let you keep his powers."

"If that's the case then I would gladly choose Gremmy."

The old man had a big smile and said "Great now off you go"

He flicked his hand towards me, creating a wormhole behind me. It started to suddenly take my very being into the dark abyss that was inside.

"Oh yeah in exchange for me letting you keep your powers; you can't change your appearance with your ability, and I gave you a weakness. Can't have you being to op now. "

The sudden information made me pause for a moment, before anger suddenly boiled over me.

"Listen here you old piece of sh-" was all I could say before I was pulled into the dark abyss.

"Now that that's over I can sit back and enjoy my one entertainment I get every Millenium." said the old man while looking at the wormhole.

"Only one entertainment every one thousand years"

sigh.

"I should really get a new job."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I have some ideas for this novel but nothing concrete yet, so if you have any suggestions or tips, please let me know as I am always looking to improve. Also, I will upload one those pre chapters with some questions on it if you want to get a sense of direction where this story might be headed. Anyway, See ya.

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Critiques
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Left_Nut_Of_MadaraLv13
DaoistVo2oXPLv10

Идея отличная, грамматика на уровне, но главная проблема в том что главный герой не раскрыть, хотя нельзя делать такие выводы Спустя лишь 11 глав, но могу сказать что так и дальше будет продолжатся, у гг должна быть собственная изюминка, отличительная черта, у нашего гг его нету, да и характер не сформирован, нету целей, желание и т.д, впервую очередь необходима более детально понять собственного персонажа, его ценности, убеждение и интересы, да и остальные персонажи сырые, автор должен более детально изучить персонажи блич, их характер и цели, у каждого персонажи в блич есть свой истории, которые в принципе объясняют кто они такие? почему они это делают? Необходима более детально изучить историю и характер персонажи и первую очередь создать своего единственного и неповторимого главного героя. Да и в дальнейшем автору не стоит делать упор на романтику, либо на гарем, Потому что романтика между персонажами появляются постепенно и для проявление чувств, Необходима детально понимать их характер и их ценности и т.д, не учитывая эти вещи персонажи будут ощущатся как другие люди. Автору удачи и надеюсь ты поймёшь мои искренние советы и возьмёшь на заметку и создать отличную историю!!

ElemiseLv1

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