15. Chapter 15

AN: Hey, Auto again. I thought this was going to end up being the finale chapter, but it ended up being longer than I expected (to say nothing of the tonal shift), so I decided to break it up in two parts. I hope I won't have to make you all wait a week for it to come out, but we'll see. And now responses:

I Hate This Fic: What can I say except you're welcome?

Mr Perv: She's more modeled after Shamiko from The Demon Girl Next Door, which is a recent anime that I'd highly recommend people check out. Girl Jordan is also modeled after a character from that show—the character of Momo, though she's a bit more lively.

Anyone who dropped a review about Ronnie Anne: If you thought you were angry before, just wait and see how it gets better...and by better I mean worse :)

At the end of their first day, Lincoln and his peers were all gathered back in Ms. Johnson's homeroom to pick up their things and listen to the end-of-the-day announcements.

His body was still sore from being pummeled by dodge balls, and he winced as he slowly lowered himself into his seat. His butt was sore, so he didn't press too hardly on it. His arms were sore, so he let them dangle flaccidly at his side. And his face was sore, which he was reminded of when he went to rest his cheek on the wall and had to pull it away, hissing.

The worst part wasn't the pain, though. From the back of the classroom, he could feel a concentrated mass of dark and hostile aura. He didn't even need to turn around to know that Ronnie Anne was glaring at him nastily. Her anger was now starting to make him angry; what was her deal? He didn't ask to be stuck with this Archetype, and even if she did have the right to be upset about that, she'd done far more to hurt him recently than he'd done to her. Dodge balls in the gym, sandwiches down the pants in the cafeteria, a chemical "accident" in the science room...when was she going to let up?!

He groaned in frustration. Well, it wasn't all that bad. At least he made a new friend in Stella. Well...to the extent that he could be friends with her. She seemed to occupy her own mental wavelength. Case in point, she wasn't sitting in her seat, but hiding in the vents above Girl Jordan's head.

Was she planning to ambush her? Was she just spying? Lincoln had no idea.

"Stella, get out of the vents and into your seat," barked their teacher. The Dark Lord-to be reluctantly did so, emerging from her hiding spot and sliding into her chair, careful to avoiding sitting on her tail. Once Agnes Johnson had made sure everyone was accounted for, she picked up a thin yellow paper and cleared her throat.

"Congrats on finishing your first day here," she started. "I hope you're ready to do this five times a week for the next thirty-something weeks, because I'm sure not. But anyways, first day, not a lot to announce. Just one thing about clubs."

"Clubs?" asked someone in the back.

"Yes, Paige, clubs. There are many clubs set up for all kinds of interests. Hobbies, languages, sports, academics, computer stuff, you get the idea. The various clubs will be holding a fair over the next few days down in the courtyard for new recruits, so if you find something that interests you, feel free to sign up."

Chandler raised his hand. "And what if we don't find a club we like?"

"Well you have two options then: you can either do what normal kids do and go home after school, or you can start your own club."

"Start your own club? You can do that?!"

"You didn't raise your hand, Chandler, so I won't answer. Do that again and I'll write your name on the board again." Ms. Johnson smirked at how uneasy Chandler suddenly looked. She saw another hand raise in the back, so she pointed to it and said, "Yes, Ronnie Anne?"

Ronnie Anne? Lincoln spun around, with more than a slight sense of worry. He had never known Ronnie Anne to be interested in clubs—"If I wanted to play football or video games, I'd do it at home without a chaperon breathing down my neck," she had once said to him—and he had the creeping suspicion that whatever club she had in mind, he wasn't going to like it.

"So how do we start our own club?" she asked.

"If you want to start a club, you need to ask me for a form. The basic criteria is that you have at least two other members, and the club has a specific goal instead of just being a chance for you and your friends to mess around on school grounds."

"That's it?"

The teacher nodded. "That's it. I'll take your form, hand it over to the principal, and he'll decide whether to allow it or not. But trust me, he rarely says no to a club. We had a club for blue movies a few years back, that's how little he cared."

"I...didn't need to hear that."

"And I didn't need to see that," responded Ms. Johnson sourly.

Still, Ronnie Anne was pleased with the news. As soon as the teacher turned to answer another question, she tapped Sid on the shoulder and excitedly said, "Hey Sid, want to start a club together?"

"Heck yeah I do!" responded Sid enthusiastically. "What should our club be about? Oh, I got one...the Future Zookeepers of America club."

"Wait, you still want to be a zookeeper? I thought you were going to...you know, become an Assassin. That's the whole point of an Archetype, right?"

"Oh, right...well, most Assassins have day jobs. Sid Chang: zookeeper by day, deadly killer by night."

Ronnie Anne chuckled, but still shook her head. "Nah, sorry, I doubt the school will let us bring animals. The only animals they allow on-campus here are Werewolves."

"Dang it." She snapped her fingers in frustration.

"Don't worry, Sid, I got the perfect idea for a club."

"Really? What is it?"

Ronnie Anne's eyes shifted back to Lincoln Loud. A sinister grin grew on her face.

"A club for...community service," she said slowly.

