30

30: Necessary Preparations (October 6, 2003, October 13, 2003 to October 14, 2003)

"You need to consider it sometime," Severus told him gently but firmly. "He's not going to stop until you've given him an answer. Merlin, help you if you give him an answer that he doesn't like."

"You want me to be a Death Eater, don't you?" Harry shouted, his emerald eyes blazing. "You know it'll destroy me, but you don't care! I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't because-" he cut off what he was saying dramatically, realizing that this wasn't Sirius- this was Severus, and Severus had no idea why he'd be so adamantly against joining the Inner Circle. "It's wrong. It's just wrong."

Severus sighed, it was as he thought, Dumbledore had too strong of a hold on Sebastian. It was going to be tough to break, but he had to make Sebastian see that it wasn't that he was siding with the Dark Lord, necessarily. Actually, he thought it was wiser not to take sides. It maintained the balance better that way. If neither side was too strong, and if Sebastian tilted over to either side- the balance would become unbalanced.

"Nothing is completely wrong," Severus declared. "Just like nothing is completely right."

"So murder is never wrong?" Harry snapped, not liking what he was hearing from Severus' mouth, not when his parents' deaths were so prominent in his thoughts. Every night he'd woken up with those terrible nightmares, ever since Voldemort had reappeared in his life- he'd been having these guilty nightmares. He was attracted, drawn to the Dark Lord. He saw why people would follow, but still didn't quite understand how they could. "Child abuse?"

Harry knew he'd hit home with that when he saw Severus flinch. That glimpse into Severus' mind during the Occlumency lessons had proven to be quite insightful. At least, partially he'd got why Severus had such a thick outer shell to be cracked. It never was easy to trust anyone, once abused- once burned- twice shy. It was still a guess, but it was a good guess. He understood it himself.

The Dursleys may not have resorted to brute physical violence, most of the time at least, but the verbal abuse was just as bad. It was just as cutting, just as painful. The brief moment he'd seen into Severus' past had given him the insight that perhaps Severus was the way he was because of the atmosphere in which he lived in. Abused at home, ridiculed in school. His poor Severus hadn't had an easy time, had he?

"Still," Severus began in a harsh, yet the voice wasn't as sure as it usually was, "nothing is a clear black and white. You aren't a child anymore, Sebastian, you know there is more than what there seems to be. You have to realize, no matter how much you may dislike or distrust Voldemort, he is the ruling power here. It was would be utterly foolish to go against him, not when he can crush you before you can even act.

"I care for you," he admitted with great reluctance. "You must know that. Don't sacrifice yourself when I have bought you time. Think about it. Even Dumbledore doesn't want you to blatantly disregard the Dark Lord's offer. It cannot be refused. Not when Voldemort considers it an honor, it would be a blow to his pride. And he doesn't take those kinds of blows lightly.

"It is not like the dark mark is a mark of disgrace. You may think it is, but it is only ingrained in your consciousness because you were raised by the light wizarding culture. It's all cultural," Severus stated firmly. "That's why you think it'll destroy you. It's not more than a tattoo."

"But unlike a tattoo," Harry retorted sharply, "it cannot be removed and it causes pain. Don't think I am not aware of that, Severus. Can you honestly say you're proud of that mark?"

No. He couldn't. He wasn't. It had been the biggest mistake of his life. He'd been shocked when Sirius had taken on the mark; after all, he knew if he hated it- he only could guess at how much Sirius despised it. "You don't have a choice in the matter," Severus said instead of answering Harry's rhetorical question. "Voldemort will be suspicious if you don't fall in step with him. Even Dumbledore has, if only to keep from being crushed absolutely. There's nothing that Voldemort likes more than reluctant obedience forced out."

"He won't get that from me," Harry stated firmly, his emerald eyes filled with unyielding determination. "I won't just fall over myself to do what he wants me to do. What everyone expects me to do."

"You're doing what Dumbledore expects you to do," Severus counted cruelly, knowing it was a low blow to use- but having to use it if it was the only way to convince Sebastian the gravity of the situation. "How is that any different? You may not want to follow Voldemort's lead, but if you don't you're only going to be another needless sacrifice in this damn war!"

"I'd rather be needless," Harry responded coldly, "rather than a fence rider like you are."

That hurt and that cut deeply into Severus to hear Sebastian say that about him. He was sure that Sebastian was only lashing out defensively, but that still didn't make it hurt any less. And as it was, he couldn't hold his sudden anger back from slapping Sebastian. Immediately after he did, he regretted his action. While Sebastian tried to leave, Severus grabbed his wrist tightly. He couldn't let Sebastian walk away after that without some sort of explanation.

But how could he explain? He was afraid for the fiery young man. He was deathly frightened that if Sebastian went through with his plan, that he'd end up locked away by Voldemort as a danger or worse- killed by Avada Kedavra for insolence. Voldemort had killed lesser wizards for much less. But considering Sebastian's powers, he knew the Dark Lord would rather cultivate than destroy.

