49. Chapter 49

Waverly woke up feeling hungover. The queasiness and the headache and that sickly sense of regret all reminded her of late nights with tequila and cheap beer, which of course wasn’t the case. It was more of an emotional hangover, and the reason was Wynonna. Or rather, everything Wynonna represented. 

Waverly turned around in her bed. Nicole was there, lying halfway on her side, facing Waverly with her eyes closed. She was still sleeping, her chest moving steadily with her slow breath. Her dimple was gone, hidden in the relaxed features of her face. Her lips were parted just an inch, and Waverly could almost see the air flowing slowly in and out. 

She was beautiful.

Waverly reached out her hand and trailed her fingers softly over Nicole’s cheek. Nicole reacted almost immediately with a smile. Her head turned towards Waverly’s hand and her body curled closer, but she didn’t wake up. 

Yesterday, Nicole’s face had been scared. When Waverly was yelling at Wynonna, Nicole was holding her hand, and her face was scared . And Waverly hated it. It made her embarrassed, and it made her wish Nicole hadn’t been there to see it. 

Waverly couldn’t remember exactly all the things she had said to her sister, but she knew it was mostly bad. She had been angry yesterday, because Wynonna had asked stupid questions. Waverly had blamed her sister for everything, even the things that were only her own fault. Because Wynonna had threatened Nicole, and that had sparked a tornado inside Waverly’s head, and she’d thought it would feel better if she let it all out, but it hadn’t. It only felt wrong and gross. 

Yesterday, Waverly had been angry. She had been irrational. Wynonna had seen it, and Nicole too, and Waverly didn’t know what was worse. So today, she was only embarrassed.

She lay there for a while, trying to remember the things she’d said, but for every tiny detail that returned, the sick feeling in her gut grew. 

Waverly turned in her bed, away from Nicole. Nicole would probably tell her it was okay and that she understood, and she would forgive her, but Waverly didn’t know if she could handle that sort of kindness right now. 

She cringed as another ugly memory returned to her mind: Shae . Waverly had never been particularly jealous before, but apparently something had awoken with Nicole. And yet, Wynonna had been the one receiving blame for the mere existence of Shae. 

Stop it, Waverly told herself. Stop thinking about it.

She forced herself to look at her radio clock instead. The digital panel told her it was nearly eight. She tried to focus on what would happen if this was a normal day, if she was at school.

In half an hour, Mrs. Lewis would shuffle into her classroom, as usual a little late for class. She would open her bag and pull out her textbook, and she would write today’s subject on the blackboard. Waverly would pull out her notes and scribble down Mrs. Lewis’ words as best as she could, and when the bell rang, Chrissy would wait for her by the door. 

But Waverly wasn’t at school - she was in bed, because the doctor had said so. Take it easy , she had said. Take a walk . Waverly would rather spend her day doing assignments in English.

A sudden sharp inhale behind her told her Nicole was awake.

Waverly turned to that side again, tucking the extra pillow in place between her knees for comfort. She pushed her hands underneath her cheek and lay still, watching her girlfriend come to life.

A few confused blinks, and then Nicole croaked, “Hey, baby.” 

Waverly reached out her hand again to caress Nicole’s cheek like she had before. “Sleep okay?” she asked softly. 

Nicole nodded, that way rubbing her already messed up hair against her pillow. 

Anyone else might have been fooled by the smile Waverly put on, but not Nicole.

“You look worried,” she whispered.

Even in her morning grogginess, Nicole saw her. Her big brown eyes were looking right at her, patiently waiting for whatever way Waverly wanted to respond. She understood her, even when Waverly didn’t understand herself. Just like yesterday. 

But Waverly couldn’t respond. She didn’t want to talk about yesterday. She just wanted to forget the whole thing, even though she knew that that probably wasn’t a good strategy in the long run. She knew that at some point, she would have to tell her sister sorry, and Nicole would want to ask if she was okay. But for now, Waverly only shrugged. 

