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8. Hold Me

Hey guys,

I'm currently sitting at O'Hare and wait for my flight to San Francisco, so I thought I use the time to post a new chapter (as I finally solved the problems with connecting my laptop with the Wifi).

This is the chapter I wrote out of my disappointment about the happenings in "The Song Of Gregory William Yates". I tried to find an explanation why Jay acted the way he did, so I hope you like it. Please tell me what think ;)

Flashbacks are in italic, as always.

I still don't own anything.

8. Hold Me

″Erin, in my office,″ Hank said on a sunny morning in the middle of June. It was an easy going morning, they had closed their case the night before and this morning was all about drinking coffee and joking around. Erin traded a quick view with Jay as she wasn't sure what this was about. They had planned their vacation to Wisconsin for the following week and she hoped that this little upcoming conversation wouldn't be about Hank foiling their plans. She got up from her chair, followed him in his office and closed the door.

″What's up?″ she asked, automatically crossing her arms in defense in front of her chest.

″Olivia just called. She needs our help with a case in New York,″ Hank explained.

Erin sighed. As much as she loved working with Olivia Benson and her team, every time she's been in New York yet, the cases have been personal for her. First her brother, then Nadia and then Yates again. She still shivered by just thinking back to it. So she clearly wasn't exactly eager to go back to New York.

″Uhm, okay, so?″ she asked although she already knew what Hank was going to tell her.

″I want you to go there.″

″Can't someone else go there? Jay and I go on our vacation next week.″

″Yeah next week right? Not this week.″

″Right, but there is plenty to do before and Ruzek for example has never been to New York yet,″ she said, making her point clear that she didn't want to go to New York.

″Ruzek will go there once he is a detective one day. Olivia asked for you and we both think it'll be good for you,″ he said without mentioning what he meant. Erin knew anyway.

″See, I don't think it will. Send Alvin or Antonio.″

″I need them both here.″

″You don't,″ she answered, looking at him like she was challenging him.

″I think it will be good for you to go to New York and work a case there you're not personally involved with. Wouldn't you agree?″ he asked.

Erin didn't know what to say. Maybe he was right. Most likely he was. But something deep inside of her didn't want to go there nonetheless. She shrugged her shoulders and bit her lower lip with her teeth.

″Don't know,″ she then quietly admitted. ″What's the case anyway?″

″You remember Dan Miller?″

″That prick who did slave trade with Mexican girls but we always had to let go because we couldn't proove it properly and then got away somewhere to South America?″

″Mhm,″ Hank nodded in response. ″It looks like he's back in business in New York. But this time he won't get away with it. So you're in?″

″Do I have a choice?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows.

″I can't force you to go there kid. But I still think you should,″ he said and Erin didn't miss how he scanned her.

″Alright,″ she finally sighed.

″Good,″ Hank nodded. ″Take Halstead, pack your bags and take the next possible flight to New York.″

″Wait...Jay's coming with me?″ she asked and felt how she got more relaxed just from the thought that Jay would be with her.

″Yaah. As I have to check something with some of my CI's before I thought you two go there as soon as possible and I join you tomorrow.″

″You could've mentioned that earlier.″

″Yeah, I could have,″ he smirked. ″And now go, so I can call Olivia that you guys are on your way.″

She slightly shook her head but also gave him a little smile before she left his office and went straight to Jay's desk.

″What's up?″ he asked as she sat down on the edge of his desk.

″We're going to New York,″ she casually said, looking in his eyes and waiting for his reaction.

″What?″ he frowned.

″We're going to New York,″ she said again but still didn't look really happy about it.

″Yeah I understood that part. But why?″ he asked.

″I'll tell you in the car. Come on,″ she requested, grabbed his hand and pulled him up from his chair.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

After packing a few things in their bags they sat next to each other in an Airbus A319 at the O'Hare International airport three hours later, waiting for take-off. Although Jay was with her, Erin still felt a bit tender. Going back to the city where so many horrible things had happened was anything but easy for her. And Jay knew. Her behaviour these past hours showed him how insecure she was. She has barely said a word since they have left the bullpen and everytime he asked her something or tried to start a conversation, she just shrugged or said nothing at all.

″How do you feel?″ he asked her as she scrolled more or less interested through one of the airline's magazines.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged and tried her best to look like she was actually reading one of the articles.

″Erin,″ Jay sighed and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She closed the magazine and placed it on the small table in front of her. She laid her head on his shoulder and felt how he tightened his embrace.

