What Had Happened

Kayate's POV

It was silent during the ride to the zoo.

"I can't believe this very bus is the place where we first met." Precious kicks her legs. "It was also the first time I been on a bus."

"Hmm?" I smile. "I'm sorry my pets and I gave you a scare."

"I was being irrational at the time, a lot was happening. I guess I was panicking." She cocks her head, a bit confused. "Your pets?"

"They're called Momos." A small furry, one-eyed, four-legged creature curiously approaches her after appearing on my lap.

"I don't remember them..." 

"They previous took shape of a gremlin. Usually when frightened, they shapeshift into your greatest fear." I explain. "I already scolded them. They're not going to scare you again."

She scoops a Momo into her arms. "So cute~ they accompany you?"

"They act as more pairs of eyes. I suppressed using them, thinking you didn't want them around. But they would help in keeping you safe, if you don't mind."

"I don't mind at all!" She pets it.

I smile, relieved of her answer. It relieves me to know that I'm able to protect her... But why? Is it for fear that I'll fail her... just as I did my whole family... I still think I could've done something to protect them. They didn't deserve to die.

I look up to see Precious staring into my eyes as if trying to read my mind.

"What are you thinking of? You always seem so uptight and contemplative."

"I'm sorry. You don't need to concern yourself with me." I force a smile.

"It's my duty to make sure everyone's happy. Your feelings are of my concern." She sits beside me. "If you don't want to talk about it..." 

"You don't know how empty it is when everyone close to you is gone and there's nothing else for you to do for them. All your life, you was dedicated to those people. And now that they're gone, that ambition, the fire that was once fueling you, has dissipated. Your life only filled with sorrow and guilt, anger, and there's nothing to look forward to anymore..."

I seem to have lost her there. She stares off into thin air. It's probably too much for her to handle.

"Again, I'm sorry."

"Why don't you just forget and move on?" Her response makes my heart ache.

"I can't forget about them... Who would want to be forgotten after death?"

"Not like that. I mean, there's so much to live for, yet you stay trapped in this one period of time. This bubble you can't leave. There's happiness in the littlest moments, you just have to walk away from the past, accept it. It's not your fault and dwelling on it won't help. Nothing's going to change just by reliving the past and wishing you could've done something. Sometimes, it's best to just live the present."

"It's not as easy as you make it seem."

"You're right, I can't put myself into your shoes. But I can tell you my past." 

She looks at the ground. "Living at the castle with my owners wasn't the happiest moments of my life, to be honest. Those creatures are scary. And they didn't really care about me... they would treat me like an object. To squeeze, to sleep with, to do all you wish. I had no life, I couldn't be a dog; I was a toy. I had no freedom to leave or escape, I just had to stay. Like a good dog. A pet. Then when Emma was engaged to the Prince of the Perilios Empire, I met his pet, Nathaniel, who self-aclaimed me to be his bride. It was even worst, the abuse, the dungeon feel. He claimed me to be his property and wouldn't let go. And he would punish me if I don't submit. Basically, I was beatened to shape who I am now by those I made myself believe I loved. And to add onto that, I was kidnapped by traffickers and abandonned by my own parents." 

She looks at me. "I guess I'm in no right to tell you to let go of those you loved, because I never felt the love you felt."

"I never thought you would say that about your owners. I thought you loved it there..."

"I put up a fake smile. But I wished for a better life. I can't compare my experience with yours, I suffered from abuse, while you had to witness death. Walking away from it isn't as easy as I did mine."

"Some people deal with trauma differently."

"But it's still trauma, and you can still overcome it. No matter how long it takes, you just have to be patient."

"Thanks..." I look out the window at the looping green scenery of plain green grass. "But I already know a way I can overcome this."

My answer seems to surprise her. "Do tell."

"The same way you did." I smile. "Revenge."

"Huh?"

"Sure, your love for your captors make it easy to disregard the abuse. But that doesn't mask the hate you feel for them. By Mr. Hyena burning the castle down, you felt relieved as that was revenge for their lies, allowing you to walk away easier."

I lose her again. She stares at the ground with guilt.

"It's not something to be ashamed of, revenge is a natural reaction." I comfort her. "And maybe revenge will solve my problem."

"So why do you still suffer?"

"Because... well, I restrict myself. I'm trying to find a more reasonable solution, but it's driving me to despair. I can't forgive the murderers of my wivand brothers. What is there to forgive?"

"Well, then, how about justice?"

"What's the difference?"

"Your revenge should be within the law. Like an eye for an eye."

I wince. That's exactly what I don't want to do. There's too much death in the world. But life has it that there's no way around it. It's not like there's a justice system to properly give a death sentence.

"I-"

I'm cut off by the sudden flip of the vehicle. The bus flies as if it ran over a large speed bump.

Reflexively, I grab Precious and hold onto something sturdy.

And then I land on something hard, sending a sharp pain throughout my body.