The frown on Nicole’s face faded into compassion, but it was too much. Waverly couldn’t handle Nicole’s forgiving kindness, not now. She evaded her eyes and started withdrawing her hand from Nicole’s cheek, but Nicole stopped her. She grabbed the hand with her own and turned her head to kiss her palm. 

Nicole didn’t say anything, but she didn’t need to. I’m here , was what she said, with her lips and her touch. 

Waverly swallowed. Nicole scooched closer until her face was right there . 

Nicole snuggled her nose against Waverly’s, ending with a tiny peck on the tip of it. “You wanna make out?” she suddenly asked, very cheekily.

Waverly looked up at her, surprised by the sudden turn of events. “I’ve got morning breath,” she said dumly.

But Nicole’s grin only grew. “So do I.”

---

Camping out in bed with her girlfriend seemed like a great idea at first. For a few glorious hours, Nicole allowed Waverly to altogether avoid the subject of Wynonna. They kissed and they hugged and they smiled, and it was all pretty good, but every time one of them had to leave the safety of the bedroom, that same nauseous feeling returned to Waverly’s gut. 

First, Waverly had to pee. Then her stomach started rumbling, so Nicole went downstairs to get some food from the kitchen. Then Waverly had to pee again, and then Nicole had to pee as well. 

The second time Nicole returned to the bedroom it was nearing noon, and Waverly was almost certain that her sister would be up. 

“Did you see her?” she asked quietly as Nicole crawled back under the blankets.

Nicole kissed her before she answered. “I didn’t.”

She smiled and kissed her again, and then she did this thing where her face turned all soft and compassionate, and Waverly knew what was coming even before Nicole opened her mouth to speak with a lowered voice.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Waverly swallowed. “Not really.”

“Okay.”

Waverly turned around and scooched back so that they were spooning, and Nicole dutifully wrapped her arms around her and snuggled her face into the back of Waverly’s hair. Their fingers intertwined at the top of Waverly’s stomach, just beneath her breasts.

Waverly looked straight ahead to where her bedroom window was. Sharp light peeked in through the partly closed blinds. The sun was high in the sky, and the top branches of the nearby maple tree swayed softly with the breeze. The leaves were brightly green and still young, evidence that spring was in full bloom. It was Waverly’s favorite season. Everything started anew in spring. The snow melted away and revealed everything that had been hidden. Trees and bushes awoke with bright and new colors. They were young and undamaged. Everything was still innocent.

“I should tell her sorry,” Waverly whispered.

Nicole pushed her nose further into her hair.

“I don’t know why I was so mad.”

“We just came from the hospital,” Nicole said. “We were all scared and tired.”

“Yeah…”

It didn’t excuse her behaviour. 

Nicole hugged her tighter. “Did you really think she wouldn’t accept you for being you?” she whispered softly, almost inaudible.

Waverly blinked. That part of yesterday’s conflict was particularly painful to think about, and Waverly would rather just shrug it away. But it was important for Nicole to understand. Waverly could hear it in her hesitant voice, as if she only dared ask it this way, quietly, facing away from each other. 

“I’m already the pregnant kid,” Waverly said after a few seconds. “At school, I’m the pregnant one. In ten years, when people talk about their high school experiences, they’re gonna remember me as the girl who got herself knocked up.”

Waverly could feel Nicole holding her breath. She didn’t have to say anymore. Nicole already understood. But Waverly said it anyway.

“And then they’re gonna say, ‘I hear she’s a lesbian now’.”

Waverly wasn’t ready for that yet. There were too many other things holding her down every day, and this last thing, her girlfriend , would have to wait. It was a deeply encrusted shame that Waverly hadn’t even realized she was carrying around until yesterday, and it was better to just pretend it didn’t exist. Even though that meant that Nicole too had to live a lie. It wasn’t fair, but it was all Waverly could handle at the moment.

They didn’t talk anymore about it after that. 

Nicole managed to pry Waverly out of bed an hour later, convincing her that the doctor’s prescribed walk would do them both good. Wynonna wasn’t anywhere to be seen when they went downstairs. Either she wasn’t awake yet or she didn’t want to face Waverly either. Waverly was happy regardless.