Two days later, the Club Fair was still going hard. A large crowd of first and second-year students filled the courtyard from end to end, and the booths set up for each club happily, almost greedily, grabbed as much attention as they could.

There were many different types of clubs. There were the hobbyist clubs for chess and photography, sports clubs for basketball and swimming, there were the clubs that performed functions for the school like the journalism club or student council, and there were even Archetype specific clubs, like the Conjuration club for magician and summoner types, or the Gigant club for giant girls and their degenerate admirers.

Now that he had the time, Lincoln could finally walk among the different clubs advertising themselves. He had never been the kind of person who would take an interest in clubs—like Ronnie Anne, he always saw school as something to get away from as soon as possible—but watching some of the demonstrations had him shifting his thinking. He saw someone charming a snake, another person hacking an arcade machine to spit up coins, and someone else throwing playing cards at wooden boards so precisely they split in half.

This stuff was way cooler than just going home to play video games!

"Hey Lincoln." Lincoln turned around and saw his older sister Luan walking up to him. Normally, she would been dressed in the long, woolen outfit of a nun, with a large silver cross hanging from her necklace—as befitting someone of the Excorcist Archetype like herself—but today she was dressed, oddly enough, like a clown. Baggy green pants with a white shirt with ridiculously over-sized buttons, her face was painted white with a big red rubber nose and a wig of obviously fake hair laid on her scalp.

"Hey Luan," he greeted. "That's a...strange get-up."

Luan smiled and honked her fake nose. "But funny, right? I'm going to be trying out for the comedy club. Brought my best jokes to the table too. Hey, did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?"

Lincoln rolled his eyes, but decided to play along. "No, Luan, I haven't."

"Well, the food is great, but there's just no atmosphere."

Luan doubled down in laughing at her own joke. She wiped a tear from her eye and looked to her brother. "Did you get it?"

"Yeah, I got it. But what I don't get is why you'd want to join the comedy club."

"Huh? Because I like telling jokes, Linc."

"Oh no, I get that. I just thought that...well, you know, you'd go be with other exorcists in the Exorcism Club."

Here, Lincoln watched as Luan's unfailing smile, for a moment, faltered. She quickly picked it back up, but it was too late, and now Lincoln was wondering what was going on with his older sister.

"Y-You can be in two clubs," said Luan uneasily. "Just look at Lynn. She's mostly in martial arts, but she's doing every other sport possible. Well, except for chess. And e-sports."

Lincoln's eyes widened. "There's an e-sports club?"

"Yes. Well, actually, no. There used to be, but it was disbanded."

"What?" Lincoln was visibly disappointed. "Why?"

Luan pointed to the computer club booth. "Because those guys thought it would be funny if, on the day of a big match between our academy and an academy in Vermont, they uploaded some special mods on the game, and...well, let's just say the results were bare naked in front of everyone." She nudged her brother with her elbow. "Get it? Bare naked? Because it was nudie mods?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," sighed Lincoln. The boy slumped over slightly, immensely disappointed with the news. He could've done e-sports. He would've been amazing at it.

"Oh, cheer up, Lincoln, there are still a lot of other good clubs to choose from," stated Luan. "How about the comics club? You like comics."

"I do like comics," said Lincoln thoughtfully. "But you know how I like to read them."

Luan's cheeks flushed red. "Y-Yeah, I do...yeah..."

"Maybe a tabletop club? Like Dungeons & Dragons or World of Darkness."

"Sure, let's go check them out."

The two crossed two row of booths until they reached the RPG club. The members of the club were currently engaged in a game. In front of them, a small table with little painted figurines of knights, wizards, and a hydra.

"Okay, if you want your attack to be critical, you need to roll at least a 15, Paige," said the one who looked like the DM. He dropped a pair of dice in her hands and watched as she shook them, blew on her hand for luck, and let them go on the board. He peered down and nodded. "18," he declared.

Paige pumped her fist and grinned. "Yes!" she said as the DM removed the hydra piece from the board. She looked up from the game, ecstatic, and caught sight of Lincoln and Luan.

"Hey, I know you," she said, pointing at Lincoln. "You're that kid that Ronnie Anne pummeled with dodge balls the other day."

Lincoln sighed. "Yeah, that's me." At least it was better than being known as the Pervert King…

"Sorry, but...that was pretty funny," she said, hiding her grin behind her hand. She lowered it and tried to put on her professional face. "So, are you thinking of joining our club? You and your...clown friend?" She eyed Luan strangely.

"Oh, no, I'm not joining. I'm not nearly nerdy enough for this."

It's amazing how, sometimes in life, things can be going absolutely perfectly, and it all takes is a few words to make it all turn around.

Paige's sunny disposition instantly became cooler, like a chilly wind had spent over her. "Oh?"

"Did I offend you?" asked Luan. "I'm sorry. Here, I know what'll put a smile back on your face: a joke!"

Lincoln's eyes widened; he recognized the danger. Before he could tell Luan that maybe she should forget the joke, she had already cleared her throat and said, "Social acceptance."

The members of the RPG club all passed looks between each other. They all looked confused.

"Umm...what? I don't get it."

"I know. And you never will!"