″So many bad things happened in New York,″ she whispered. ″I mean, in Chicago as well, but New York is different...″

″I know,″ he said and placed a kiss on her hair. ″This time will be different.″

″Who knows,″ she shrugged.

″It will, believe me,″ Jay assured. ″Hey, look at me,″ he softly said. She turned her head and looked up to him. Her eyes were filled with pain and fear and it almost broke Jay's heart seeing her like this again. ″I'm here, okay? Whenever you need me, I'm there for you, you got that?″ he asked and kissed her forehead.

″Yaah. Can you please just hold me Jay?″ she whispered and snuggled deeper in his embrace, as far as this was possible in their tight, uncomfortable seats.

Erin didn't say anything during the duration of their flight. She thought back to the last time she saw Olivia Benson and shivered. These memories where still so close. But Jay holding and being there for her right now gave her security. Things had changed since February. Back then, Jay was not sure whether she would let him comfort her but now she was able to show and tell him when she needed him.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

There she stood. At the O'Hare International Airport at around 10pm at night. And she felt alone. So damn alone. She just had brought Olivia Benson to the airport and had said goodbye to the woman she'd always admired and now called a friend. She looked up to the big departures board. Los Angeles, Vancouver, Rio De Janeiro, Tokyo. Any place would be better than Chicago right now. Running away from the pain and all the memories seemed to be the best option. A new city, a new country, a fresh start, a new life. Forgetting everything. As much as she liked the idea of just leaving all of this behind her in the first moment, she quickly realized that she would never be able to forget anything, no matter where she was. She turned around and looked to the various bars and restaurants on the other side of the hall. That would help to forget. She knew. She had experience with it. Going into one of these bars, drinking some cocktails and some shots, letting the alcohol burn down her throat. That would help. She would feel better afterwards. Her mind would stop thinking.

She walked towards one of the bars, named ″Take Away″. She saw all of the bottles filled with pure alcohol on the shelf and her body and her mind craved for them. Pouring down her emotions and feelings with this transparent liquid was what she wanted most right now. She hesitated before she reached the door. She knew what was going to happen if she would pass the threshold now. She teetered from one foot to the other but as much as she wanted to go in there, something held her back. If she would go in now, she would disappoint all the important persons in her life again. Hank. Olivia, who had just told her to stay strong. Her team. And Jay. Just thinking about the man she loved gave her goosebumps. His behaviour has been strange today. Distant. But she couldn't blame him. He had reached out to her so many times in the past but she had never let him comfort her. She had always shrugged him off, had told him she was fine. So it was understandable that he came to a point where he didn't try it anymore. Erin sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. She gazed to the dozen bottles of vodka, rum, tequila and other stuff again and then slightly shook her head. This wasn't right. All the people in her life who never gave up on her didn't deserve this. Jay didn't deserve to deal with an addicted partner yet again. She turned around and walked away. Away from the bar and away from the alcohol that would take her away to another place.

Half an hour later, Erin parked her car in the parking lot in front of her apartment building. She looked out of the window and up to the floor where her apartment was. Gregory Yates had been in there. Gregory Yates had been in there. Gregory Yates had been in there. She inhaled some deep breaths of air and tried to calm herself down, remembering herself that this psycho was finally where he belonged. Dead and all packed up in a body bag in the morgue. Shot by her. So there was no reason to be feared any longer. But it didn't help. Not at all. It was more the opposite. She felt like she was hyperventilating and tears streamed down her face. Tears she had held back all day and the previous days as well. But now it was too much. She immediately regretted the decision not going into this damn bar at the airport. She wiped her tears away with her hand and focused on the dancing snowflakes on the front window of her car. When she had the feeling to be at least a little calmer again, she started the engine of her car and pulled out of the parking lot. The next liquor store wasn't far, the next bar either. She needed some comfort. As soon as possible. And there weren't many places where she could get comfort and there weren't many things that could help her to forget once again...