"Please, Sebastian," Severus begged, hating the sound coming from his lips, "you have to understand, you can't just go against Voldemort. You can't!" Sebastian's deep green eyes were unwilling to compromise, and Severus did the only thing he could to do prevent Sebastian from making a scathing retort back- he kissed him.

It was not a tender, gentle kiss but rough and intense as Severus lost control of his tightly leashed passion. He had kept it hidden for so long, for the better part of a year and it was finally breaking losse and in a volatile way. Forcing Sebastian's lips to part, his tongue plundered into the intoxicating bittersweet flavor. He could drown in Sebastian's deliciousness if given the chance.

What Severus noted especially was that Sebastian didn't even attempt to break loose of the forced embrace, instead he melted. "Do you understand how important you are to me, Sebastian?" Severus asked raggedly. "I have done all that I can, but you know that there is only so much we can hoe to delay the inevitable. There will come a time when he will ask you, and if you do not give him the answer he expects- I fear for you."

Harry knew that. He had been grateful for the additional time, but he also knew his own mind- and he couldn't in good consciousness ever join the Death Eaters. It didn't matter if he wouldn't be looked down here if he did take up the dark mark- he wasn't from this universe as much as he sometimes wanted to be from this dimension.

He'd already talked to Dumbledore when they'd arrived back at Hogwarts. He was going to try to go back home right before graduation. That would be easiest. He would just disappear when everyone least suspected it. Amidst all the busy preparations, they might even be able to forget him. Hopefully the time he'd given his friends and family back home proved enough.

He really didn't want to be faced with having to choose between the dark mark or death.

He swore, she just had to be difficult. Here he was, trying to rush off to his session with Poppy, but Signy was throwing a tantrum. There were time she could be mature beyond the sum of her years, then again there were times when she went further than backwards. It wouldn't be surprising if she didn't act wiser than Dumbledore at times. But she did, and that's why her tendencies toward childishness were shocking.

{I want to go.}

{You can't go,} he hissed back at his petulant basilisk, who was throwing a sizable fit.

{I want to go!} she exclaimed, her body shaking with her adamancy. {I want to go!}

{You know what Poppy sssaid lassst time I brought you with me,} he responded impatiently, jerking his robe on. {Ssshe told me ssspecifically not to bring you. I can't disssobey her, consssidering itsss her ward and not mine!} He didn't really like raising his voice, if one could raise their voice in parseltongue, to Signy. Not unless he really had too, in cases like these. {Sssigny, you know I can't!}

{Why not?} she persisted. {I want to go.}

{You can't alwaysss do what you want.} he told her.

{Neither can you,} she retorted, flicking her tail at him in a dismissive manner. She was clearly not happy with him, not that he was surprised by that, she was usually like that when she didn't get her way. She came around later. The good thing about Signy was that she had a short fuse, and that nothing kept her that mad- at least not at him. With others, especially those that slighted him, her anger went on for days.

What he was astonished about was the insight in that retort, that was basically said to say something and not let him have the last word. It was amazingly astute. However, that was like her. To sprout out words of wisdom at the oddest moments. {Yesss, neither can I,} he agreed. {You concede that you can't alwaysss get what you want?}

Signy closed her eyes, demeaning him unworthy of any more of her attentions. He chuckled, and shook his head. {Would you like me to bring you back sssomething asss a sssnack?} he asked, willing to humor her since she hadn't gotten her way like she normally did with him. For a serpent, she certainly ate a lot and often. {I'll ssstop by the kitchen if you want me to.}

{I want a rabbit. Large and juicy,} she finally spoke up just before he was about to leave. Always like her to be precise in her timing, how did she know? He was in awe of her. If there was one female that fascinated him, it was Signy.

{A rabbit it isss,} he confirmed. Indulgently, he smiled at the now snoozing Signy. One last lingering look and he was out the door, running off to Poppy's ward near the dungeons. He guessed it was because it made it easier on both of them, since that meant Severus didn't have to lug the healing potions a long distance. It also benefited Poppy by keeping a potions laboratory near her incase she needed to brew up any simple potions that she was capable of.

As he was heading swiftly toward the hospital ward, he couldn't help but think about Signy's perceptive words. He couldn't always do what he wanted to do. It was true. Try as he might to become friends with Ron, it simply wasn't working out here. And, he shuddered to even think about it, try as he might not want to be a Death Eater- he might simply have no choice. He couldn't always do want he wanted to do, or in his case, not want to do.

"You're late," Poppy remarked when Sebastian rushed into the room where she was preparing another trial to test his skills. "You know we have precious little time to prepare you for the MEDs, Bast."

"I know, I know," Harry responded, pushing on the magic gloves that Poppy handed to him. She thought it would be in their best interests to get him use to working with the full gear that a mediwizard needed. "So what's the curriculum today?"

Poppy gestured for him to follow her into one of the private rooms, and she pointed to a cat that she was keeping sedated on one of the beds. "I will be performing a minor pain spell on this cat, and you will try to decipher where the pain is coming from using your empathy. After you have located a few of the spots, I will stop and let you treat her using your magical healing ability. Then we will start again. We need to improve your empathy, that is your weakness, Bast."

