I want to help

inconsequential by Triton Marmoon

"The size of a tiny tin coin,

at the finger tips of a child,

fated between his latest whim

and a toss behind the oak desk.

The weight of a white-dove feather,

a breeze lifts from a pigeon nest,

swirling around and down further,

stretch to the stench of the sewers.

My time here a blow of the wind,

unable to turn the turbine

lost among echos of the trees.

My footprint but a carbon bill,

between a transport and a meal,

I am inconsequential and leave."

The next day I imposed on myself: If I was not to have a part in what was going on in this world, I was going to concentrate on my exams and study as hard as I could. Some exams were postponed, because the teachers got sick. Still the time was urging for me to get totally absorbed in the matter in study. I could hardly manage though, and I hatted the world for this nonsense of keeping me doing irrelevant things when the world was changing and this is the moment to help shape it, what good is there in knowing if you are not going to do anything about it? My mind wouldn't rest, and though my fear of those eyes was lost, the idea that he could be downstairs the whole day arguing strategy and solutions, while I was stuck playing ``nothing's wrong'' and children study.

When in the third consecutive night the shape-shifters invaded our kitchen I decided it was enough and enough is enough. So I called my father to talk. - ``I can't do this and you can't make me do it!''

- ``What do you mean?'' - He made his misunderstanding face urging me to carry on to my room so he could continue.

- ``No! I can't! I won't! I will not pretend I don't know what I do or that there is nothing I can do! I will not go to my room study for exams that may not happen, when tomorrow the world as I know may be taken from me and I can help.. I know I can!'' - My voice lowered. I knew I could. I knew I had to, but what could I do? To be honest I wasn't thinking of what indeed I could actually provide to the group. But hell, I want to help! I wanted to feel useful and ... ``I am no better than the crowd in the summoning! I don't even know what I can do. I am so egocentric, I have been all these days up in my room, hearing you guys and thinking that I had a right to help. But I never thought of the group and how little help I could give. I might even get in the way. I could make coffees, I guess.'' - A tear rolled down my cheek, but I pretended I didn't notice and so did my father, I fought to control my voice that started failing me, my heart beat and the tears that threatened to spill.

- ``You have grown so much!'' - He stopped, his expression open and lost. - `` I am sure you could help! You have been able to develop greatly, don't think I hadn't notice. I learned a thing or two back in my days. But... I couldn't! I wouldn't have anything to fight for if you weren't here. I can't fight not knowing you are safe, with your mother. Probably in your grandparents'. I couldn't, I can't!''

- ``Sir, might I have a word?'' - These two bleach blue eyes lurking from the slightly opened kitchen door's corner.

- ``Look! I told you kid! It's not cute anymore, stop with the sir nonsense! I left it! I have no rank and am preparing a strike against your dear sirs, so either stop calling me sir... or get out! And by the way, I am not the only one that out-ranks you... by far... here!'' - He was caught clearly in a bad moment, exploding on the poor eyes that searched for his help like that. He regretted the moment he noticed, I could see it in my father's eyes. He looked at me and smiled with a tired sad glow that warmed my heavy and slow way to my room.

Half an hour afterwards a knock on my door broke the hypnotic state I induced myself into, over the several books spread on the floor. My left leg rose straight up in the air against the bed, my other leg lying on the floor over which I turned my body lightly right to be on my elbows looking down sideways at the endless pages. - ``May I?'' - The gentle father I recently discovered entered the room and sat on the bed.

- ``Sure, what?'' - I didn't move, lost to my own world of inattention. A dark cloud hove over me since I had left the kitchen and it was making me foggy and heavy and out of charge.

- ``I was convinced against my better judgement that there is something you could do, actually there is something only you could do.'' - His voice was steady and careful while his eyes scanned my face.

- ``What? Really? Thanks. What is it?'' - My chest warmed and my hands tingled. I rolled over, stood up and sat next to him so I could hang on every word that followed. Studently no more cloud and I could feel the energy charging. My mouth was dry and my hands shook slightly of excitement.

- ``We need you to be in your better girly look and approach someone smoothly!''

- ``What? Dad? I am not about to ... to flirt with some guy! I wouldn't know how.''

- ``Wait a second! That is most certainly not the case! I would never... you're my daughter!''

- ``Okay...'' - I felt my eye brows frown.