They walked to the edge of the forest and followed a well-trodden trail for about half an hour before Nicole suggested they return. Waverly, having identified this as another way to dodge her sister, wanted to continue, but Nicole pointed out that “The doctor said take a walk, not a hike ”.

When they were almost back at the house, Nicole stopped Waverly in her tracks and turned towards her, holding both of her hands.

“Wynonna’s fine,” she said. “She’s your sister and she loves you, no matter what. Okay? I promise.”

She said it with such certainty that Waverly promptly accepted it. Had the two of them talked? But Nicole didn’t add anything more, and with a slight tug to Waverly hand, they walked the final steps home. 

Nicole’s words weren’t groundbreaking or anything - Waverly knew deep down that she and her sister would be okay again - but they were mightily reassuring anyway. It gave her a small peek of courage, so that when Nicole left to feed her cat before going to Nedley, Waverly decided to sit in the kitchen to do her homework instead of hiding in her bedroom again. It was terrifying to sit there, all out in the open for when Wynonna came down, but Nicole had promised her it would be okay, and so Waverly laid out her textbooks and her notes and sat at the table with her chin held high.

She was just reading today’s assignments from History class that Chrissy had sent her when Wynonna finally showed up. Waverly looked up as she sauntered into the kitchen, but neither of them said a word.

Wynonna rummaged through the refrigerator and nearly all the kitchen cupboards before turning around with a bag of chips in her hand. Waverly had no idea where it came from. 

“Is Haught out to get dinner?” Wynonna asked. She was lazily leaning against the countertop while snacking from the bag. 

Waverly answered without looking up. “No, she’s at the Nedley’s again.”

“I guess this is my dinner then,” Wynonna said with a shrug. 

Waverly gave her a look before she bent down again. Looking her sister in the eye, or worse, being the one to initiate a conversation with apologies and confessions was far more than Waverly could handle right now. She decided that sitting in the kitchen and not avoiding Wynonna was enough of a gesture. Maybe Wynonna would take the lead, and Waverly could follow. And so she sat very still and pretended as though everything was perfectly normal, trying to focus on her homework instead of Wynonna’s loud chewing. 

She couldn’t be sure, but it felt as if Wynonna’s eyes were burning into the back of her neck, because for some reason she was getting hotter and hotter, until Wynonna finally opened her mouth to speak again, louder this time.

“You know I don’t care that you’re gay or whatever, right?”

Waverly froze in her seat. Wynonna was usually very good at deflecting difficult subjects, something Waverly normally found very annoying. But precisely today, when Wynonna’s incompetence with sore emotional subjects was everything Waverly hoped for, Wynonna chose to practice those abilities. Today she wanted to talk. 

Wynonna cleared her throat. “I just want you to be careful,” she said. “And I want you to be happy.”

The words sounded strange coming from her mouth. It must have taken her a great deal of courage to pronounce them so clearly and without fear.

Waverly bent her head down towards her chest. “I know…”

Wynonna padded to the kitchen table and very noisily pulled out a chair. She sat down and wiped her chips-dusted hand on her t-shirt. “She painted the nursery, you know.”

Waverly looked up, not quite understanding. 

“And now she’s moving right down the street,” Wynonna continued. “I think she loves you.”

Waverly swallowed. 

Wynonna waited for her to say something, but when she didn’t, she spoke again. “I know I’ve been kinda slow on the uptake, baby girl, and I’m sorry about that.”

She grabbed Waverly’s hand - an unusual gesture from her sister. Waverly looked at the hand. A few of Wynonna’s fingers had remnants of chipped, black nail polish. It was safer to look at her nails than directly into Wynonna’s sorrowed pale-blue eyes. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Wynonna finally asked. There was so much sadness in her hushed voice, as if she regretted every moment of her life that prevented Waverly from confiding in her. 

“I -” Waverly voice was raw. She had to clear her throat to get a proper sound out. “I don’t know.”