Luan's laughter ripped through the air like a torrent. She threw her head back and slapped her face, laughing wildly like a hyena. By her side, Lincoln looked mortified. In front of her, the RPG club looked murderous.

"S-Sorry to bother you guys," said Lincoln meekly. He started pushing Luan away. "Have fun with the rest of your game."

"Go to hell," spat Paige. "Damn Pervert King."

"Sorry that didn't work out, Linc."

"Didn't work out? That's a funny way of saying you messed that up for me."

"Well, it's not my fault they didn't have a sense of humor." Luan rolled her eyes. "Honestly, if they couldn't handle some weak jokes like that, then how fun could they really be?"

Lincoln groaned but decided to drop it. As much as he really wanted to join the RPG club, there were other fish in the sea...or, in this case, other booths in the courtyard. He'd just have to find something that caught his eye.

Alright, let's see...cooking club, Spanish club, literature club, gardening club, Destroy Girl Jordan club, theater club...wait, what was that last one?

Lincoln stopped in place and turned around. His eyes did not deceive them; there was an actual Destroy Girl Jordan club!

"H-How is this…?"

"Oh, Lincoln, over here." Stella's horned head poked out of the booth and she waved him over. Lincoln and Luan approached and saw Stella squatting in front of a printer that was spitting out pamphlet after pamphlet. Lincoln scooped one up and opened it.

"You and Destroying Girl Jordan: A Guide," he read aloud.

"Pretty clever, right?" Stella smugly smiled. "I spent three years writing this pamphlet, and now I've stolen a printer so I can spread my message."

"Three years? You didn't even know Girl Jordan existed three days ago!"

She shrugged. "Artistic license."

Before Lincoln could retort to that, he saw none other than Girl Jordan herself walk up to Stella with ink cartridges in her hands. "Hey Stella, got you some more of these," she told her.

"Thank you, beloved Vice President and hated adversary. With these, I shall surely print enough pamphlets to brainwash enough people to want to destroy you!"

"Vice President?" Lincoln looked at her in confusion. "Does that mean you're—"

Girl Jordan nodded. "I am indeed the Vice President of the Destroy Girl Jordan club."

"But why?"

"Because Stella begged me to join."

"I did not! Don't listen to her, Lincoln, she's as much a fibber as she is a liar."

"She was on her hands and knees in front of my locker, begging, clawing at my skirt, practically crying. 'Please Girl Jordan, join my club, I don't have any friends and you're the only person I really know, plehehehease!'"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, that's not how it went!"

Girl Jordan just shrugged. She looked back to Lincoln and Luan. "The hardest part was convincing the principal to let us start a club that was basically a call to violence. But once I reassured him, I was really the Girl Jordan in question, and that I was fine with it, he gave us the stamp right away."

"The principal is a good man. He sees the nobility in my cause. For that, I shall reward him with a principality once I conquer the world. Probably in New Zealand."

"Still," said Lincoln to Girl Jordan, "I don't see why you'd allow her to print pamphlets about how people should destroy you."

Girl Jordan's smile suddenly grew more shrewd. There was a playful twinkle in her eye. She took the pamphlet from Lincoln's hands, opened it to the first page, and pointed at the middle section. "Read this out loud," she told him.

Lincoln obliged. He looked down to where she was pointing and read parts of it under his breath. His face twisted in surprise.

"'Oh Edwin,' moaned Dark Lord Stella, 'give me your pale lips and taste my tongue!'"

He stopped when he heard a horrified squeak, and looked down to see Stella's face suddenly glowing bright red, like a stoplight. Her eyes widened in terror as she looked up at Lincoln.

"H-How did you get ahold of my VOM f-fanfiction?"

Say what now?

Stella scooped up one of the newly printed pamphlet and tore it open. Her eyes skimmed the page, and her face grew brighter with every word. "What? How did this get here?" she shrieked. She looked up at Girl Jordan. "Girl Jordan, someone must have replaced my manifesto about how good your death will be with my private fictional writings!"

"Oh no, who could've ever done that?"

Stella jumped up and grabbed her second-in-command by the shoulders and shook her profusely. "Girl Jordan, how many of these pamphlets did you distribute?"

Barely able to keep her amusement off her face, Girl Jordan said, "As many as I could, Stella."

The poor Dark Lord squealed in terror. "I...I...I need to get all these pamphlets back!" she cried. She rushed into the crowd, snatching papers from people's hands, and Girl Jordan sat back and watched with a small chuckle.

"I have to say, as an expert of prankology, that was a good prank," said Luan.

"Thanks."

"It was a bit mean, though, right?" said Lincoln, ever the weak-spined moralist.

"Don't worry about it, she'll probably forget it even happened tomorrow," said Girl Jordan. She sighed fondly. "Well, I'm off to go find the third member of our merry club. You two interested in joining?"

Both of them shook their heads.

"What a shame. Oh well, nice talking to you too," she said. She turned and waved and then ran off to find the third member of the Destroy Girl Jordan club.

"I'm still confused about what just happened," said Lincoln.

"Comedy, Lincoln," said Luan, admiration present in her tone. "Comedy just happened."