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay sat on his couch and sipped on his beer. Today has been a rough day. The roughest one in months. It was an emotional day for all of them and seeing Erin suffer again had made his heart ache. Whenever he had asked her how she was she had told him she was fine. Just as she always did. Even if she wasn't, she would never admit it. She obviously didn't want him to comfort her. Also, he had told her so many times in the past that he was there for her no matter what but it was always on him to make the first step. She never came to him and showed him that she needed him, so he figured she apparently didn't want him be there for her. That's why he earlier did one thing he never thought he would do: he walked away from her although she had admitted that she didn't know whether she was okay or not. This was the most honest answer he had gotten from her in days but somehow it hadn't made him stay. He had left her alone, let her deal with everything on her own. He knew that she wasn't good in showing emotions and feelings but at the same time it hurt him that she still wasn't able to show him what was going on inside of her. He of course wanted to be there for her but he also wanted her to actually let him be there for her. And that was what this mostly was about.

Jay really thought they were past this point since she had told him some weeks ago how much she loved him for always knowing when she needed him most. He thought something had changed and she would be more open now. That was the reason why he was so tired of always getting the same answer again and again when he asked her how she was and despite the fact that he felt like she didn't need him and didn't want him to be around, she didn't listen to the things he said either. Just some short weeks ago he had told her never to go in without back-up again and she had promised she wouldn't and yet she has done it again. Two times. First in New York, then in Chicago. He understood why she had done it but he wasn't sure how much longer he was able to deal with her constantly risking her life and ignoring orders and constantly fearing to lose her. Ironically this was what he felt now anyway. He felt like he had lost her today. Once again. Lost to her grief. To her suffering. To her guilt. Lost her to yet another dark place. Maybe it was even worse and he had lost her to alcohol and pills again. Although she always looked like she was stable and back in a good place again, he knew she was still far away from being recovered. He has never pushed her into anything, has always accepted her boundaries and so he had today but mostly likely it was the wrong thing to do on a day like this.

Jay sighed, ran his fingers through his hair and took a gulp from his beer. What the hell was he doing here? She needed him. She needed someone to keep her from doing stupid things. She needed someone who would hold her tight, who was there for her and who would keep her from falling apart. And he had just walked away. Like he didn't care anymore when he actually still did so much.

″You're such an idiot Jay Halstead,″ he said to himself, placed his beer on the coffee table in front of him and got up. Just walking away from her while she was in a vulnerable space was most likely the most stupid thing he has done in a long time. He knew her and being alone was the last thing she should be right now. He quickly changed his sweat pants to some jeans and grabbed his jacket from the wardrobe. He would find her even if that meant he had to check every damn bar in Chicago.

He stepped out into the cold, snowy night and walked straight to his car as he saw the familar car on the other side of the street and hesitated. Could it be possible? He crossed the street and the closer he came, the clearer became the small silhouette of the woman who sat on the driver's seat.

When he almost reached the door, she opened the window and looked at him with tired, teary eyes.

″What are you up to?″ she asked him and tried to smile. It stayed with a try.

″I just wanted to go to Molly's and hoped to find you there,″ he said and couldn't deny how relieved he was that she has shown up in front of his apartment instead of him finding her completely drunk in a bar. Nonetheless he was also surprised. He hadn't expect her to come to his place after all. ″What are you doing here though?″

She lowered her head, focused on the wheel in front of her and shrugged. An awkward moment of silence occured.

″Erin?″ Jay asked again.

″I...I don't know,″ she mumbled. ″I was looking for comfort, thought about getting some drinks but somehow ended up here.″ This was the truth. She had been in front of a bar and a liquor store but she had stayed in her car and then drove away. She still didn't know how and why she now ended up in front of his apartment building and she also didn't know what she expected from him. Apparently, while her body and mind have craved for alcohol to forget everything, her heart has craved for the one man who was always there for her. And her heart has won this fight over her mind.

″You wanna come in with me?″

″Uhm...I don't know. Maybe I should better go,″ she shrugged and still didn't look at him.

″Erin, come on already,″ Jay said, opened the door of her car, took her hand in his and pulled her up. ″Let's go in,″ he said with a little, encouraging smile as she now stood in front of him. He squeezed her hand a little tighter and walked with her to the house.

Up in his apartment he helped her to take off her parka and yet again it was awkwardly silent.

″You wanna drink something?″ Jay asked to interrupt the silence. Erin just shook her head and looked around in his apartment as if she's never been there before.

″Eat something?″

″No,″ was all she answered this time before the silence surrounded them again.

″Alright,″ Jay said and was about to go to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water when the broken voice of his girlfriend let him freeze.