She truly didn’t. Her brain started compiling a list of reasons for not telling her sister when she so easily had told her closest friends. The list wasn’t very long. The only thing she really came up with as a valid reason was that she had been afraid, but for what . She knew one thing for sure, though: Waverly had never thought her sister would stop loving her if she liked girls.

“I think I was scared of what you would say,” she started slowly, still exploring the reasoning within herself. In her mind she could see the shadowed path towards understanding getting a fraction lighter with every cautious word she said. 

She swallowed. “Not because I thought… You know…” 

“Boobs,” Wynonna offered helpfully.

Waverly paused for a second before she continued. “But… I think, because you’ve just come back, and, well… This pregnancy thing was kind of our project?”

She looked up, not really sure of what she was getting at herself. 

The truth was, her relationship with Nicole had become incredibly intimate, so fast. They were much closer than what Waverly’s relationship to her sister had ever been, and she felt guilty, because she wanted that bond too. She wanted her sister, and she wanted her girlfriend, and she was afraid that one would exclude the other. 

Waverly took a deep breath. “I thought you were gonna be mad that she kind of took your place in my baby’s life.”

“Wave…” Wynonna said it so tenderly that it almost broke Waverly’s heart. “It’s not my kid, Waverly. I was never gonna be anything else than auntie Nonna.”

“Nonna?”

“That’s what you called me when you were little, remember?”

Waverly smiled at the phrase. She didn’t remember exactly, but it didn’t matter. ‘Auntie Nonna’ sounded strangely right. 

“Don’t get me wrong,” Wynonna said in an attempt to save face from the new, squishy side of her she’d just revealed. “I’m gonna do my best to mess this kid up properly . I’m gonna buy him a drumset for Christmas and fuck up you’re entire life, baby girl. And when he’s fourteen, you know he’s gonna come to me to buy him his first beer.” 

Wynonna grinned, and so did Waverly. The prospect of Wynonna being the naughty aunt was somehow a very welcoming prospect. 

“I’m gonna be the one he can call if he’s ever in trouble,” Wynonna said, more seriously this time. “When he’s afraid to call his mom because he’s done something stupid.”

Waverly nodded. This was exactly the caregiver Wynonna was gonna be for her son. 

Wynonna squeezed her fingers. “But I’m not the parent. I’m not fit to be a -” She shrugged, searching for words. “- a mom or whatever. You’re the mommy, and Haught could be too, if you want.”

Waverly frowned. She hadn’t expected this addition to Wynonna’s little speech. 

Wynonna gave her a pointed look, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“She painted the frickin’ nursery and she didn’t complain once. And she blew off her interview to come straight to the hospital because that’s where you were. She is the kind of person who is a parent. Not me. Her.”

She looked at Waverly long and hard. It nearly felt like she was forcing her words to settle into Waverly’s brain, almost desperately. Wynonna didn’t want this life, Waverly realized. This life overwhelmed her. Wynonna wanted to be on the sideline - part of it, but not at the center. She wanted to run, like she always did, and Nicole was her way out.

Waverly was on her way to get angry when Wynonna spoke again. 

“I love you, baby girl, but I’m only your sister.”

“You’re not o -” Waverly protested, but Wynonna cut her off.

“You should pick Nicole.”

And that shut her off, once and for all. Waverly had never heard Wynonna uttering Nicole’s first name without an added joke. This was Wynonna’s blessing, and that was suddenly the only thing Waverly craved. She could finally engulf herself in Nicole’s love. She was allowed now.

Except it also felt like Wynonna was simultaneously telling her “ I will go so that Nicole can stay”, and that was simply out of the question. Waverly’s mouth was still open from before, but she closed it now, unsure of what to say. Wynonna patted her hand and stuck it back into the chips bag again, which resulted in a fine spray of potato crumbs and salt all over Waverly's books and notes. There were fatty marks on the thin paper and fatty finger marks on the painted tabletop. 

Waverly looked at the marks for a second, until a furrow spread down her forehead. 