He nodded and sighed. He knew that was his weakness. No matter how hard he tried, he didn't seem to get any better at it. Poppy told him it would just come, like how he instinctively knew how to reach into a person and heal them from their hurts. But he just couldn't quite relate to a person that didn't open up their mind to them. Animals were a good way in testing for empathy because they didn't always open their minds. However, they were still far easier patients than people that weren't willing to open their minds like trauma patients.

Well, here went nothing. Hopefully this session went better than the last one. Harry signaled to Poppy that he was ready as he'd ever be. She nodded that she'd seen his signal and pointed her wand toward the poor cat. Waving her wand, she whispered forcefully the legal version of the Cruciatus curse, "Excrucio!"

The only reason excrucio wasn't an Unforgivable was because it was a pain spell that needed to be pinpointed to a specific location on the body or else it wouldn't work. Since it didn't encompass the whole being, it wasn't quite disabling as Cruciatus was. While it was mildly less painful, it still was excruciating. It didn't mean to cause great pain for nothing. It did cause pain, just not to the degree of crucio.

Harry winced sympathetically as the spell hit the cat, even if the cat didn't stir. The whole point of this lesson was for him to detect where the pain was coming from using his empathy and no other external signals. While it was true in real life that the patient would probably be able to give him a general location of where the pain was coming from, the injured one still wouldn't know exactly where if it were an internal wound.

Like Poppy taught him how to do, he reached out with his mind to probe the feline's mind. He found little resistance and he moved closer to the cat, resting his hands on the ragged fur. Like most mediwizards, he found that empathy came easier if he was physically touching what he was focusing on. His mental probe became stronger when his hands touched the cat, and he started feeling a twinge of pain coming from- the lower region of the cat's body.

Following the fading trail of pain, he gradually was able to tell it didn't continue downward. Having deducted that, he settled in onto the area that the sharp throbbing sensations were coming from. With steadiness, he finally deduced where it was coming from. It stopped at a midway point. "It's a joint," he said aloud. He blinked and refocused on Poppy, seeing that was nodding that he was on the right track. "The knee joint?"

"Yes," she confirmed. "But you took longer than I expected you to take." She paused, as if thinking, trying to figure out something. "You hesitated when thinking about where it was coming from, do you hesitate when you're trying to sift through the feelings?"

He shook his head dejectedly. He didn't hesitate when following the sharp sensations that invariably led to the source of the pain. He really didn't know why it took him longer than she expected for him. "I don't know why it takes me so long," he remarked miserably. "I follow the trail as best as I can. I guess it just takes me a long time."

She patted his shoulder reassuringly. "You are a good deal faster than a great many mediwizards. It's just with your level of magical ability, I would expect your empathy to be as strong as that. They usually coincide with each other, not always, but usually."

"But nothing's ever normal with me," he retorted with a tinge of bitterness.

"It also takes a while to get the hang of it," she remarked. "It could just be that you're trying too hard. Just let go and see what happens? We must rely on intuition and our gut feeling more than anything. Just go with what you feel. Don't try too hard, okay?"

"All right," he agreed. "Let's try go for another go."

Poppy smiled and waved her wand again. "Excrucio!" she exclaimed. Immediately after she said that, Harry placed his hands down on the cat and didn't think too hard about the process. He felt the difference; he didn't feel quite so much in control but that didn't matter. All he had to do was follow along for the ride, and he used his intuition to make the decisions of which way to move and before he knew it he knew where the pain was coming from.

"The upper region of the tail," he stated aloud as if he were coming out a dream, which he felt like he was. He felt like he was floating, and he probably was- floating in the release of letting go and letting his instinct guide him.

"Very good," Poppy responded, smiling. "Much better than last time. Faster, and not so tentative. Now, why don't you ease the pain away from the poor cat?"

He smiled. This he could do. He grabbed his wand and aimed it at the spots he had located with his empathy. Muttering the healing spell, "Medicor sano medicor sano medicor sano," under his breath repeated until a soft golden glow spot out of his wand and fused itself into the cat's aching knee joint. He repeated the same spell on the cat's tail, and was glad that the cat was now pain free.

"Impressive," Poppy commented. "I have still yet seen a medimagic student be able to perform the healing spell to the efficiency and skill that you have used. It usually takes them longer and takes a lot out of them. But I can see," she critically appraised him, "it doesn't seem to tax you."

He blushed lightly. "It doesn't seem that hard after going through the majority that I went through."

"That's true," she agreed. "You've gone through the youngest majority since the Dark Lord himself. And now that's impressive. Well," she continued distractedly, "I don't have anything more for you today. But I expect you to be on time tomorrow, Sebastian Biggerstaff!"

He grinned. "I'll try, Poppy."

"You'd better do more than try!" she waved her wand threateningly in the air while she watched him run off in the directions of the kitchens. He hadn't forgotten that he had to pick up a large and juicy rabbit for his fastidious Signy. When he was out of sight, Poppy let her face show the worry she held for the bright young man. A great many things were expected of her talented pupil, and she could only hope those expectations didn't crush him. She could only hope.