″Just hold me Jay,″ she whispered. He instantly turned around and saw tears running down her cheeks. With two big steps he was close to her side and wrapped his arms around her tiny, shaky body. She buried her face in his chest and started to sob. Her sobs turned into cries and Jay tightened his embrace. He placed soft kisses on her hair and held her even stronger with every minute passing. He didn't say a word, just let her cry the pain away, waited for her to calm down and kept her in his embrace, showing her that he would hold her as long as she needed him to hold her.

″How do you feel now?″ he asked her when the sobs faded.

″Can you just hold me for a little while longer?″ she mumbled onto his shoulder and then looked up to him. Her tear-stained eyes were still filled with unbearable pain and a huge amount of insecurity.

″Of course,″ he promised and softly kissed her forehead. ″Come on.″ He guided her to his bed, laid down and leaned back against the pillows. She snuggled close to him, rested her head on his shoulder and her hand on his chest while he again wrapped his arm around her. Jay recognized that she was still shivering so he pulled up the blanket and covered it over her body and part of his feet. Erin closed her eyes, cuddled up to his warm, strong body even closer, inhaled the well-known scent of his shower gel and felt his heart steadily beating under her hand. For the first time in days she felt safe. And secure. For the first time in days she started to feel slightly better. Coming to his apartment was the best decision she has made in a long time. She realized that it was never alcohol or pills that she needed most. It was him. It has always been him. She needed his comfort and she needed him holding her and giving her the feeling that everything was going to be alright. That she wasn't alone in this world and that he was there for her. Always. Even after a day like today where she had crossed the line more than once and had ignored him and fended him off on every possible occasion.

″Thank you,″ she somewhen whispered. Jay looked down at her. She still had her eyes closed. During the last minutes he had felt how her body more and more has lost its tautness and has instead started to relax.

″What for?″ he asked. She opened her eyes but kept her gaze focused on her hand which still rested on his chest.

″This,″ she simply answered. Jay placed another kiss on her hair in response.

″Why certainly.″

″No Jay, I don' t take this for granted. I know I'm not good with showing my feelings and emotions...″ she quietly said and searched for more words to express what was going on in her mind. ″Most likely I never will. And I'm sorry for that...″ she sighed and swallowed down the lump that built up in her throat. ″I just want you to know that I need you. More than I will ever be able to admit to myself I think. I don't know what would've happened tonight, what I would've done tonight, if I didn't have you. You saved me.″

″You came to my place, remember? So I'd say you saved yourself.″

″No, you saved me. Because I knew I could come here and you would be there for me unhesitatingly although I hurt you today and did some things you didn't like.″

″I know I might sound like a broken record here, but Erin, I'm always there for you and I will always be,″ he said emphatic.

″Trust me, I know that...and as I said, that's why I came...it's just...,″ she spluttered while her thumb softly stroked his muscular chest.

″Hard for you to rely on someone else and let someone comfort you,″ Jay finished her sentence.

″Yeah,″ she whispered. Jay buried his face in her hair and kissed it again.

″Erin I'm sorry for just walking away earlier. I should've been there for you then already,″ he mumbled.

″Don't do this Jay. This is not on you.″

″It is. I feel like I let you down when you needed me most and I want you to know that this won't happen again.″

″Jay, I think we both needed our time to find each other this evening. But in the end we have and that's all that matters,″ she said and looked up to him for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. He leaned down a bit and their lips crashed in a soft, almost shy kiss.

Silence surrounded them again and for a little while longer they just laid there and enjoyed having each other. Although it was long after midnight already, none of them was able to sleep. Too much had happened and too much was still going on in their minds.

″You know, Liv earlier also told me I shall rely on all the amazing people in my life. She told me it would help. She told me this is the best way to recover from a day like this. And she was right. Damn right,″ Erin somewhen said and it sounded like she more said the last words to herself.

″She's a great person. And I think she's good for you.″

″She's amazing Jay. She went through so much in her life already and she's still so strong.″

″And so are you. You two have that in common.″

″I'm not. I mean look at me. Laying here and bawling my eyes out like a little child because I can't handle it myself,″ she said with a sarcastic laughter.

″Erin,″ Jay sighed. He hated it that she always did these things to herself like talking herself down. ″You are the strongest person I know. Because life knocked you down so many times and every time you were able to rise again. To fight again. To live again. Every time you came out stronger than you've been before. Being strong doesn't mean you're not allowed to cry Erin.″ He could hear how she inhaled deeply and a quiet sob escaped from her mouth again. ″For some idiots, showing emotions might be a sign of weakness but it's much more another kind of strength.″

″So you basically just called me an idiot, right? Now that's charming,″ she said, throwing a little laughter into the mix of sobs.