"Are you gonna leave again?" 

Wynonna stopped, with her hand buried deep in the bag. 

Waverly looked at her. Her eyes were big and round and frightened. "'Cause it sounded like… Maybe you're gonna take off again.” 

Her words came slowly at first, but then her voice picked up speed and started rambling uncontrollably. 

“I mean, you've got some money now so you can fix up your bike, and now that I've got Nicole -"

"Wave -" 

"- I won't be alone if you leave -" 

"Baby girl -" 

"- but I need you, too, Wynonna. I can't do this without you. I need both of you."

Waverly said all of this in one lungful of air and was left slightly out of breath. She grabbed the side of the table for support. Her eyes were suddenly glassy and her head was weirdly floaty. 

Wynonna brushed off her hand on her shirt again, making crumbs fly everywhere. 

"I'm not gonna leave," she said softly. “I’m still gonna be here, okay? Every step of the way.”

Waverly looked at her, brow still furrowed. That wasn’t what it sounded like a minute ago.

Wynonna recognized Waverly’s ambiguity and continued, talking slower this time, “I was just saying, I’m okay with Haught being here too. You know,” Wynonna gestured to the two of them, and then included an imaginary third person in the other chair. “Mommy, aunty and mommy’s special friend.”

She winked, and quickly added, “But if she ever hurts you, I’m gonna kick her ass real good, alright?”

Waverly smile spread slowly across her lips, until her entire face was lit up with relief and joy, and suddenly she was laughing. She laughed and laughed, and Wynonna joined in. They revelled in the sudden break of tension between them and let themselves burst with wonderful laughter. It felt amazing. 

When they finally stilled and Waverly had dried her tears with the back of her hand, she admitted, “She talked to the baby one time and I freaked out.”

She didn’t know why she brought this up again. She’d told Chrissy about this already. She’d processed it. But she was still thinking about it sometimes at night. Mostly because she felt guilty.

“Why?” asked Wynonna, flinging another potato chip into her mouth.

Waverly shrugged. “She was saying all these nice things and it sorta felt like she was really part of it, you know?”

“Well, she is, right?”

“Yeah,” Waverly smiled. “She is.”

Wynonna nodded for a second, granting Waverly a little smile of approval. And then she suddenly pushed her chair back and got up. She bent down and grabbed Waverly's face with both of her hands, planting a salty, wet kiss on her forehead. 

"I'm not gonna leave," she said again, still cradling Waverly’s face. "Except right now 'cause you gotta do your homework, and I got this chips." 

She pressed her fingers slightly against Waverly's scalp for reassurance, and then she gave a wink and headed out of the kitchen. 

“I’m making quinoa for dinner,” Waverly hollered after her. One bag of potato chips wasn’t a proper meal. 

“Fuck off,” was the only answer.

---

Later that night, after the three of them had eaten the pizza Wynonna had ordered, Waverly and Nicole lay huddled close together in her bed. They were facing each other, kissing and smiling and touching naked slivers of skin, and Waverly was filled with such love and joy. There was a sense of lightness to her that she had never experienced before. 

In a moment of stillness, she took Nicole’s hand and placed it on her naked stomach. She bent her head and whispered towards their hands, “Hello, baby. This is Nicole.” 

She pressed Nicole’s hand against the firm mass inside her belly as if to introduce her to it. 

Waverly continued with a soft voice. “She’s gonna be here when you come out, and in a few years she’s gonna teach you how to play ball. She’s a really good hugger too.”

She squeezed their fingers again, and then she looked up at Nicole’s face. It was covered in happy tears and melting at Waverly’s words. Waverly hadn’t planned to do this, but it felt right. 

Nicole’s bottom lip was quivering slightly, so Waverly reached forward to kiss it. They rested their foreheads against each other, their breaths mingling together. Their hands were still placed firmly against Waverly’s stomach, where they belonged. 

Waverly whispered the last words. “Nicole means a lot to your mommy, okay? And I think you’re gonna love her very much. Just like I do.”