″Guess I did. But the good thing is, you can work on that,″ he grinned.

″I can work on that,″ she repeated and took another deep breath of air.

″And let me add one last thing: being strong also doesn't mean you have to handle everything on your own. Because the strongest people are those who are able to ask others for help or comfort as they know it's easier in pairs than alone. And so they can grow stronger together.″ He laid his hand on top of hers and squeezed it softly.

″They can,″ Erin quietly said and Jay knew she was intensely thinking about his words. Crying had helped her. And although she still didn't feel comfortable with being the vulnerable girl she knew for sure that he was right and their relationship has grown stronger this evening.

Jay's loud yawning broke the silence some minutes later. ″We should sleep,″ he suggested as he checked the clock.

″I don't think I can sleep tonight.″

″How about giving it a try? You're tired and so am I. And don't scare the nightmares, because you know...I am around,″ he said with yet another encouraging little smile.

In this moment, Erin was sure he was able to read her mind. But at the same time, the fact that he knew she was afraid of having nightmares where Yates would haunt her, without her saying something about it, made her heart warm and let her feel even more secure.

″Alright,″ she sighed. ″But I'd like to take a quick shower first. I feel kinda...dirty.″

″Yeah sure,″ he said, kissed her forehead and released her from his embrace.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay still laid on the bed in the exact same position, patiently waiting for her, when she came back to the bedroom twenty minutes later, a towel loosely wrapped around her body. He got up, walked over to his closet and wanted to give her one of her pajamas she always had at his place.

″Here you go,″ he said.

″Uhm...would you mind if I take your shirt?″ she asked and looked down to her bare feet.

″I don't,″ he answered, put her pajama back in the closet and grabbed instead one of his shirts.

″Better?″ he asked as he handed her the shirt.

″I meant the shirt you're wearing...″ she whispered and looked up to him with insecure eyes. Jay didn't even hesitate for one second, stripped his shirt and gave it to her. She let the towel fall down to the floor and put on his shirt. The fabric was still warm from his body and it didn't smell of laundry detergent but him and these where the two reasons why she has wanted it.

″Better now?″ he asked her again while scanning her with a little grin on his face. The shirt was long enough to cover her hips and hung loosely around her shoulders, breasts and her tiny waist.

″Perfect,″ she said, came two steps closer and wrapped her arms around his bare waist.

″I don't have to wear one of your pajamas in return now, do I?″ he asked into her hair as he also wrapped his arms around her.

″Well, that would be a nice picture,″ she chuckled and for the first time in days her smile was real.

″Yeah, I'm sure it would be,″ Jay laughed. ″Come on,″ he then said and pulled her to the bed. They both slipped under the covers and Jay wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. They fell asleep immediately but just as expected, Erin had nightmares all night. Every time she got unsettled, Jay woke her up, told her that everything was okay and that he was there. This plus Jay holding her tightly all night helped her to overcome her nightmares somewhen and as the sun already started to rise outside, they both fell into a deep, steady sleep...

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts, we're ready for landing,″ the voice of one of the air hostesses chattered through the loudspeaker. Erin startled from her memories and looked out of the window and saw the well-known skyline of Manhatten occuring in the distance.

″Here we are,″ Jay said and placed a kiss on her temple. ″Did you have a good sleep?″

″I didn't really sleep. I was just...thinking,″ she answered, still looking out of the window, focusing on the ground that came closer and the houses that became bigger. ″You are right. This time will be different,″ she added, turned her head around and crashed his lips with a soft, thankful kiss.

When they walked out of the La Guardia airport towards the taxi stand half an hour later, the sun was shining and the sky was blue. During the drive first to their hotel and then to the precinct Erin realized this was the first time that they were in New York in summer. She used to know New York in winter. Foggy. Rainy. Gray. Dismal. Cold. Blooming, colourful flowers, trees with bright green leafs and the sun reflecting on the glassy fronts of the skyscrapers made her feel like she was in a complete different city than the times before.

After getting out of the taxi at the precinct later, Jay immediately grabbed Erin's hand and interlocked his fingers with hers. Erin smiled and her eyes slightly sparkled when she looked into his. Jay smiled back in response, twinkled and squeezed her hand a little tighter. As they now walked up the stairs to the SVU department, Erin knew for sure that this time would be different. Because it already was...

Reviews are appreciated, as always! :)